Well I am now a working woman. I have completed my first week of paid employment and I have enjoyed the daily challenges of learning new things. It is my new life and I am so happy to have a job and an opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to start over again. It just so happens on my way to work yesterday I had Steve with me. On January 17th it will be two years since I had minor surgery on my lip to remove a basal cell carcinoma. I was so grateful for it because if it weren’t for that ugly thing on my lip I never would have known about the melanoma developing on a very innocent looking spot on my arm. Since my surgery there are days when my lip feels very fat and swollen and yesterday was one of them.
The procedure I had also caused Steve to overreact and treat me like I had some really bad form of cancer. I laughed at him and told him I would be fine and that it was not a big deal. He made such a fuss and was so concerned that I gave in and let it be alright that he had asked his work to keep his truck driving routes closer to home during the first six months of 2010. It meant less money but more home time for him which was always a good thing for us. Yesterday morning on my way to work I realized another reason to be grateful for this minor occasional discomfort. Now when my lip feels fat I can remember how good God was to bring Steve closer to home the last year I would ever see him. How special I am that God loves me enough to do that for me. I can’t imagine 2010 without all our extra home time together and family occasions. We often commented on how nice it was that he was home so much that year. Never realizing how precious those times really were and it would be his last spring with us.
So I won't complain again about my lip feeling fat or feeling self conscience about my ugly scar. I am so glad to have that reminder of God’s love for me and my family. Now it reminds me of Steve’s love for me, his concern and I feel good as I allow those great memories of that year to flood in. It was also interesting that as this new revelation set in on the way to work I was in stop and go traffic after I exited the interstate and all the way until the road became a single lane I rode side by side with a large 18 wheeler. Now that is not a coincidence and it felt like Steve was with me. The only bad part was I cried most of the way to work but fortunately no one noticed when I got to the office. Thank God for waterproof mascara and a busy work environment.
It is amazing the hardships we go through never realizing there could be a reason and a bright side to every difficult experience we have. It took me two years to recognize another reason to not complain about a minor thing that I had called myself being so grateful to God for. My arms got tired of praising so I once again let them drop and started to complain. How quickly we forget how good God is. He has truly been a light unto my path. I am unsure of the movie that this scene was in (probably Indiana Jones or something like that) but there was an invisible path over a deep cavern and this man had to step out in faith and believe that the path was there in that one certain spot. It wasn’t until he stepped onto it that the pathway became visible. I look back on the past year and a half since Steve passed away and I never knew what the next step would be and truthfully have been just moving forward without thinking too hard in my fog of unknowing. Each time I took the step a stepping stone became visible and God has gone before me to illuminate it for me.
Actually I had felt deep inside of me that I really wasn’t going to have a job until after this New Year but I was unsure how much of that feeling was pessimism due to discouragement or if it was God reassuring me within my spirit. I did my due diligence by walking forward; putting in applications seeking out jobs where I could and I left it at that and knew God had a job for me somewhere because He had taken me so far already that I knew He wouldn’t leave me stranded. I also knew from past experience about throwing me into difficult situations for testing too and I didn’t want another survival test, I wanted an easy assignment one I wouldn’t have to put a lot of effort into. I confess I was becoming a bit disheartened that I had not received any calls fearing I was un-hirable but God had different plans. I felt like I was ready to move onto the next thing but didn’t have a next thing to move on to yet. He put a friend in her perfect position at work at His perfect time she asked me if I was still looking for a job. It is always about His timing isn’t it? I am grateful for new hope this new year and seeing His path lit up before me. I only pray my eyes never grow dim again and my hands never fall by my side as I have once again uplifted them in praise. I must be careful not to complain because I notice that is when my arms start to fall.
Thank you God for my fat lip, for my new job and assuring me that I am strong enough to start all over again and I feel you have released me back into the world. My recovery time is now over and I pray I never let you down and that my feet never leave this path. I will try not to complain again.
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