New Life, More Love

So my son just tells me they will have a boy the latter part of this year. This is such joyous news and I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I am so happy for them, so why do I feel like a deflated balloon right now? I know I was caught up in the excitement of it, and while sharing of this news I realized the one I wanted to share it with the most isn't here. It is stinging me right now wanting to share this news with Steve and I miss sharing our hearts about this wonderful news. I know he already probably knows this and all, and I am good with where he is and moving on, but it still stinks. Just when you think you've progressed beyond the pain, something opens up. I never expected to cry today but you just never know when it will come.

Now I am doing my grieving right now and plan to be done by the time this post is completed. I will not dwell on the negative side of this glorious news too long, because that is not the point. The point is, I am blessed beyond measure to be having a new grandchild who happens to be a boy and will have fun playing with him and Hannah. The minor inconvience of suffering a moments grief about not having his grandfather here with me to be as elated as I am, will not ruin my day. I have learned to ride the waves of grief all the way to shore now without jumping off too soon. Cowabunga, dude, God has seen fit to send us a grandson. I choose to be happy, I honor the memory of Steve and our life together and I know he is as happy as I am about this. I also choose to move on and see life as a single grandparent and think of amazing ways to spoil my grandchildren.

New life brings new hope and another person into my life to love and another person in my life to love me. Who can possibly be lonely with so much love around. Brennan your MeMere loves you so much already and I look forward to meeting you. God you are the most perfect creator and I thank you for this wonderful blessing in our lives.  This post is ended and I feel the need to go shopping for boy stuff.

Life really does go on

I started this blog because I had lots of emotions to get out of me. I find myself now with not much to say, and I am a bit nervous about that. There is so much going on inside of me right now but I find I have no words. It has been nearly 6 months since I began this new experience of grief.

I think I am nearly done with the mega sad grief but find new things daily to think about and perhaps mourn a bit, but not as deeply.

I still cry if I see a photo of Steve with our granddaughter Hannah who turns 2 years old today and I think of how excited he was to have her in his life. He couldn't wait to be a grandfather and looked forward to holding his grand babies in his lap and laugh at them as they tugged on his beard. We often discussed our future with them and looked forward to spoiling them rotten.  Hannah will never get to know her grandfather and I am sad for this. I get melancholy thinking about the rest of the grands we still may have and what they will be missing, Steve, my other half to this grandparent scenario. I mourn for their loss of Steve's love and affection for them and the wisdom he looked forward to imparting to them as he stroked his mostly gray beard.

I remember Hannah's birth and how Steve rushed down to Mobile and arrived just before she arrived. I was already down there with them and he was coming off the road and waiting to ride down with Kyle. I was so glad they made it in time, that was so important to Steve to be there when Hannah came into the world. It seemed like an eternity the time it took to finally get her in our arms, but once we did it was so wonderful. Steve stood back, waiting his turn patiently, but mostly taking it all in and thanking God for the opportunity to be on earth to see this happy event. His first heart attack nearly prevented this but God granted him the opportunity to at least see his first grandchild, and he was so proud.

Hannah was afraid of Steve as she started to get older. He was a big man with a loud voice and a beard. It hurt my heart to see this but Steve's heart never got hurt, he understood children and he waited patiently as she always warmed up to him in her time. He often spoke of wanting to be Santa Clause for her one ThanksChristmas and couldn't wait to see her face then. Steve liked to observe Hannah while she sized him up. I watched him watch her because I felt so bad for him that she was scared of him and never gave him the big greetings she gave to me or others. I think of the hurt I had for him and know it had to hurt him a little, even though he said it didn't. Hannah your grandfather was crazy enough about you to respect your space and love you through your fear of him. My greatest joy was when you did sit and play with him the few times we saw you in the short year and a half you had with him. You were a balm to his soul and your smile lit his heart up. If you could have spoken and asked for anything, he would have given it to you right there if he could. You might have gotten a pony out of him, but what you got was his eternal love and affection something unseen but lasting.

I miss him today as I remember Hannah's first birthday last year and how excited Steve was about it. Of course I was equally excited if not more and he always had that wonderful smile when we spoke of visiting her. This year would have been so much more fun for Steve than Hannah as she would have had more time to get used to the big man with the beard. I feel his love strongly today as he sits in the throne room of Heaven rejoicing in her birthday today.  Time moves on so must I but I can still

 mourn what my grandchildren will never know; what wasn't meant to be.

Mama said there'd be days like this, and she was right. In my arrogance, I never prepared for mourning, it just happens. What person ever grows up thinking I will get married and then my spouse will die and I will have to mourn and start over again like after high school. My vision for my life was much different than this and becoming a widow was never in the plans and has taken me by surprise. I finally have a small amount of excitement as I stand at this new phase. I hope I can make more mature decisions than I did at 18. Who knows what is ahead for me as I embark on this exploration into my past dreams which have lain dormant and but may be of interest to my new life now. I have forgotten so many of my dreams but as they come back to me, I hope to tweak them and make them more "senior" friendly. For example, I always wanted to skydive, but now instead of doing it alone, I would do a tandem dive probably. I am sad I have to be a single grandparent, but glad to be one and looking forward to more grandchildren, alone. Life really does go on.