Swapping Paint

Well woof woof, yippee and hooray. I have disproved the saying “You can’t teach and old dog new tricks”.  I have learned and am continuing to learn so much at my work that I actually got a raise. I was also told learning new things increases your brain cells so I guess I am just moving on up by leaps and bounds. It really is pretty exciting for me since most people seem to be preparing for retirement at my age when I am just starting to work. I guess I will have to live to 100 to get retirement for me, but at least I am having fun and exceeding my expectations. God is so good to me because it can’t be me learning and adapting at this pace since it is an extremely face paced environment where I work but such a joy to be there.

I think my life may be starting to get interesting again. I can’t put my finger on it but I joined a singles Bible study and funny thing, we are learning to Cajun line dance. I know funny goofy but it is nice clean fun. Of course I only went to one teaching of it and feel like a klutz, but so does everyone else so I am in good company. Why is this in my life right now? Who knows who cares but it is good safe fun with nice people so I am expanding my circle of friends finally and that is good for me.  I am fortunate to be able to visit with my newlywed son and his beautiful bride next weekend when they come visit for their “baby moon” Yeah I know silly term for “Quiet before the storm” when little Steven Beau makes his appearance in August. I had so much fun shopping for him for his shower next weekend. He will be so spoiled.

I love meeting new people and interacting in their lives even if it is for a small amount of time.  It seems I am in process of doing this at my job and outside of it as my circle expands. I am emerging from my cloistered life as wife/mother/widow and making my way out into a new life. It is nice to “swap paint” with so many new people. I know that is usually not a good term because it means you may have been in a car accident but God had shown me a long time ago a small teaching about chance meetings being like small accidents/incidents/coincidences in our daily lives. We meet for a brief period of time and as we interact we swap stories, names, smiles, and even our pain that so much goes on in such a brief time, before we know it we leave a mark. This means that whatever chance encounter we had has the potential to be a memory for either or both or us forever. We are the canvas and God is always working in our lives, creating a living breathing work of art to display in His heavenly gallery. The more paint we have I think, the more interesting the artwork. So how fun is it to have so much more paint and texture in my life.  Wanna swap paint with me?

NEXT....

Well that was quite a wave I rode and I am finally at the other side of it I think. I suppose those idiot grief books have some wisdom to them although I must say, I do not agree with their timelines at all. I don’t want to wait so many years per year I was married to get over this. I want it all behind me now and I think I am doing great at it (today at least). I am dealing in spurts, as new experiences come up, I hit them head on, then I fall flat on my bottom dazed and confused yes birds floating about my head just like in the cartoons, but at least I am still conscious. TKO is the way to go, you look like you still are in the present but really you are in another world LA LA Land where the past is present and the present is present and it is hard pry them apart. It is where you see present circumstances but with distant eyes filled with what ifs and suppositions. Suppose Steve was still here how would things be? What if he was still alive and this was all a dream? Stupid ideas, I know, but it is all part of my brain, parceling out what I can handle in small amounts I guess.

I have just passed another big series of firsts and reality checks and am moving through the Game of Life yet again. Some days I feel like I am just a player on the board but other days I feel like the one playing the game.  I recently connected with an old friend from high school whom I hadn't seen since high school until I attended the funeral of her husband a few short months after moving back home. I offered her my shoulder and it wasn't until just recently when I needed her and she needed me that we saw each other again and decided we needed to form our own support group. It was so nice talking with her and spending time with someone who shares my heart. Most people only can offer a sympathetic ear or heartfelt hug, but we speak the same spoken and unspoken language and I perfectly understand her and the pain. It is such a God event in my life because one of my closest friends became my friend after she moved back home to Selma. I never knew her before, but we became connected through a mutual friend and we became fast friends. She had lost her husband only a few short months before I met her and although I felt her pain then I could never fully connect with her pain like I can now it is almost a different language because most of it is just a silent inner knowing. I bless God for giving her to me then because there are pains we can share with each other that are hard to share with others. So now I am now able to be that person in my high school friends’ life and I now have a Slidell connection and the widow circle grows. I am so glad God knows how to play it forward He goes before us to help us before we know we need it. I am so glad to have someone local to speak to since I have had to leave Selma to come back home. He knows.

I am amazed at how interconnected we are as the body of Christ and how complicated life is but I don’t have to worry so much about the details, God seems to go before me to work those out. For so many years I fought with Him about this, but now it is just easier on me to let Him work it out. I will always be obstinate and have my bullish moments, but He always wins. I sometimes wonder if I have given up on my own life and am just flowing along in denial and then I do something stupid and realize I am still in the struggle for control. My flesh just won’t die like I want it to and that is when I mourn the most and it is when I start to focus on my misery (yes I will say self pity) again, that is when I get new revelation to get out and focus on someone else. I am there again, anyone need help??? I am so available right now.

Anyway, I am confessing to myself with all two of you as my witnesses that I really am still mourning, but I can no longer allow it to consume my identity. I am not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to move on. Yes I know you have heard it, but it is like in church when you hear a reading over and over and you only get it when revelation hits you. Then it is like brand new to you? Well this is my recent revelation I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t care what I think of me, I am moving on physically and spiritually and my emotions will just have to play catch up. Sometimes they get in my way, but really I need to move to the next level because I am so bored with this one that I am no longer learning. It is another season. NEXT….

Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Sunflowers

You know Chocolate is my first true love when I am not at my best but I will tell you my next sinful comfort food is a big hunk of chunky peanut butter on a spoon affectionately called my Peanut Butter Spoon. Both Chocolate and Peanut butter go great together we all know that, but did you know they taste pretty good with a cold beer? Ha I bet you think I have gone to the dark side, no, it just surprised me how well they went together.

Now back to the main reason for my blogging today. I have a birthday coming up, and I have nothing special planned and really don’t care whether I do something or not. I am back to being numb again. Nothing seems to taste good, feel good or look good to me. Is it depression nagging me again? You bet it is, but I will deal again as I usually do. I mean no offense to my very married family, but I am used to being in a married state whether hanging with family or not. It never bothered me until now when I am feeling so alone again. My mind is adapting to being single and all that encompasses and I’m really bored, lonely and not ready for this. I am still fighting anger. I want to rage and hit something again so really I am not good company even for myself. However in the midst of all of this blah I planted sunflowers at various places throughout our yard. I don’t remember where I planted any of them; I just want to be surprised when they sprout up. I am fighting darkness with light the most fun way I know how. Sunflowers are my favorite flowers and I am waiting for my army to grow. I hope they grow quick and tall. I chose to plant the biggest ones I know the Mammoth’s I had grown once before. I need tall flowers because they will be much bigger than any of those small shadows chasing me.

I guess it was inevitable that as I tested the new waters of keeping company that I would be reeling again. I will do what I always do to test the water, dip my toes, recoil quickly, shiver, back up, suck it lots of air to nearly hyperventilate then I jump in. There is minimal pain in the recoil, mostly fear, but jumping requires overcoming the fear of the icy water and feeling the shock again of hitting that icy water after I jump in.  There are days when I want to feel pain, yes to feel anything is good.  I am also being bombarded by all those negative thoughts again, not that I will act on any of them. I am really becoming very empathetic towards people who succumb to these awful nagging voices in my head.

I am blogging it all out on paper and in public, but by tomorrow I will probably be ok again or maybe not until the day after. The shadows of darkness and depression buzz constantly throughout my brain but I don’t really see them until I slow down.  This depression is just something I have started to learn to live with over the last 18 months. I pray it doesn’t get bigger and am praying and trusting God will keep it from me. But just so others you all may know, I know God loves me, but it still doesn’t stop those voices. The big voice within me does only if I stop entertaining them. The fascination in picking a wound to feel the pain brings my back to childhood. I picked my scabs to see if my sore was healing but picking the scab made it hurt worse. Finally you stop the picking and reach for the antibiotic cream. I never said I was a very smart kid, very curious and didn’t like surprises.

So  right now, I am waiting for my sunflowers to shoot up and grow and keeping company with my chocolate and peanut butter. I am waiting for my joy to burst forth once again and what makes me ahead of the game is that I know it will happen again. The sun always burns the clouds away because it can’t always be rainy. But with all the rain those flowers will bloom and grow tall and this will bring my joy again. Once again I repeat my mantra that which doesn’t kill me makes me strong.

Stormy Weather

There are days you just feel stupid, alone and just plain naive. I thought naming something meant what I meant it to be and not anything deeper, but it didn't happen that way. I got tangled in my own miscommunication with my gentleman friend whom I was keeping company with. Yes that is what I called it but as it goes that was not the case. Things didn't go the way I had hoped and emotions got in the way and we have now parted ways. Hopefully we will remain friends, but I am too much of a hot mess to be able to be trying to have a relationship deeper than friendship right now. Heck I missed so many signals and I hurt him pretty bad and for that reason, I need to be alone. In my search for companionship I end up alone again. Funny thing is, I thought one way and he thought another. Heck it was so easy with Steve because he knew what I was thinking before I even knew and the same goes the other way. We knew each other and it was easier.
Back to the couch for me. I enjoyed the experience of getting out, getting to know someone and experiencing more firsts in my new life. It was an old, new experience. I am finding it harder to be upbeat these days though I get so down on myself for missing things I should know or learning new tricks or meeting new people even. I go to work, keep my head down and hope for the best. I am blessed to have my job and blessed to have my family to keep me busy because I am scared to admit this but I can see how a person could get so depressed and find other pursuits to dull the pain. I say this as I drink a beer alone and blog about my life today. How cliche is that.
I say pain, well it is probably more like a bad ache now, it is not as acute as at first, I live with it. There are days like when the weather in my life turns bad where the pain flares up and throbs and aches so deeply within and I can't really pin point a place of origin. The place of origin though is my heart so why does it feel as though my whole body aches. It sneaks up on you and you just never know how hard it will throb or for how long. Once the weather passes it abates, but never really goes away. I wonder if it ever does? It is just below the surface waiting to attack when I seem to be moving on. I guess I am in a stormy weather pattern right now looking for a sunny day again.
Does anyone out there in Blogville know if pain ever goes away for good? I know it will when I die (Yes I have had the thought a time or two), but is that the only way to kill the pain? If it is I guess I will have to live with it.I wish my kids lived closer to me, you would think spending time with them all looking so much like Steve that the pain you would be harder to deal with but actually it is comforting to be around them. We created a beautiful family together and their joy lifts my spirits so much.
 Right now I feel as though I am walking in a bubble again. I started to feel somethings not normal for me, and got scared so I am processing those feelings to discern if I am OK. I won't blog them out because they are personal, but they do have to do with the big Dating word I was so frightened of. I think I almost dated and got scared. A friend flat out told me I was dating and I really couldn't handle that. It made me feel so ashamed and unfaithful. I am positive when I say I am not ready, but I am closer than I was a few months ago, so that is progress. And I have my gentleman friend to thank for being so kind and patient. I hate that my craziness may have hurt him even though I gave him fair warning, it still feels bad.
So I am spinning my wheels again, same situation, learning slowly, going in and out of waves. Learning about being alone again and trying to find the benefits of it. God is still in control even though I am now trying to take the reigns again, I found out that is not a smart idea. Drive on Lord, where we going now. Steer me free of the stormy weather and into the sunny days again.

The Halfway House

Ok so last week was my release from the hospital and I found out this week I am not totally free yet, I am in a halfway house. Go figure. God what is up with this? I believed I was free and moving on and this weekend, just one weekend beyond my resurrection I find myself knocked over by a serious rogue wave.

I had been looking forward to this weekend for quite some time, I was supposed to be camping with my daughter and a friend of hers who will be graduating and moving back north next month. We wanted to have a nice girl’s weekend camping and talking which is what we all do best anyway. My first clue things had gone sideways was the rain predicted for Saturday calling off the camping part of our trip. We decided to stay at Mary's since the whole purpose was to get together anyway so camping  (indoors) was still on.My second clue this weekend was turning was my having to stop off to pay my respects to a family friend (younger than me) whose wife passed away from cancer. Now you might remember this was not my first funeral since, but it did involve someone special to our family. I went in strong, thinking I could offer condolences and support and figuring I had this covered but I should not have gone in alone probably.

Things were fine at first as we chatted with another friend and his wife offering their support and laughing about times past.  It was when our friend started talking about not sleeping and finally sleeping in the bed and other things that my knees started to give way. My legs started to shake and then my head started spinning. I felt like a deer in headlights and I had to run, get as far away as possible so this would not become about me. I said my good byes, and think I told him it was still too fresh for me so maybe he understood why I was there so brief a time, but I had to get out of there quick. I know he won’t remember so maybe that will be a saving grace.

The floodgates burst as soon as I closed my car door, and I was safe and I allowed the bomb of tears to explode in a protected area. The drive to Mobile started off awful as well. I got stuck in a traffic jam just as I got onto the interstate to head to Mobile. Everything in me wanted to go faster and run, but I had to creep at a snail’s pace and couldn’t run at all. I had to deal with it all ever so slowly in the confines of my car and I was feeling very claustrophobic. I wanted to be outside, screaming, outside running or outside hitting on something. I was having a temper tantrum and perhaps a panic attack. I did talk on the phone to my sister for part of it but mostly I had to deal with it. No one could really talk it through with me, it was something I had to do alone. With loud music might I add.

Finally the traffic broke after 45 minutes and I could drive faster towards my very energetic funny daughter. I was looking forward to the distraction of her love and joy again. I got to her house and could only take a nap, I was worn out, but she was sweet and allowed me the time to get it together so we could go out and have fun. She did take a picture of me power napping and usually I am very alert, but didn’t hear that coming. I fell into a quick deep sleep. We went to pick up Mary’s friend Marge, and while there I got a call from Steve’s truck driver friend who I had dinner with a few months back. He was coming through Slidell and wanted to see me, but I told him where I was and he said well that is where I am spending the night so we arranged to pick him up and bring him out to dinner with us. It was all fun and the bum picked up our tab. I say bum because I informed him I would be doing it this time, and he said no because Steve never allowed him to buy dinner for him, so he was paying Steve back for all those times. I was glad Mary got to see him and thank him for getting the rest of Steve’s things back for her. He is the friend who got the blanket and special shirt she wanted back for her and he took a lot of time and trouble to make sure we got those things back.  

All throughout the night we reminisced about Steve and the silly things Steve did with each of us with each girl recounting different memories of Mr. Steve. As much as I loved that they had such fond memories it became such an in my face weekend about dealing with grief again. If I were truly in a halfway house I guess it would be considered a therapy session. It was not the fun care free weekend I wanted, but it was the work weekend I may have needed? What I did learn this weekend is that I am only half way in my process and I thought I was further on. It really feels like I am further along than a year and a half doesn't it? It has been such a long time since I have missed Steve this bad and it hurts. The anesthesia of shock and grief is wearing off perhaps and I am feeling again yes feeling like pins and needles. I was walking along, enjoying the sunshine and a hole swallowed me up. I can see the sun, but the work I need to do to get out of this hole is exhausting me. I need help, Lord, your help please??? You got my back right, let’s get this over again. Sigh.

Ressurection Sunday

Ok so my life has been nothing if not seasonal so I am presently in the Easter season right? I am a week behind resurrection Sunday but I am technically in the correct season for the breakthrough I felt in my life this past weekend. The week leading up to my Easter Sunday (Yes a week behind everyone else) I would call it hell week. I had no sleep and could not even focus I was having so much anxiety about moving on with my life. I think I sweated blood and water a night or two if not in reality, spiritually because it sure felt like it. It had to be the worst sleeping week of this past year of grieving which was precipitated by my spending time with a male friend moving on with life. The anx I suffered and the dreams I had were pretty real, and all dealing with my emotions.

 I had an urge to call Steve this weekend to tell him about my life and the new “friend” I had to keep company with.  When I came back to my senses after the shock of realizing the insanity of that thought I began to feel very unfaithful, and shame crept in again. How do you wrap your head around all of this? Well as I sorted through it during my retreat on Saturday at a local church and I began to realize how normal that thought really was. Steve was nothing if not my best friend whom I shared every little thing with good and bad so yes it was natural for me to want to share some news with him. The subject matter probably was less about sharing with Steve and more about my feelings of acceptance and seeing growth within me. Perhaps I was processing on another level this widow/single status I am in and moved an inch closer to believing it.

I had the most perfect day on Sunday when my friend and I went to the French Quarter Festival in New Orleans.  Our day began with me attending church with him and his sister and that is when I began to feel things begin to slide off of me.  After church we rode with the top down in his convertible on the most glorious day the Lord could ever give for my resurrection Sunday.  As the wind whipped my hair around and I had no desire to worry about how it looked, I felt a spiritual breaking and a freedom that I hadn’t been living in for quite some time. As we leisurely walked the streets, taking in the music and wonderful food, I knew a new level in my healing was happening this day. I couldn’t put it to words, but I felt it deeply as I soaked in the music, tasted the food, enjoyed the company of a sweet male companion and basked in the beauty of the most perfect day I had experienced in such a long time. My senses came alive again and I felt released from the shackles of grief and felt a new chapter beginning in my life.

 It was a delight to feel the comfortable feeling of joy and peace rise up in me as the wind rushed through my hair while we sped down the freeway back toward home at the end of a lovely spring day. I was free and I was happy. I didn’t realize how good it felt to breathe again and to see people again without the pall of grief tainting everything I saw, heard or touched. The numbness was beginning to wear off and I was able to feel young and free again and revel in the exciting new things ahead. The most amazing thing to me is how much I enjoyed feeling safe and comfortable in the company of my male companion.  We are still not dating but I enjoy keeping company with him. I am so anxious to experience life and I believe my life is just getting interesting again and I can’t wait to live it.

I still have a ways to go, but at least the hospital doors are open wide and I am on the other side heading to my life again. I felt hope surface in me again, the hope the priest on my retreat spoke about on Saturday. The hope that Jesus gave when He was resurrected. He went before me to prepare my way and He was with me during my time in the tomb but Sunday was my day to arise and I am so glad to be living my life again. I cast off my grave clothes and take back my life. I think I will have some fun again and I will let you in on some of it wink, wink .(A girl has to have some secrets you know).

Keeping Company

I should be sleeping but my mind won’t shut down. I have work tomorrow and a busy weekend ahead again. I am enjoying staying busy but this new lifestyle change sure takes some getting used to. I have been at work past my probation period so this is a good thing. I have a job.   My circle is opening and I am meeting new people.  I have been talking with the man who bought me the carrot cake and bug spray nearly every night and we have gone a few places together and  hope it continues, so why all the crazy dreams lately? Why all the overanalyzing?

I try to keep busy so I don’t think so now my brain is rebelling and I am processing my life in my dreams. I don’t recognize myself at all these days. My friend says I’m dating and I quickly let her know I am not dating that I am keeping company and there is a difference. My brain refuses to accept the dating term yet so that could be reason for some nightmares. In all of my dreams, most of them are of betrayal and pain yes me causing Steve pain and betraying him by being happy. How stupid but yes, I do wonder if I am starting too soon and not fully healed yet or just scared of the whole process of that darned d word my friends keep throwing at me. I really am just keeping company with a male companion dating is for younger people.

I forgot about the "firsts" also. I had let out a sigh of relief after Mathu's wedding thinking pretty much they were all over.  Well on one of out outings we danced a slow dance which was another "first" and boy did I get hit with a tidal wave as I realize I had just stepped off into more "firsts". Just being alone with him I seem to always feel like I am sneaking around. I haven’t been forthright with my kids either, well not all of them at least.  I don’t want to hurt them or quite honestly listen to the teasing. I really am trying to be smart about all of this so my brain can take it all in and process it so my emotions can play catch up. I feel as though every time we go out some sort of "first" plays out so when I go home, my mind processes and lets me know how I should feel. I am usually too shell shocked to feel anything so I am on a delayed time switch. More like a deer in headlights! By the next time we see each other I am back to normal feeling good about moving forward. I eventually want to be in the same time zone as him instead of experiencing everything from a distance.

 I do hope my male friend is as true as he seems to be and doesn’t abandon this psycho woman with nightmares and bouts of emotions that could put PMS to shame.  I seem to judge myself the harshest. I feel as though I am being unfaithful. Could this that the residue from so many years of being with the same person? Or is our bond so strong, it can’t be broken? I tend to over think things when all I really just want to have some fun and not be lonely. I guess for now I will continue to move forward and practice being unfaithful so I can move past the pain. Steve loved me and wanted me to be happy and he always said he hoped I would find someone else if something happened to him. I said the same words to him, but never really felt them earnestly. I didn’t want him with anyone but me and I am sure he must have felt the same way, right?

So I will keep company for now, see what happens and ride this crazy train all the way down the road. My life is such a ride and it is going much faster than I would like. I feel like I am doing the Time Warp. Yeah Rocky Horror if only my nightmares could be as ridiculous and fun.