The end. The Beginning

So yes it has been a very long time since last I blogged. And I believe in my heart this may be the absolute last chapter of mourning for me. Spring is here and my winter is finally over.
I have often said over these past 3 and 1/2 years, that I feel like a teenager at times starting my life over and not sure of my future like so many years ago when I joined the Navy. I will say, I have questioned whether this time of mourning is respectful or long enough but I know my husband, and he is fine with my life as it is now. He loved me enough to want me to be happy and to find another man to make a life with. We spoke about it often sometimes jokingly but mostly serious. It seems no matter how much we plan our lives, they are never really our own. God has a plan and His hands are in everybit of my life.

It seems God had other plans for me nearly a year ago. I went to a class reunion with absolutely no expectations but to have a good time and visit with friends I hadn't seen in thirty or so years. I went with a girlfriend who I work with and another male classmate asked if he could tag along with us. We wholeheartedly agreed since he volunteered to be our designated driver for the two nights of reunion events. He was always such a nice fun guy in high school so sure, the more the merrier. The three of us and our whole class had more fun than we could remember. I really enjoyed dancing and living life again. I believe I danced away a few demons that weekend.

Well this very nice gentleman classmate asked me if perhaps we could make a play date for our grandkids and I thought it was a great idea. So we did that and spent a few months talking and hanging out and yes I call it that because that is what it was until it wasn't. So yes, we are dating and enjoying  talking about the possibility of a future together. Can you believe that? I know I can't either. It just happened, and now I feel excited about the possibility of this relationship. I have to say it took many hours of processing and patience. He is so kind and considerate of my feelings and mourning out the rest of it. And because of this, I feel clean, like the last bit of burial shroud is gone and I can run, dance and fly all at the same time. So this is what real breakthrough feels like or is it love or both? Who cares, I just like having someone in my life again that I can share everything with.

I am so grateful to God for sending me such a generous, Godly man. So cheers, all. Here's to the end of my mourning life, and the beginning of my new life. WOO HOO. God bless you Steve, I am HAPPY again. I will see you again one day soon my first love. You will like this ex marine and we will have lots to talk about.

Its not about me

One period of mourning is over the next one not as bad. I took the day yesterday to put away a few of Millies things and grief overtook me.  I had to stuff so much of it down to be able to go to work and do my job making sure I didn't bleed out onto our patients. It was a difficult week and it was bound to catch up to me and it did.  Millie was my grief counselor and the one I turned to. She listened to me cry and heard me pray and rant and ask stupid questions like Why? Realization is just now settling in yet again. My crutch is now gone and I go it alone.
    Up until this time I thought I was doing it alone within the confines of my family of course but I had Millie to care for. She has been the most healthy dog up until this year and I had to give her extra attention this year. But now, what has hit me this morning, is for the first time in over thirty years I have no one or no thing to take care of. I am responsible for me only!  This is why my emotions were so jumbled and this is what I couldn't put my finger on until this morning.
    So how does this look? No wonder I feel so lost and confused. Will I become selfish now that I have only me to look after?? Oh I hope not. I hope it means the opposite that I will be freer to be more available to others.  It is an odd feeling. It was the strangest thing to be able to buy new clothes for myself just two short years ago, but I can do it now without feeling guilty. So I assume this will get normal for me too someday. I see it as an opportunity for me and I intend to make the best of it.
     I know I am never really alone, and even though it sounds like I feel alone my God sent a friend to reach out on Facebook to keep me from getting too close to despair.  He didn't even know our chat yesterday was just what I needed to snap out of myself and back on the target of getting over it.  Then God sent my sister to distract me with a totally stupid silly movie.  So I am never alone, though I may get lonely, God provides my every need!! I feel so much more on track this morning with new direction and new focus. It's not about me, its about others now. The comfort I took in caring for my family was a perfect ministry for me. It was safe and comfortable and I loved every second of it. As the last string is cut, I look forward truly to my next big or little mission for my life.
So Millie, once again you have helped me by leaving me so I can stand alone unencumbered to be able to do what you did so well, be there for those in need.

Goodbye Millie

    The ceramic tile on the kitchen floor was a hard place for me yesterday, as I sat petting my beloved Millie as she was settling down from her last seizure which had occurred about two hours prior. We just silently kept company as I awaited the hour I knew was to be the time of her death. Her brilliant blue eyes never lost their twinkle for me even while she was disoriented from her seizure. She recognized me and wagged her tail and greeted me with as much love and fervor as she had done at every greeting since we got her. This precious creature God sent to our family after losing our other sweet dog, a Cocker Spaniel named Lady. Millie was our rebound puppy born on St. Patrick's day in the year 2000 which was how she was named Millie. It was short for Millennium.
    She loved us all well but she and I spent the most time together since I had been a stay home mom for so many of our thirteen years together. Actually it has only been this last year and a half that I have been separated from her so much because of my new lifestyle change and having to work. She was blessed to have my parents to be home with her daily so the transition in her elder years was not as traumatic as it could have been. They cared for her and loved her too. She never allowed any one of my children or yard children to go unannounced or un welcomed when they came back for a visit. She barked and ran around the yard and the house yipping and heralding the arrival of a very special guest. She could not contain her joy and it spilled out to us all.
    I had to come home from work yesterday to be with my Millie. As I walked to the backyard where  she paced aimlessly trying to get her bearings again after her seizure, she recognized me.  Her quizzical look after greeting me asking "what is going on with me mom?" is still with me. This is how I know I am through with my mourning process and am out of my "wilderness". I prayed for  God to  please take her while she slept so I wouldn't have to make this decision. Steve made the decision for Lady to be put down. So you understand since Steve's death three years ago in October of this year, I haven't had to make decisions this huge. They were pretty much made for me and the way was prepared for me. I was sheltered by God and his grace and mercy were my provision as He became my ultimate provider while I recovered. This was a tough decision and I felt like I was killing her and even used this harsh terminology with my friends who tried to convince me that I was showing her mercy. I don't know if it was mercy for her because she never seemed in pain or if it was selfish mercy for me after watching her recover from her seizures. I will have to figure that out on another day.
    So Millie I have been told I made the right decision and I will live with that choice. It hurts me so deeply when I close my eyes and still seeing your beautiful blue eyes looking at me as I discuss, right in front of you, the decision I made with the vet. You were by far the sweetest, best friend I had. You were most definitely the best prayer dog ever and I will miss your comfort. You loved the woods and roaming free and I felt very blessed when friends offered their "pet cemetery" as your final place to rest. You would love it because it is close to the bayou and plenty of woods for you to get lost in. Thank you mom and dad, Joe and Barbara and my dear Bernadette for helping me during this sad time. You made it so easy and yes the decision was hard but I recognize Gods hand in the peace filled, loving path set before me afterwards.
    I miss my morning licks to wake me, I miss my evening greetings, but most of all I miss your unconditional love, Millie. I do hope dogs go to heaven because Millie you were the best! 

Walking through the doorway of breakthrough

Mourning is done..I am officially entering a new place more challenging yet exciting than the last three years of my life. I am moving forward again not drifting or floating but with purpose and direction. The direction is forward and upward. My head is clearer, my heart opening up again and the world just seems brighter. My spring is here and it is summer. There is a season for everything under this sun and I may not be in season with nature but I am in season with me.
Last weekend was our wedding anniversary and I found myself on a road trip visiting with my kids. It was made more enjoyable by the friendly drive I had with a long lost male friend from high school. We made excellent traveling companions and I felt completely safe. What surprised me most was that I was lost in my new life and not in my mourning anymore. I acknowledged the date but didn't grieve it.  I am in my breakthrough finally able to say and mean I have re-entered my life again. I can be of help and assistance and think with a clear head again and not worry about bleeding out onto another hurting soul. It is such a great feeling.
I thank God for all those wonderful people He put into my path to help me process my emotions which can I say were extremely out of sync! I thank God for the widow before me, the widow after me, family, friends all strategically placed in my life to bring me back to life. I have lots of living left to do and plan to use my time as wisely as I can. Thank you to you insane people who cried with me and watched me blog through this awful transition. I am about to put the Mantle to bed and bring out the dancing shoes. God you have turned my mourning into dancing. Woo hoo look out world here I come. I crack myself up sometimes but I am laughing again. Love you all and who knows I may continue to blog the scary exciting new world ahead. ;-)

Creeps In

It has been a year since this time last
And do you realize how much I still miss you
My head is elsewhere on a trip to visit my son
Yet my heart aches to hear your voice
And hear the words I long to hear again
Happy Anniversary my love

I am stunned at my head for not dwelling
On the special holiday we shared for so long
It is true time heals all wounds
Except for those of the heart it seems
For my heart is still connected to yours
Happy Anniversary my love

For the last two years I set aside
This day to mourn our lost love
To remember the love we shared together
And the life we we planned to finish well together
Never dreaming one of us would move on alone
Happy Anniversary my love.

Does the fact that I made plans
To treat this day as any other day
Mean that I am moving on without you
And making my way towards another life
Yet my heart still tugs subconsciously
Happy Anniversary my love.

A dream stirs me awake with your voice still lingering
Instructing and advising me on my pathway in life
Then realization sinks in as I acutally study a calendar and
I see why my heart is yearning to remember a day
So meaningful to me for so many years of my life.
Happy Anniversary my love.

My busy life may obstruct my thoughts
But my heart is never too busy to dwell
On my love who stole my heart so many years ago
And who has gone before me to see our Father
Perhaps you are thinking of me too.
Happy Anniversary my love

So I celebrate the anniversary we shared together
By celebrating my life moving forward without all that sadness
Each year the pain has receded as promised
Leaving me still loving and hurting less.
Feeling your hugs from afar and able to breathe again.
Happy Anniversary, Steve. You were such a gift to me.

More triggers

It has been a long time since last I felt the need to write/purge. Life has been a blessing, work is great, I have lots of new friends and plenty to keep me occupied. Yesterday my mother told me a cousin died of a massive heart attack. She said it was like Steve, no lingering just quick and I agreed how wonderful that was. Up until tonight when I started to think. Steve was alone and my mind recreated how I think things went with him. I know he walked with God, but was there a thought of fear and of us left behind. The fear of life undone? Did he feel pain and when he fell in the parking lot of the store he stopped at, did he hit his head? Did he feel that pain at all?
Now I have never given this too much thought before because of the torture I feel when I go there and the guilt I feel at not being there with him when he left me. I really never follow the thought all the way to the ground like I have done this evening. I recall conversations we had about his fear of not wanting to die alone in his truck, and his constant longing to be with his family and not on the road alone. Yes all pure pain I am feeling as I type this, but somehow I feel it is maybe somewhere I need to go right now, perhaps a healing in another area.
I am not really a morbid person and I have kept away from these places for just that reason the what if's and not knowings have protected me thus far and kept me from losing my mind. The recent suddern loss of my cousin has opened a would again and perhaps this time around I can heal somemore. I can't believe after so much joy I am feeling so much pain again.
My darling, had I been there would it have made you more or less fearful? Would it have been harder on you or on me? I see your face again in the coffin when last I saw you and yes, it is real again. I am not mourning your loss again, I am mourning the fact you were alone, and I was alone. This was one of the only things we ever did apart from each other. We made decisions together, we raised our children together, we spoke on the phone and kept each other company and this we did not do together! It is not a choice either of us would have made and I am once again sad you are no longer a part of my life.
I look to you in times when I need comfort and I am not my best comforter and all others are imitators compared to what we had. I say so many things to cajole myself  such as I know your sudden death was good for you because of no lingering after effects, but my life is the lingering after effect. Life without you is so bland and unsure. I miss you so much and am so sorry at the way you died have I told you that? I really don't take any comfort in the suddeness of your death right now, I am still sad. Cajoling has ceased and I see through it now and it is what it is, I am blessed to have known you and sad you are no longer here. The pall is lifting and I am beginning to see it all again, is that the plan?
Again I move on, one day at a time without you, missing you so much. How can one possibly miss someone as much as I miss you.I know I am passed so many areas of healing, and I promise not to ride this wave too long, I just want to see what I blurred out of my mind and confront it head on. I am strong but weak right now. Pray for me darling to get through this mini misery. I will love you forever Steve, Don't forget me.

Bittersweet

Yesterday I received phone call from my son that they were headed to the hospital to await the arrival of their baby boy Steven Beau Travis. My daughter in law was having some preeclampsia issues and to be safe for everyone they went to the hospital and the doctor said that by lunch the next day we should have a baby. I was so excited and prayerful. I went home so excited knowing that today I will have another grandchild.

Mathu and I lined our ducks up early last evening, making sure I could see the baby via Skype on our phones as soon as I possibly could, since I was unable to be there in person. Yes we have an IPHONE but for some reason we could not Facetime and so glad to have found this out hours ahead of time. I went to bed around 10:30 fell asleep shortly before Mathu called at 11:30 to inform me they were about to start an epidural. This pumped me up for about an hour and then I fell back to sleep until around 1:02a.m. when Mathu called back to say the baby’s heartbeat was slowing and they felt an C-section would be best.

This is when I lost it. Who can sleep when you are nervous, anxious and angry all at the same time? Where are you Steve when I need to bury my head in your chest and scream? Where are you when I need my best buddy to pray with me and share this moment of trepidation and anxious waiting? I miss waiting with you, I miss being excited with you and I miss being worried with you and I miss consoling you and you consoling me both of us saying that it will be alright. I know God is in charge but I want to hear it from you and I want to say it to you. I need my "crisis go to" husband with the broad shoulders and arms to hold me with right now.  I miss you and need you during these family times. YOUR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE I am not supposed to be enjoying these moments alone, without you. You should be apart of these times in my life because you helped them come about.

Okay, I will take a breath now, exhale. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Mantra, but where is the love man? Where are the strong physical arms to hold me through this and to dry my nervous tears? Where is the smile from the man who helped create this baby boy who is about to be a father to our third grandchild? Where is the mutual pride patrol committee and support group? I have already had a grandson without you, my head knows this and though it was difficult, not like this is difficult. I am so far away from them and unable to be with them because I have to have a job right now. I can no longer drop everything and run when our children need us or want us to be with them during an important day in their lives. I am once again adjusting to this new life I find myself in and this is so foreign and uncomfortable for me right now. I hurt. I am aching and my heart is bursting right now because I am unable to do what I have done for so many years. I feel like I am in a straight jacket and the struggle is exhausting me right now.

I am pacing, in my bed, in my head wanting to run the many miles to the bedside of my children trying to grab hold of the hand of the man who was by my side helping me be strong all those many years. I need your hand Steve, it made me so strong and I miss it so badly right now. God please forgive me for not being satisfied with your presence and your promises to always be here for me. I know you are here but I want to feel your hand in mine. I want to put my hands into yours much as Thomas did so many years ago. I believe but I also want to feel, I am addicted to physical touch for my consolation and strength. Do you understand? Of course you do, so why do I feel so alone and pathetic right now? I feel like such a liar. Just this afternoon I was ministering to a friend about being strong taking pride in my strength in you through all this mess and here I crumble at the slightest hint of trouble. Is this a test? Probably, and I am failing miserably again. I need to breathe. It is so hard to breath.

Just when I think I turn a corner, a wall comes up to hit me. And then a familiar messaging sound from my phone causes me to jump. Mathu sends me a picture of our Beau so beautiful and pink and I break down crying hysterical, alone in the middle of the night. Just like old times of nearly 2 years ago without the mourning just relief. Well maybe there was some mourning left in me. I know you are fine, I am not right now but once again I say I will be as I am reaching out for your hand once again Steve. It is just like God’s hand now outstretched towards me, and only seen with my mind. I miss the warmth of your touch and the physical manifestation of God’s love you so wonderfully displayed to me. Does this ever get any easier? REALLY? Am I so weak as to crumble and stumble so easily? I am disappointed and tired and filled with the joy of a new grandbaby named Steven Beau and must focus on that. Steve I miss you and am sorry you couldn’t share this night with me. It is a bittersweet time again. ILYM darling.