The end. The Beginning

So yes it has been a very long time since last I blogged. And I believe in my heart this may be the absolute last chapter of mourning for me. Spring is here and my winter is finally over.
I have often said over these past 3 and 1/2 years, that I feel like a teenager at times starting my life over and not sure of my future like so many years ago when I joined the Navy. I will say, I have questioned whether this time of mourning is respectful or long enough but I know my husband, and he is fine with my life as it is now. He loved me enough to want me to be happy and to find another man to make a life with. We spoke about it often sometimes jokingly but mostly serious. It seems no matter how much we plan our lives, they are never really our own. God has a plan and His hands are in everybit of my life.

It seems God had other plans for me nearly a year ago. I went to a class reunion with absolutely no expectations but to have a good time and visit with friends I hadn't seen in thirty or so years. I went with a girlfriend who I work with and another male classmate asked if he could tag along with us. We wholeheartedly agreed since he volunteered to be our designated driver for the two nights of reunion events. He was always such a nice fun guy in high school so sure, the more the merrier. The three of us and our whole class had more fun than we could remember. I really enjoyed dancing and living life again. I believe I danced away a few demons that weekend.

Well this very nice gentleman classmate asked me if perhaps we could make a play date for our grandkids and I thought it was a great idea. So we did that and spent a few months talking and hanging out and yes I call it that because that is what it was until it wasn't. So yes, we are dating and enjoying  talking about the possibility of a future together. Can you believe that? I know I can't either. It just happened, and now I feel excited about the possibility of this relationship. I have to say it took many hours of processing and patience. He is so kind and considerate of my feelings and mourning out the rest of it. And because of this, I feel clean, like the last bit of burial shroud is gone and I can run, dance and fly all at the same time. So this is what real breakthrough feels like or is it love or both? Who cares, I just like having someone in my life again that I can share everything with.

I am so grateful to God for sending me such a generous, Godly man. So cheers, all. Here's to the end of my mourning life, and the beginning of my new life. WOO HOO. God bless you Steve, I am HAPPY again. I will see you again one day soon my first love. You will like this ex marine and we will have lots to talk about.

Its not about me

One period of mourning is over the next one not as bad. I took the day yesterday to put away a few of Millies things and grief overtook me.  I had to stuff so much of it down to be able to go to work and do my job making sure I didn't bleed out onto our patients. It was a difficult week and it was bound to catch up to me and it did.  Millie was my grief counselor and the one I turned to. She listened to me cry and heard me pray and rant and ask stupid questions like Why? Realization is just now settling in yet again. My crutch is now gone and I go it alone.
    Up until this time I thought I was doing it alone within the confines of my family of course but I had Millie to care for. She has been the most healthy dog up until this year and I had to give her extra attention this year. But now, what has hit me this morning, is for the first time in over thirty years I have no one or no thing to take care of. I am responsible for me only!  This is why my emotions were so jumbled and this is what I couldn't put my finger on until this morning.
    So how does this look? No wonder I feel so lost and confused. Will I become selfish now that I have only me to look after?? Oh I hope not. I hope it means the opposite that I will be freer to be more available to others.  It is an odd feeling. It was the strangest thing to be able to buy new clothes for myself just two short years ago, but I can do it now without feeling guilty. So I assume this will get normal for me too someday. I see it as an opportunity for me and I intend to make the best of it.
     I know I am never really alone, and even though it sounds like I feel alone my God sent a friend to reach out on Facebook to keep me from getting too close to despair.  He didn't even know our chat yesterday was just what I needed to snap out of myself and back on the target of getting over it.  Then God sent my sister to distract me with a totally stupid silly movie.  So I am never alone, though I may get lonely, God provides my every need!! I feel so much more on track this morning with new direction and new focus. It's not about me, its about others now. The comfort I took in caring for my family was a perfect ministry for me. It was safe and comfortable and I loved every second of it. As the last string is cut, I look forward truly to my next big or little mission for my life.
So Millie, once again you have helped me by leaving me so I can stand alone unencumbered to be able to do what you did so well, be there for those in need.

Goodbye Millie

    The ceramic tile on the kitchen floor was a hard place for me yesterday, as I sat petting my beloved Millie as she was settling down from her last seizure which had occurred about two hours prior. We just silently kept company as I awaited the hour I knew was to be the time of her death. Her brilliant blue eyes never lost their twinkle for me even while she was disoriented from her seizure. She recognized me and wagged her tail and greeted me with as much love and fervor as she had done at every greeting since we got her. This precious creature God sent to our family after losing our other sweet dog, a Cocker Spaniel named Lady. Millie was our rebound puppy born on St. Patrick's day in the year 2000 which was how she was named Millie. It was short for Millennium.
    She loved us all well but she and I spent the most time together since I had been a stay home mom for so many of our thirteen years together. Actually it has only been this last year and a half that I have been separated from her so much because of my new lifestyle change and having to work. She was blessed to have my parents to be home with her daily so the transition in her elder years was not as traumatic as it could have been. They cared for her and loved her too. She never allowed any one of my children or yard children to go unannounced or un welcomed when they came back for a visit. She barked and ran around the yard and the house yipping and heralding the arrival of a very special guest. She could not contain her joy and it spilled out to us all.
    I had to come home from work yesterday to be with my Millie. As I walked to the backyard where  she paced aimlessly trying to get her bearings again after her seizure, she recognized me.  Her quizzical look after greeting me asking "what is going on with me mom?" is still with me. This is how I know I am through with my mourning process and am out of my "wilderness". I prayed for  God to  please take her while she slept so I wouldn't have to make this decision. Steve made the decision for Lady to be put down. So you understand since Steve's death three years ago in October of this year, I haven't had to make decisions this huge. They were pretty much made for me and the way was prepared for me. I was sheltered by God and his grace and mercy were my provision as He became my ultimate provider while I recovered. This was a tough decision and I felt like I was killing her and even used this harsh terminology with my friends who tried to convince me that I was showing her mercy. I don't know if it was mercy for her because she never seemed in pain or if it was selfish mercy for me after watching her recover from her seizures. I will have to figure that out on another day.
    So Millie I have been told I made the right decision and I will live with that choice. It hurts me so deeply when I close my eyes and still seeing your beautiful blue eyes looking at me as I discuss, right in front of you, the decision I made with the vet. You were by far the sweetest, best friend I had. You were most definitely the best prayer dog ever and I will miss your comfort. You loved the woods and roaming free and I felt very blessed when friends offered their "pet cemetery" as your final place to rest. You would love it because it is close to the bayou and plenty of woods for you to get lost in. Thank you mom and dad, Joe and Barbara and my dear Bernadette for helping me during this sad time. You made it so easy and yes the decision was hard but I recognize Gods hand in the peace filled, loving path set before me afterwards.
    I miss my morning licks to wake me, I miss my evening greetings, but most of all I miss your unconditional love, Millie. I do hope dogs go to heaven because Millie you were the best! 

Walking through the doorway of breakthrough

Mourning is done..I am officially entering a new place more challenging yet exciting than the last three years of my life. I am moving forward again not drifting or floating but with purpose and direction. The direction is forward and upward. My head is clearer, my heart opening up again and the world just seems brighter. My spring is here and it is summer. There is a season for everything under this sun and I may not be in season with nature but I am in season with me.
Last weekend was our wedding anniversary and I found myself on a road trip visiting with my kids. It was made more enjoyable by the friendly drive I had with a long lost male friend from high school. We made excellent traveling companions and I felt completely safe. What surprised me most was that I was lost in my new life and not in my mourning anymore. I acknowledged the date but didn't grieve it.  I am in my breakthrough finally able to say and mean I have re-entered my life again. I can be of help and assistance and think with a clear head again and not worry about bleeding out onto another hurting soul. It is such a great feeling.
I thank God for all those wonderful people He put into my path to help me process my emotions which can I say were extremely out of sync! I thank God for the widow before me, the widow after me, family, friends all strategically placed in my life to bring me back to life. I have lots of living left to do and plan to use my time as wisely as I can. Thank you to you insane people who cried with me and watched me blog through this awful transition. I am about to put the Mantle to bed and bring out the dancing shoes. God you have turned my mourning into dancing. Woo hoo look out world here I come. I crack myself up sometimes but I am laughing again. Love you all and who knows I may continue to blog the scary exciting new world ahead. ;-)

Creeps In

It has been a year since this time last
And do you realize how much I still miss you
My head is elsewhere on a trip to visit my son
Yet my heart aches to hear your voice
And hear the words I long to hear again
Happy Anniversary my love

I am stunned at my head for not dwelling
On the special holiday we shared for so long
It is true time heals all wounds
Except for those of the heart it seems
For my heart is still connected to yours
Happy Anniversary my love

For the last two years I set aside
This day to mourn our lost love
To remember the love we shared together
And the life we we planned to finish well together
Never dreaming one of us would move on alone
Happy Anniversary my love.

Does the fact that I made plans
To treat this day as any other day
Mean that I am moving on without you
And making my way towards another life
Yet my heart still tugs subconsciously
Happy Anniversary my love.

A dream stirs me awake with your voice still lingering
Instructing and advising me on my pathway in life
Then realization sinks in as I acutally study a calendar and
I see why my heart is yearning to remember a day
So meaningful to me for so many years of my life.
Happy Anniversary my love.

My busy life may obstruct my thoughts
But my heart is never too busy to dwell
On my love who stole my heart so many years ago
And who has gone before me to see our Father
Perhaps you are thinking of me too.
Happy Anniversary my love

So I celebrate the anniversary we shared together
By celebrating my life moving forward without all that sadness
Each year the pain has receded as promised
Leaving me still loving and hurting less.
Feeling your hugs from afar and able to breathe again.
Happy Anniversary, Steve. You were such a gift to me.

More triggers

It has been a long time since last I felt the need to write/purge. Life has been a blessing, work is great, I have lots of new friends and plenty to keep me occupied. Yesterday my mother told me a cousin died of a massive heart attack. She said it was like Steve, no lingering just quick and I agreed how wonderful that was. Up until tonight when I started to think. Steve was alone and my mind recreated how I think things went with him. I know he walked with God, but was there a thought of fear and of us left behind. The fear of life undone? Did he feel pain and when he fell in the parking lot of the store he stopped at, did he hit his head? Did he feel that pain at all?
Now I have never given this too much thought before because of the torture I feel when I go there and the guilt I feel at not being there with him when he left me. I really never follow the thought all the way to the ground like I have done this evening. I recall conversations we had about his fear of not wanting to die alone in his truck, and his constant longing to be with his family and not on the road alone. Yes all pure pain I am feeling as I type this, but somehow I feel it is maybe somewhere I need to go right now, perhaps a healing in another area.
I am not really a morbid person and I have kept away from these places for just that reason the what if's and not knowings have protected me thus far and kept me from losing my mind. The recent suddern loss of my cousin has opened a would again and perhaps this time around I can heal somemore. I can't believe after so much joy I am feeling so much pain again.
My darling, had I been there would it have made you more or less fearful? Would it have been harder on you or on me? I see your face again in the coffin when last I saw you and yes, it is real again. I am not mourning your loss again, I am mourning the fact you were alone, and I was alone. This was one of the only things we ever did apart from each other. We made decisions together, we raised our children together, we spoke on the phone and kept each other company and this we did not do together! It is not a choice either of us would have made and I am once again sad you are no longer a part of my life.
I look to you in times when I need comfort and I am not my best comforter and all others are imitators compared to what we had. I say so many things to cajole myself  such as I know your sudden death was good for you because of no lingering after effects, but my life is the lingering after effect. Life without you is so bland and unsure. I miss you so much and am so sorry at the way you died have I told you that? I really don't take any comfort in the suddeness of your death right now, I am still sad. Cajoling has ceased and I see through it now and it is what it is, I am blessed to have known you and sad you are no longer here. The pall is lifting and I am beginning to see it all again, is that the plan?
Again I move on, one day at a time without you, missing you so much. How can one possibly miss someone as much as I miss you.I know I am passed so many areas of healing, and I promise not to ride this wave too long, I just want to see what I blurred out of my mind and confront it head on. I am strong but weak right now. Pray for me darling to get through this mini misery. I will love you forever Steve, Don't forget me.

Bittersweet

Yesterday I received phone call from my son that they were headed to the hospital to await the arrival of their baby boy Steven Beau Travis. My daughter in law was having some preeclampsia issues and to be safe for everyone they went to the hospital and the doctor said that by lunch the next day we should have a baby. I was so excited and prayerful. I went home so excited knowing that today I will have another grandchild.

Mathu and I lined our ducks up early last evening, making sure I could see the baby via Skype on our phones as soon as I possibly could, since I was unable to be there in person. Yes we have an IPHONE but for some reason we could not Facetime and so glad to have found this out hours ahead of time. I went to bed around 10:30 fell asleep shortly before Mathu called at 11:30 to inform me they were about to start an epidural. This pumped me up for about an hour and then I fell back to sleep until around 1:02a.m. when Mathu called back to say the baby’s heartbeat was slowing and they felt an C-section would be best.

This is when I lost it. Who can sleep when you are nervous, anxious and angry all at the same time? Where are you Steve when I need to bury my head in your chest and scream? Where are you when I need my best buddy to pray with me and share this moment of trepidation and anxious waiting? I miss waiting with you, I miss being excited with you and I miss being worried with you and I miss consoling you and you consoling me both of us saying that it will be alright. I know God is in charge but I want to hear it from you and I want to say it to you. I need my "crisis go to" husband with the broad shoulders and arms to hold me with right now.  I miss you and need you during these family times. YOUR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE I am not supposed to be enjoying these moments alone, without you. You should be apart of these times in my life because you helped them come about.

Okay, I will take a breath now, exhale. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Mantra, but where is the love man? Where are the strong physical arms to hold me through this and to dry my nervous tears? Where is the smile from the man who helped create this baby boy who is about to be a father to our third grandchild? Where is the mutual pride patrol committee and support group? I have already had a grandson without you, my head knows this and though it was difficult, not like this is difficult. I am so far away from them and unable to be with them because I have to have a job right now. I can no longer drop everything and run when our children need us or want us to be with them during an important day in their lives. I am once again adjusting to this new life I find myself in and this is so foreign and uncomfortable for me right now. I hurt. I am aching and my heart is bursting right now because I am unable to do what I have done for so many years. I feel like I am in a straight jacket and the struggle is exhausting me right now.

I am pacing, in my bed, in my head wanting to run the many miles to the bedside of my children trying to grab hold of the hand of the man who was by my side helping me be strong all those many years. I need your hand Steve, it made me so strong and I miss it so badly right now. God please forgive me for not being satisfied with your presence and your promises to always be here for me. I know you are here but I want to feel your hand in mine. I want to put my hands into yours much as Thomas did so many years ago. I believe but I also want to feel, I am addicted to physical touch for my consolation and strength. Do you understand? Of course you do, so why do I feel so alone and pathetic right now? I feel like such a liar. Just this afternoon I was ministering to a friend about being strong taking pride in my strength in you through all this mess and here I crumble at the slightest hint of trouble. Is this a test? Probably, and I am failing miserably again. I need to breathe. It is so hard to breath.

Just when I think I turn a corner, a wall comes up to hit me. And then a familiar messaging sound from my phone causes me to jump. Mathu sends me a picture of our Beau so beautiful and pink and I break down crying hysterical, alone in the middle of the night. Just like old times of nearly 2 years ago without the mourning just relief. Well maybe there was some mourning left in me. I know you are fine, I am not right now but once again I say I will be as I am reaching out for your hand once again Steve. It is just like God’s hand now outstretched towards me, and only seen with my mind. I miss the warmth of your touch and the physical manifestation of God’s love you so wonderfully displayed to me. Does this ever get any easier? REALLY? Am I so weak as to crumble and stumble so easily? I am disappointed and tired and filled with the joy of a new grandbaby named Steven Beau and must focus on that. Steve I miss you and am sorry you couldn’t share this night with me. It is a bittersweet time again. ILYM darling.

The Circle of Life

Well I will say I am doing well and then something jumps up and slaps you in the face and makes you reevaluate how far you have to go for full healing. Just this past week a person I am mildly acquainted with who has a pretty good income was having issues concerning his heart. He fought with the idea of having treatment and was so cavalier about taking care of himself as if it were a mere ant bite. When I first heard this, it took everything in my power not to scream at him and slap him in the face and shake him silly. If you have the access to healthcare, why not use it? My husband didn’t have such a luxury and because of his preexisting condition was denied it so we paid out of pocket. This also meant no premium health care for him at the end and sometimes I think this maybe could have helped give him a few more years. Yes I know what I believe, God has a time for all of us, but we also have other things at our disposal to help us.

Okay I didn’t say any of that to this man, and I will let him live his life  because it is his decision not mine to make but I was shocked at my reaction to his behavior. It caused me to cry and get in a gnarly mood as anger crept in silently and I had nowhere to run and had to confront it. I am angry with Steve for not doing all he could humanly do to keep from having another heart attack and not for allowing me to help. I am mad at him for committing legal suicide. Okay so that is a dramatic statement to make, but I have felt that and still do a little bit despite my inner knowing that God is in control. It is my attempt at taking back the reigns one more time and saying with eyes closed, one eye peeking and shrugging my shoulders saying to God “Right?” Wow anger bubbled up again where it had been so flooded with joy. The fountain which flows is one of fire and water and I feel both at the same time.

I know God is in control and things happen in right time and right season, but I always ask what is our part in keeping our temple clean. How does God look at it? I get confused sometimes because I know God is good, I know all things happen for the good of those who love and serve the Lord. But how does illness, play a part in our faith and beliefs. In my lay person terminology if a diabetic is great Christian, loves everyone, does everything in her church and lives a beautiful faith filled life, but continues to gorge on candy and soda pop, is she being obedient or considered rebellious or does it fall under gluttony? Okay so I have no answers, and I am really not trying to judge anyone and not pointing this particular scenario to any one person, since my husband had heart issues and diabetes so it is safe for me to speculate and play what ifs. I have high cholesterol, should I be eating any fried foods ever? May I indulge once a week/month or year? Which makes me most obedient to God’s plans for my life?

I have to do some more soul searching on this issue so these small matters don’t trigger any more stupid anger or tears.  I never want to judge a person and that is basically what I did and for that I am ashamed, but more than that, I am driven to find out the answer for my trigger. I have an idea and it is good to feel it to deal with it again I guess.  It is fascinating this stupid healing layering system little bit at a time. I get so frustrated because I want to be more in control and this where my conflict really lies. I want to be such a big girl about all of this.

So here goes, Steve I forgive you for any stupid decisions that you made which may have contributed to your health issues. I forgive you for not involving me in those health decisions that affected our relationship. We were married, we two became one and you took matters of us into your hands only. I am angry about that and I forgive you. Forgive me for contributing to stress in your life which may have led you to those poor decisions about our lives. Forgive me for not seeing that you maybe weren’t feeling well and I forgive you for hiding that from me. Oh God, you know our hearts, and you know the things hidden there. Let me release all this and forgive the man I loved for 30 years for abandoning me. Whether selfish or selfless, I was mad about him hiding his health issues from me, and for leaving me here without him. I need release and I need to forgive.

And as I type this tonight I get a text from my daughter in law that little Steven Beau has sent her to the hospital with contractions 2 weeks early. Do you think we might have a baby tonight? I don’t know but it is just like Steve to push an issue involving healing with something so beautiful and precious. And yes I know God is the one pushing so is that an attribute of God? Pushing? Yes I think so. Sigh, I still have a lot of growing up to do don’t I?

Mick

We went to Ireland in 2009, Steve and I. It was perhaps the biggest and best time we had other than our time on Guam while we were dating. There is something to be said about visiting other places different than the usual places we live in daily. Our visit to Ireland, was a sacred vacation because it was my dream destination and Steve made it his too. He gave me a small pewter box shaped like a heart, and told me to write down places I would like to visit then place them in that box. It was our treasure box. I put Ireland.

At the time there was no other place I wanted to go since I knew nothing about my grandma’s home nor her family. I had always been curious about the country she hailed from, but she was very close lipped about her childhood, and the beautiful land I had only seen in pictures in books and television. My heart yearned for it and I knew I had to go there one day. We took the opportunity to visit to celebrate our not yet 30^th anniversary, and combined it with a surprise visit to crash an Irish wedding. My mother and father had been there once before and had been invited to a wedding of a cousin’s child. I was able to contact a cousin I had previously been a pen pal with to formulate a sneak attack and acquire lodging with “family” for a couple of nights while we attended the wedding and surprised my parents.

We met had met Mick at the wedding reception, he and his lovely wife Mary. We had the hardest time understanding Mick all night long and when he gave us direction to his house his accent so thick and mumbled. Steve and I looked at each other and I laughed at the way Steve so politely pretended to understand him and spent the evening attempting to understand. Mick gave us directions at least twice and, well all I understood was ask at the store. What store, ask for directions at the store, how odd. We drove to town and asked if they knew of Mick and Mary and proceeded to give us the directions as Mick had said they would. We were told to look for the statue of the Virgin Mary, that it was the only house on the street with one out front.

We found it, just as the store keeper had said, and Mick met us outside. He had a smile on his face and a glint in his eye and looked like a kid with a secret as he motioned to us to come see his Mary waiting for us. We didn’t quite get what was going on until we realized he was trying so hard to be quiet as he led us into a room where Mary slept in a chair looking out the window for us. He asked us to snap a picture of her sleeping, which we gladly did for the cute little man who seemed so excited to see us. The flash from the camera woke Mary and the smile that came over Mick’s face as she fussed at him was priceless. I will never forget that sheepish grin and the love that passed between the two of them as they fussed at with each other over her embarrassment at being caught asleep. Mary and her use of thee and ye archaic words to me found only in King James Bible and Shakespeare fascinated me. I loved that.

Mick and Steve attempted to talk and I caught most of it and translated for Steve, but the Guinness was what helped them communicate the best.   I watched this beautiful couple, love us from the moment we stepped out of the car. Their hospitality was probably the highlight of our trip well that and our discussion about God and Steve’s angelic encounter he had. That night we made heart friends and I fell in love with these relatives from across the sea like I had known them all my life. I felt so at home here and enjoyed their company and warm hospitality poor Mary apologizing the night away about the condition of her lovely home and the pitiful food she offered us. It was a feast for us to be there at all enjoying the company of family. I had to tell her not to offer us any more food or tea we really were okay and despite our size, we didn’t eat all day.

Steve was the first to leave us in 2010, then in 2011 mom’s cousin whose wedding we crashed passed away and this year, last night, it was Mick. I know there is a joyous homecoming somewhere, but right now I grieve with Mary as I grieved with Rita last year. I was so blessed to be able to have time with these strong Irish women and their precious husbands. Isn’t life strange? I know things always happen for a reason, still trying to figure this one out. Mary is a strong woman and I know she will be alright because her faith is so strong and her family bonds so tight. As I finish this blog, I see that twinkle in Steve and Mick’s eyes I saw in Ireland as they drank silently watching their women across the room visiting with each other. They understand each other perfectly now, and have gone before us just to say I told you so probably. My circle of widows is widening as I grow older. Is it because I am older or because of a calling on my life? This I am watching to see.

Happy Anniversary Darling

Hey sweetheart. I loved when you would call me that. I knew you meant it and I miss you saying that to me. This is our second anniversary apart and I have been doing so well. Steve I know you would be so proud of me as you were always my biggest cheerleader. I want you to know I am strong about tomorrow although today I had a couple of rough moments as I thought back on that stupid day when you died. I say stupid, because although we were together 30 plus years I choose to go back to then that awful day. There are so many better days to think back on and I am choosing those for tomorrow and future anniversary dates.

You told me a few times, that you held me back from becoming the woman I should become. I remember arguing with you so often about that statement. That was such a lie, because it wasn’t my time yet. I had to have all the experiences under my belt so I could come out and flourish as I am meant to. You were part the best part of my training. You taught about unconditional love and you made me feel beautiful whenever your eyes fell on me from across the room. You taught me about faithfulness because you never glanced inappropriately at another woman in my presence or told me how beautiful she was. You always made a point of lifting me and reassuring me of my beauty and helped me recognize and feel secure about the beauty of God within me. Even when I had my surgery and I felt hideous, you adored me and loved me with your care and concern for my well being as you nursed me back to good emotional health about the wretched scar that I now embrace. When it feels swollen I am taken back to the time I was so loved by you that you sacrificed for me and stayed close to me and was even more concerned about my health than I was. I love you for this.

Through our many ups and downs you taught me about creative financing paying bills and shopping for groceries all wonderful life skills I use daily. I was pushed to be able to think outside the box to provide meals, make costumes, create games, and low budget fun filled birthday parties for our family. I learned how to repair holes in walls, paint the walls, fix flat tires and fix perfect pancakes because of your love for me and your desire to keep me from being helpless. You always told me I could do anything I put my mind to and you pretty much were right. I am learning this right now as your words of love and encouragement ring in my ears.

You helped me be strong and courageous through many trials in our lives. I stood through them all, next to you despite everything, we still stood together, until you were no longer there. Now I stand alone without you to support me, but I am strong enough now to stand alone. I can weather any storm now because I am deeply rooted and because of your support, standing tall and straight as an arrow. I know you prayed many prayers for me as I did for you and our love kept us strong and will keep me going into this new life I am in.

My darling, I could not let this day pass without some form of public recognition for all the great love you showed me and poured into me during our wonderful moment together. In God’s eyes it was only a moment but we will share eternity together some day. I cry as I type this, but my tears are no longer the copious tears of a weeping pathetic widow who can do nothing without her man. I stand strong and proud to have been your wife and my tears are because you told me so and I didn’t listen until now. I am the person you told me I was during those many years when I seemed to be losing my identity in the everyday life of wife and mother. You still saw the ambitious, adventurous woman you married and saw my potential long before I found it again.   

Thank you Lord for giving me the person I needed to bring me to where I am now as a woman of God. I never would have thought to do some of those things to get me to step up, but hey what do I know. I love you and am so grateful for the man you put into my life. He was my helpmate as much as I was ever his helpmate. We both brought different sets of baggage to the marriage, but eventually, we sorted through it all and at least he got rid of all of his and I am down to a makeup kit. You are awesome and truly aware of our every need and Lord if you ever see fit to bring another man into my life, what can I really do about it anyway. I will train him too wink, wink.

Steve I love you munga my sweetheart, I will never forget you. Thank you darling for all you did for my spirit, I only wish you were here so you could tell me so in person. I commemorate our 31st anniversary this night and want you to know you will never be forgotten, only cherished more each year as I am able to remember more of our conversations now that my mind is less tramatized.

AWESOME JOY

Well I came through my giant leap of faith into the next phase of my new life feeling so drunk on life and I can only describe it as AWESOME! I can see the appeal to jumping from an airplane at 14,000 feet and feeling a rush that I can only describe as AWESOME. I laughed like a drunken fool all the way down as well because the joy I felt as my new life was birthed just bubbled up from so deep inside my wounded soul that it had nowhere else to go but out into the atmosphere. I only hope some of my joy fell on some down trodden people and picked them up for a minute or two. It had to have because I was so full I thought I would explode. I know my tandem instructor probably thought I was a crazy old lady, but who cares. I had the time of my life and will gladly do it all again. Any takers??

I didn’t know adrenaline was a drug, I was euphoric for a day and felt the crash after, but I also feel such a deep settled peace within my spirit like a breakthrough has definitely occurred. For the first time in a long time, I feel my feet firmly planted on a path and I will walk with surer steps now. Of course this is all a process of me becoming the woman God is calling me to me in spite of myself and stubborn inclinations. I know God did not say Renee jump out of a plane so we can get this party started. He knew the desires of my heart and used that and my faith in Him and His love for me to get my party started. Jumping was a big sign for me because I don’t do subtle hints too well. I think I may be a direct descendent of Thomas.  So God mingled with my wonderful adventurous self and brought me back to earth safely and placed me on His path.

I won’t recommend it as a means to jumpstart your life, we all have our own desires, but it sure worked for me and made me feel more alive than I have in such a long time. I am unafraid to step out and do things because I know my timing is in God’s hands. This is why the missionaries in those dark forests can do what they do for so long. They don’t fear death; they fear not doing what God had planned for their lives. Well healthy fear is a good thing. God gives us adventurous hearts for him and the world makes us afraid to use them. We have become overcautious an overprotective of this body God has given us. It is said our body is a temple of God we must keep it pure and healthy. Well this is true enough but we must also realize how portable it is. We can take it to far away places and not be a feared of walking in those places because God loves and protects what is His. I will over use mine for His glory and His intentions and never worry about the minor details of caution. I am bold as I was born and will use it for His glory. I don’t mean to say I will be stupid about it like jump out of an airplane without a parachute and expected a mighty hand to rescue me. I will not handle snakes or scorpions unless directed to and with the caution of my wonderful God created mind. I will not be reckless with myself, I will be wise about my life but I am totally unafraid to walk forward knowing my days are in His hands and I can do nothing about the timing. In His time all is made perfect.

There is a time for everything and my mourning has run the full gamut of the seasons. I am in summer and want to bask in the SON of summer as long as I can.  This is the breakthrough I intend to live in. I have time but it is His time. So cliché to live each day as if it is your last, but so true none the less.  I will push the envelope and make each day as fun and exciting as I can for me and those I come into contact with.  Joy rules and excessive laughing while falling 120 mph dries your mouth out by the way. Next time I will smile the whole way down maybe….. stay tuned, life is getting fun again.

Jumping into my Next Life

Many years ago I joined the Navy as my adventurous spirit over took me so I could see the world and do something different. I never regretted that decision and it led me to my life. Tomorrow I am doing the same thing, doing something I have wanted to do since I was a child and never had the opportunity until now. I am going to jump out of an airplane strapped to someone of course, but I have always wanted to skydive and will use this as a springboard to my new life I guess.

I have gotten many comments about how thrilling, how stupid how suicidal how inspiring but the simple fact is, I am doing it. I thought about my attitude towards it do I have a death wish someone asked me. I figure any day is a good day to die right? My attitude is this, if I die ok where is the downside to being in Heaven and seeing loved ones. If I live where is the downside to being here seeing loved ones? So it appears to be a win win for me. If I am somehow maimed there is a reason for everything and I will deal accordingly, God is in control of me I place myself in His arms and trust He gave me my adventurous spirit for a reason and I intend to use it. I am not about to purposely try to kill myself, I have a method to this madness and love my life enough to live it fully.

So this morning I sit and hear planes overhead, people jumping from planes all over, I am filled with excitement about tomorrow’s jump and my new life ahead of me, whatever that may be. I am concerned as a mom that my son is going with me, and I am covering him in prayer. I on the other hand am not worried about me one bit.Well that is a lie, I am concerned about how my wrinkled face will flap in the breeze on camera, you see they are filming it and a girl has to look her best even at 14,000 feet. Perhaps I should bring some duct tape, I am glad my flab will be covered with coveralls at least.  My mom and dad will be there too to experience this with me and for that I am so joyous. They mourned a bit when I left for Guam so many years ago, I don’t intend to give them any more reason to mourn, but to celebrate my life with me.

In the Star Trek shows (yes I am a Star Trek geek) Klingons say “It is a good day to die” true enough, but I also ascribe to the Vulcan philosophy and plan to “Live long and prosper.” See ya on the other side people! I love my life!!!

Swapping Paint

Well woof woof, yippee and hooray. I have disproved the saying “You can’t teach and old dog new tricks”.  I have learned and am continuing to learn so much at my work that I actually got a raise. I was also told learning new things increases your brain cells so I guess I am just moving on up by leaps and bounds. It really is pretty exciting for me since most people seem to be preparing for retirement at my age when I am just starting to work. I guess I will have to live to 100 to get retirement for me, but at least I am having fun and exceeding my expectations. God is so good to me because it can’t be me learning and adapting at this pace since it is an extremely face paced environment where I work but such a joy to be there.

I think my life may be starting to get interesting again. I can’t put my finger on it but I joined a singles Bible study and funny thing, we are learning to Cajun line dance. I know funny goofy but it is nice clean fun. Of course I only went to one teaching of it and feel like a klutz, but so does everyone else so I am in good company. Why is this in my life right now? Who knows who cares but it is good safe fun with nice people so I am expanding my circle of friends finally and that is good for me.  I am fortunate to be able to visit with my newlywed son and his beautiful bride next weekend when they come visit for their “baby moon” Yeah I know silly term for “Quiet before the storm” when little Steven Beau makes his appearance in August. I had so much fun shopping for him for his shower next weekend. He will be so spoiled.

I love meeting new people and interacting in their lives even if it is for a small amount of time.  It seems I am in process of doing this at my job and outside of it as my circle expands. I am emerging from my cloistered life as wife/mother/widow and making my way out into a new life. It is nice to “swap paint” with so many new people. I know that is usually not a good term because it means you may have been in a car accident but God had shown me a long time ago a small teaching about chance meetings being like small accidents/incidents/coincidences in our daily lives. We meet for a brief period of time and as we interact we swap stories, names, smiles, and even our pain that so much goes on in such a brief time, before we know it we leave a mark. This means that whatever chance encounter we had has the potential to be a memory for either or both or us forever. We are the canvas and God is always working in our lives, creating a living breathing work of art to display in His heavenly gallery. The more paint we have I think, the more interesting the artwork. So how fun is it to have so much more paint and texture in my life.  Wanna swap paint with me?

NEXT....

Well that was quite a wave I rode and I am finally at the other side of it I think. I suppose those idiot grief books have some wisdom to them although I must say, I do not agree with their timelines at all. I don’t want to wait so many years per year I was married to get over this. I want it all behind me now and I think I am doing great at it (today at least). I am dealing in spurts, as new experiences come up, I hit them head on, then I fall flat on my bottom dazed and confused yes birds floating about my head just like in the cartoons, but at least I am still conscious. TKO is the way to go, you look like you still are in the present but really you are in another world LA LA Land where the past is present and the present is present and it is hard pry them apart. It is where you see present circumstances but with distant eyes filled with what ifs and suppositions. Suppose Steve was still here how would things be? What if he was still alive and this was all a dream? Stupid ideas, I know, but it is all part of my brain, parceling out what I can handle in small amounts I guess.

I have just passed another big series of firsts and reality checks and am moving through the Game of Life yet again. Some days I feel like I am just a player on the board but other days I feel like the one playing the game.  I recently connected with an old friend from high school whom I hadn't seen since high school until I attended the funeral of her husband a few short months after moving back home. I offered her my shoulder and it wasn't until just recently when I needed her and she needed me that we saw each other again and decided we needed to form our own support group. It was so nice talking with her and spending time with someone who shares my heart. Most people only can offer a sympathetic ear or heartfelt hug, but we speak the same spoken and unspoken language and I perfectly understand her and the pain. It is such a God event in my life because one of my closest friends became my friend after she moved back home to Selma. I never knew her before, but we became connected through a mutual friend and we became fast friends. She had lost her husband only a few short months before I met her and although I felt her pain then I could never fully connect with her pain like I can now it is almost a different language because most of it is just a silent inner knowing. I bless God for giving her to me then because there are pains we can share with each other that are hard to share with others. So now I am now able to be that person in my high school friends’ life and I now have a Slidell connection and the widow circle grows. I am so glad God knows how to play it forward He goes before us to help us before we know we need it. I am so glad to have someone local to speak to since I have had to leave Selma to come back home. He knows.

I am amazed at how interconnected we are as the body of Christ and how complicated life is but I don’t have to worry so much about the details, God seems to go before me to work those out. For so many years I fought with Him about this, but now it is just easier on me to let Him work it out. I will always be obstinate and have my bullish moments, but He always wins. I sometimes wonder if I have given up on my own life and am just flowing along in denial and then I do something stupid and realize I am still in the struggle for control. My flesh just won’t die like I want it to and that is when I mourn the most and it is when I start to focus on my misery (yes I will say self pity) again, that is when I get new revelation to get out and focus on someone else. I am there again, anyone need help??? I am so available right now.

Anyway, I am confessing to myself with all two of you as my witnesses that I really am still mourning, but I can no longer allow it to consume my identity. I am not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to move on. Yes I know you have heard it, but it is like in church when you hear a reading over and over and you only get it when revelation hits you. Then it is like brand new to you? Well this is my recent revelation I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t care what I think of me, I am moving on physically and spiritually and my emotions will just have to play catch up. Sometimes they get in my way, but really I need to move to the next level because I am so bored with this one that I am no longer learning. It is another season. NEXT….

Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Sunflowers

You know Chocolate is my first true love when I am not at my best but I will tell you my next sinful comfort food is a big hunk of chunky peanut butter on a spoon affectionately called my Peanut Butter Spoon. Both Chocolate and Peanut butter go great together we all know that, but did you know they taste pretty good with a cold beer? Ha I bet you think I have gone to the dark side, no, it just surprised me how well they went together.

Now back to the main reason for my blogging today. I have a birthday coming up, and I have nothing special planned and really don’t care whether I do something or not. I am back to being numb again. Nothing seems to taste good, feel good or look good to me. Is it depression nagging me again? You bet it is, but I will deal again as I usually do. I mean no offense to my very married family, but I am used to being in a married state whether hanging with family or not. It never bothered me until now when I am feeling so alone again. My mind is adapting to being single and all that encompasses and I’m really bored, lonely and not ready for this. I am still fighting anger. I want to rage and hit something again so really I am not good company even for myself. However in the midst of all of this blah I planted sunflowers at various places throughout our yard. I don’t remember where I planted any of them; I just want to be surprised when they sprout up. I am fighting darkness with light the most fun way I know how. Sunflowers are my favorite flowers and I am waiting for my army to grow. I hope they grow quick and tall. I chose to plant the biggest ones I know the Mammoth’s I had grown once before. I need tall flowers because they will be much bigger than any of those small shadows chasing me.

I guess it was inevitable that as I tested the new waters of keeping company that I would be reeling again. I will do what I always do to test the water, dip my toes, recoil quickly, shiver, back up, suck it lots of air to nearly hyperventilate then I jump in. There is minimal pain in the recoil, mostly fear, but jumping requires overcoming the fear of the icy water and feeling the shock again of hitting that icy water after I jump in.  There are days when I want to feel pain, yes to feel anything is good.  I am also being bombarded by all those negative thoughts again, not that I will act on any of them. I am really becoming very empathetic towards people who succumb to these awful nagging voices in my head.

I am blogging it all out on paper and in public, but by tomorrow I will probably be ok again or maybe not until the day after. The shadows of darkness and depression buzz constantly throughout my brain but I don’t really see them until I slow down.  This depression is just something I have started to learn to live with over the last 18 months. I pray it doesn’t get bigger and am praying and trusting God will keep it from me. But just so others you all may know, I know God loves me, but it still doesn’t stop those voices. The big voice within me does only if I stop entertaining them. The fascination in picking a wound to feel the pain brings my back to childhood. I picked my scabs to see if my sore was healing but picking the scab made it hurt worse. Finally you stop the picking and reach for the antibiotic cream. I never said I was a very smart kid, very curious and didn’t like surprises.

So  right now, I am waiting for my sunflowers to shoot up and grow and keeping company with my chocolate and peanut butter. I am waiting for my joy to burst forth once again and what makes me ahead of the game is that I know it will happen again. The sun always burns the clouds away because it can’t always be rainy. But with all the rain those flowers will bloom and grow tall and this will bring my joy again. Once again I repeat my mantra that which doesn’t kill me makes me strong.

Stormy Weather

There are days you just feel stupid, alone and just plain naive. I thought naming something meant what I meant it to be and not anything deeper, but it didn't happen that way. I got tangled in my own miscommunication with my gentleman friend whom I was keeping company with. Yes that is what I called it but as it goes that was not the case. Things didn't go the way I had hoped and emotions got in the way and we have now parted ways. Hopefully we will remain friends, but I am too much of a hot mess to be able to be trying to have a relationship deeper than friendship right now. Heck I missed so many signals and I hurt him pretty bad and for that reason, I need to be alone. In my search for companionship I end up alone again. Funny thing is, I thought one way and he thought another. Heck it was so easy with Steve because he knew what I was thinking before I even knew and the same goes the other way. We knew each other and it was easier.
Back to the couch for me. I enjoyed the experience of getting out, getting to know someone and experiencing more firsts in my new life. It was an old, new experience. I am finding it harder to be upbeat these days though I get so down on myself for missing things I should know or learning new tricks or meeting new people even. I go to work, keep my head down and hope for the best. I am blessed to have my job and blessed to have my family to keep me busy because I am scared to admit this but I can see how a person could get so depressed and find other pursuits to dull the pain. I say this as I drink a beer alone and blog about my life today. How cliche is that.
I say pain, well it is probably more like a bad ache now, it is not as acute as at first, I live with it. There are days like when the weather in my life turns bad where the pain flares up and throbs and aches so deeply within and I can't really pin point a place of origin. The place of origin though is my heart so why does it feel as though my whole body aches. It sneaks up on you and you just never know how hard it will throb or for how long. Once the weather passes it abates, but never really goes away. I wonder if it ever does? It is just below the surface waiting to attack when I seem to be moving on. I guess I am in a stormy weather pattern right now looking for a sunny day again.
Does anyone out there in Blogville know if pain ever goes away for good? I know it will when I die (Yes I have had the thought a time or two), but is that the only way to kill the pain? If it is I guess I will have to live with it.I wish my kids lived closer to me, you would think spending time with them all looking so much like Steve that the pain you would be harder to deal with but actually it is comforting to be around them. We created a beautiful family together and their joy lifts my spirits so much.
 Right now I feel as though I am walking in a bubble again. I started to feel somethings not normal for me, and got scared so I am processing those feelings to discern if I am OK. I won't blog them out because they are personal, but they do have to do with the big Dating word I was so frightened of. I think I almost dated and got scared. A friend flat out told me I was dating and I really couldn't handle that. It made me feel so ashamed and unfaithful. I am positive when I say I am not ready, but I am closer than I was a few months ago, so that is progress. And I have my gentleman friend to thank for being so kind and patient. I hate that my craziness may have hurt him even though I gave him fair warning, it still feels bad.
So I am spinning my wheels again, same situation, learning slowly, going in and out of waves. Learning about being alone again and trying to find the benefits of it. God is still in control even though I am now trying to take the reigns again, I found out that is not a smart idea. Drive on Lord, where we going now. Steer me free of the stormy weather and into the sunny days again.

The Halfway House

Ok so last week was my release from the hospital and I found out this week I am not totally free yet, I am in a halfway house. Go figure. God what is up with this? I believed I was free and moving on and this weekend, just one weekend beyond my resurrection I find myself knocked over by a serious rogue wave.

I had been looking forward to this weekend for quite some time, I was supposed to be camping with my daughter and a friend of hers who will be graduating and moving back north next month. We wanted to have a nice girl’s weekend camping and talking which is what we all do best anyway. My first clue things had gone sideways was the rain predicted for Saturday calling off the camping part of our trip. We decided to stay at Mary's since the whole purpose was to get together anyway so camping  (indoors) was still on.My second clue this weekend was turning was my having to stop off to pay my respects to a family friend (younger than me) whose wife passed away from cancer. Now you might remember this was not my first funeral since, but it did involve someone special to our family. I went in strong, thinking I could offer condolences and support and figuring I had this covered but I should not have gone in alone probably.

Things were fine at first as we chatted with another friend and his wife offering their support and laughing about times past.  It was when our friend started talking about not sleeping and finally sleeping in the bed and other things that my knees started to give way. My legs started to shake and then my head started spinning. I felt like a deer in headlights and I had to run, get as far away as possible so this would not become about me. I said my good byes, and think I told him it was still too fresh for me so maybe he understood why I was there so brief a time, but I had to get out of there quick. I know he won’t remember so maybe that will be a saving grace.

The floodgates burst as soon as I closed my car door, and I was safe and I allowed the bomb of tears to explode in a protected area. The drive to Mobile started off awful as well. I got stuck in a traffic jam just as I got onto the interstate to head to Mobile. Everything in me wanted to go faster and run, but I had to creep at a snail’s pace and couldn’t run at all. I had to deal with it all ever so slowly in the confines of my car and I was feeling very claustrophobic. I wanted to be outside, screaming, outside running or outside hitting on something. I was having a temper tantrum and perhaps a panic attack. I did talk on the phone to my sister for part of it but mostly I had to deal with it. No one could really talk it through with me, it was something I had to do alone. With loud music might I add.

Finally the traffic broke after 45 minutes and I could drive faster towards my very energetic funny daughter. I was looking forward to the distraction of her love and joy again. I got to her house and could only take a nap, I was worn out, but she was sweet and allowed me the time to get it together so we could go out and have fun. She did take a picture of me power napping and usually I am very alert, but didn’t hear that coming. I fell into a quick deep sleep. We went to pick up Mary’s friend Marge, and while there I got a call from Steve’s truck driver friend who I had dinner with a few months back. He was coming through Slidell and wanted to see me, but I told him where I was and he said well that is where I am spending the night so we arranged to pick him up and bring him out to dinner with us. It was all fun and the bum picked up our tab. I say bum because I informed him I would be doing it this time, and he said no because Steve never allowed him to buy dinner for him, so he was paying Steve back for all those times. I was glad Mary got to see him and thank him for getting the rest of Steve’s things back for her. He is the friend who got the blanket and special shirt she wanted back for her and he took a lot of time and trouble to make sure we got those things back.  

All throughout the night we reminisced about Steve and the silly things Steve did with each of us with each girl recounting different memories of Mr. Steve. As much as I loved that they had such fond memories it became such an in my face weekend about dealing with grief again. If I were truly in a halfway house I guess it would be considered a therapy session. It was not the fun care free weekend I wanted, but it was the work weekend I may have needed? What I did learn this weekend is that I am only half way in my process and I thought I was further on. It really feels like I am further along than a year and a half doesn't it? It has been such a long time since I have missed Steve this bad and it hurts. The anesthesia of shock and grief is wearing off perhaps and I am feeling again yes feeling like pins and needles. I was walking along, enjoying the sunshine and a hole swallowed me up. I can see the sun, but the work I need to do to get out of this hole is exhausting me. I need help, Lord, your help please??? You got my back right, let’s get this over again. Sigh.

Ressurection Sunday

Ok so my life has been nothing if not seasonal so I am presently in the Easter season right? I am a week behind resurrection Sunday but I am technically in the correct season for the breakthrough I felt in my life this past weekend. The week leading up to my Easter Sunday (Yes a week behind everyone else) I would call it hell week. I had no sleep and could not even focus I was having so much anxiety about moving on with my life. I think I sweated blood and water a night or two if not in reality, spiritually because it sure felt like it. It had to be the worst sleeping week of this past year of grieving which was precipitated by my spending time with a male friend moving on with life. The anx I suffered and the dreams I had were pretty real, and all dealing with my emotions.

 I had an urge to call Steve this weekend to tell him about my life and the new “friend” I had to keep company with.  When I came back to my senses after the shock of realizing the insanity of that thought I began to feel very unfaithful, and shame crept in again. How do you wrap your head around all of this? Well as I sorted through it during my retreat on Saturday at a local church and I began to realize how normal that thought really was. Steve was nothing if not my best friend whom I shared every little thing with good and bad so yes it was natural for me to want to share some news with him. The subject matter probably was less about sharing with Steve and more about my feelings of acceptance and seeing growth within me. Perhaps I was processing on another level this widow/single status I am in and moved an inch closer to believing it.

I had the most perfect day on Sunday when my friend and I went to the French Quarter Festival in New Orleans.  Our day began with me attending church with him and his sister and that is when I began to feel things begin to slide off of me.  After church we rode with the top down in his convertible on the most glorious day the Lord could ever give for my resurrection Sunday.  As the wind whipped my hair around and I had no desire to worry about how it looked, I felt a spiritual breaking and a freedom that I hadn’t been living in for quite some time. As we leisurely walked the streets, taking in the music and wonderful food, I knew a new level in my healing was happening this day. I couldn’t put it to words, but I felt it deeply as I soaked in the music, tasted the food, enjoyed the company of a sweet male companion and basked in the beauty of the most perfect day I had experienced in such a long time. My senses came alive again and I felt released from the shackles of grief and felt a new chapter beginning in my life.

 It was a delight to feel the comfortable feeling of joy and peace rise up in me as the wind rushed through my hair while we sped down the freeway back toward home at the end of a lovely spring day. I was free and I was happy. I didn’t realize how good it felt to breathe again and to see people again without the pall of grief tainting everything I saw, heard or touched. The numbness was beginning to wear off and I was able to feel young and free again and revel in the exciting new things ahead. The most amazing thing to me is how much I enjoyed feeling safe and comfortable in the company of my male companion.  We are still not dating but I enjoy keeping company with him. I am so anxious to experience life and I believe my life is just getting interesting again and I can’t wait to live it.

I still have a ways to go, but at least the hospital doors are open wide and I am on the other side heading to my life again. I felt hope surface in me again, the hope the priest on my retreat spoke about on Saturday. The hope that Jesus gave when He was resurrected. He went before me to prepare my way and He was with me during my time in the tomb but Sunday was my day to arise and I am so glad to be living my life again. I cast off my grave clothes and take back my life. I think I will have some fun again and I will let you in on some of it wink, wink .(A girl has to have some secrets you know).

Keeping Company

I should be sleeping but my mind won’t shut down. I have work tomorrow and a busy weekend ahead again. I am enjoying staying busy but this new lifestyle change sure takes some getting used to. I have been at work past my probation period so this is a good thing. I have a job.   My circle is opening and I am meeting new people.  I have been talking with the man who bought me the carrot cake and bug spray nearly every night and we have gone a few places together and  hope it continues, so why all the crazy dreams lately? Why all the overanalyzing?

I try to keep busy so I don’t think so now my brain is rebelling and I am processing my life in my dreams. I don’t recognize myself at all these days. My friend says I’m dating and I quickly let her know I am not dating that I am keeping company and there is a difference. My brain refuses to accept the dating term yet so that could be reason for some nightmares. In all of my dreams, most of them are of betrayal and pain yes me causing Steve pain and betraying him by being happy. How stupid but yes, I do wonder if I am starting too soon and not fully healed yet or just scared of the whole process of that darned d word my friends keep throwing at me. I really am just keeping company with a male companion dating is for younger people.

I forgot about the "firsts" also. I had let out a sigh of relief after Mathu's wedding thinking pretty much they were all over.  Well on one of out outings we danced a slow dance which was another "first" and boy did I get hit with a tidal wave as I realize I had just stepped off into more "firsts". Just being alone with him I seem to always feel like I am sneaking around. I haven’t been forthright with my kids either, well not all of them at least.  I don’t want to hurt them or quite honestly listen to the teasing. I really am trying to be smart about all of this so my brain can take it all in and process it so my emotions can play catch up. I feel as though every time we go out some sort of "first" plays out so when I go home, my mind processes and lets me know how I should feel. I am usually too shell shocked to feel anything so I am on a delayed time switch. More like a deer in headlights! By the next time we see each other I am back to normal feeling good about moving forward. I eventually want to be in the same time zone as him instead of experiencing everything from a distance.

 I do hope my male friend is as true as he seems to be and doesn’t abandon this psycho woman with nightmares and bouts of emotions that could put PMS to shame.  I seem to judge myself the harshest. I feel as though I am being unfaithful. Could this that the residue from so many years of being with the same person? Or is our bond so strong, it can’t be broken? I tend to over think things when all I really just want to have some fun and not be lonely. I guess for now I will continue to move forward and practice being unfaithful so I can move past the pain. Steve loved me and wanted me to be happy and he always said he hoped I would find someone else if something happened to him. I said the same words to him, but never really felt them earnestly. I didn’t want him with anyone but me and I am sure he must have felt the same way, right?

So I will keep company for now, see what happens and ride this crazy train all the way down the road. My life is such a ride and it is going much faster than I would like. I feel like I am doing the Time Warp. Yeah Rocky Horror if only my nightmares could be as ridiculous and fun.

Carrot cake and Bug Spray

 I was going to write a few pages to the beginning of my novel so my teacher can read it and correct it for me, but as I wrote it I started to shake again. Of course my life and the experience of Steve’s death sounds like an idea for a novel, but reliving the emotional pain I have tried so hard not to revisit for 17 months proved difficult. I even tried to reread some of my blogs and of course that also proved more painful than I wanted right now. I want to avoid feeling that pain again and have been running away from it. Do I need to confront it? I personally don’t think it needs to be revisited yet. I will have to develop another fantasy world for a novel; reality is too real right now. So I wrote it anyway just to have it on paper. I want it down on paper so I my kids will know some things about me. That task is checked off.

Work is going great and I think I am doing a good job. I have to say I am proud of all I have learned and am still so grateful to have a job. I am blessed. I went to the St. Patricks Parade with my family and my girlfriend came as well with her husband. As we were leaving the parade she had seen her brother there with his wife and a friend and she was speaking with them and I found myself flirting(Yes me go figure, it was still there somewhere buried) with the friend. Now I know it was the green Margaritas that probably got me to go there because I have been so guarded and protective but yes I opened that door and even swapped phone numbers. I find this hilarious because I had not done anything like that in well over 30 years and it just popped out. Truth is, when he said his name was anything other than Steve, I just went with it. How ridiculous is that.

My friend was shocked and awed as was I when I got back to the crawfish table. She only looked at me mouth wide open then said “Well? Do you wanna tell me something? What was that?” Pretty much all I could say was “Hey he isn’t a Steve.” I just played it off knowing it probably would not go anywhere. I had all but forgotten about it until while driving home from work the following Thursday I got a text from that strange number apologizing for not getting back with me. (Yes I texted him after the parade to ask if he was coming to the concert after since we had spoke about it during out mini meet and greet.) He said something about getting a new phone and learning how to use it. Whatever. We texted for awhile while I drove home another daring stupid thing I know.(I seem to be living for my bucket list events and trying to be edgy.)

He called me when I told him I was texting and driving since talking on the phone and driving is so much safer and we had an awkward conversation. I am so not used to this stuff but decided to roll with it anyway. What harm could it do? When I got home I sat in the driveway and talked for a few more minutes before hanging up to go get some much needed food. He told me if I was bored later to call. So I got bored later and texted. It was fun talking with a new friend we both are in the same boat, moving back to town moving in with family relearning the place we grew up in. He asked to take me for a drive in his convertible on Sunday and I said sure. It is the closest thing to a motorcycle, right? Those plans didn’t work out. We spent a day texting and talking and he asked me out for a Margarita after work which I accepted only if I could have some food to go with it. I have a bad tendency not to eat during the day and I knew that could be bad for me in oh so many ways.

The night came and I kid you not I wanted to back out. I felt so scared and stupid I imagine much like I will feel when I jump out of my airplane one day to sky dive. The thrill, and fear all jumbled together causing me to be an absolute mess. My friend didn’t talk me out of it but we did make an escape plan so I could go home early if I needed to and wouldn't appear rude. The plan was that I would text her a help msg when I took a bathroom break so she could call me back after I got back to the table and I would have to leave. I had seen it in a movie once and it worked there. I was serious. I was so nervous and it was obvious I think because he kept asking if I was scared. The dinner turned out nice and I didn’t have to text her. It was difficult to talk in the restaurant so we left and went to a little daiquiri bar near the store I needed to shop at afterwards so I killed two birds with one stone so to speak.

We had some nice conversation and I even had a cat wander up and jump in my lap. That was pretty random and interesting but he was a friendly cat probably owned the bar. It was fast closing in on my bedtime so  I asked him if he wanted to walk over and get the mosquito spray I needed for my canoe trip this weekend and he walked me over there. I think mostly to be chivalrous so I wouldn’t walk alone, but it was nice anyway to see that. While we were in the store he said he wanted to buy me something and said that I would love it. We go to the bakery isle and he proceeds to pick up this yummy looking carrot cake. He was so cute because he was so excited about this carrot cake and well no one has ever bought me a carrot cake before. I was laughing inside. He would not allow me to pay for my bug spray either, which was sweet but not what I wanted since this wasn’t a date or anything. I just let it go and thanked him and let that be ok. No one has ever bought me bug spray and carrot cake all in one night either. I know there is a country song  there in the making.

We parted ways, I was no longer the nervous wreck, still nervous but the wreck part was over. I jumped the shark and I am on my way to another wave of healing and living. I got the best advice from my daughter “take it very very slow, mom” I believe she is right, but I took another step (stumble) forward and here I go again. We are talking on the phone a lot and I was just pleased he wanted to talk to me again much less ask me to go somewhere with him this weekend since I seemed like such a bumbling idot to myself. I guess we can keep each other company. That pretty much is what I was going for, right? To get to know people and keep busy.

Gotta run, I have carrot cake calling to me and a canoe trip in the morning. Life is moving ahead again and once again I find myself seasonably connected to my healing process. Spring brings new life and as scary as that prospect is, I am pretty daring right now. I may get up in that airplane sooner than later. Life is short and my bucket list is too long. I have to start checking things off.