He has Risen, so must I

I am ashamed to say this Holy Week that the tears I shed are mostly for me and the sadness I hold in my heart at not having Steve here. I cannot imagine Mary, mother of Jesus, the pain you suffered at the torture and death of your son. You witnessed His death and the events leading up to that awful day so many years ago, and try as I may, I still cannot imagine the immensity of your suffering and grief and truth be told, I don’t want to. I feel shallow because my tears and suffering are so small in comparison to yours yet here I sit, trying to put on a happy face for the world to see, but I am sad within. I know you had inner peace, but how long did you mourn, really? I know you were the mother of God, but you were fully human and I know you had some emotions other than the artist renditions of you through the ages. I know you had to have screamed; you had to have fallen into some form of depression after everyone withdrew from you to allow you your time of grief.

Jesus arose three days after and because of that I am able to say I will see Steve again and I have hope. Is this where you found your peace too after He ascended into Heaven and left you again? Did you spend your days waiting to see Him again and did you ever second guess if it was all real and did all that really happen? Did you wonder what was to come of you now? Where you would live or what you would do? I know you were human and you probably did, so I take consolation in knowing, nothing is new under the sun. My feelings have been felt by others all through the ages. I am not special in that, I am just a small part of this world so I am at peace, yet I am in pain. Can I be both?

I have had the grace of peace that passes understanding throughout this ordeal, but some days that peace tends to lose its intensity and I find I sometimes forget the feel of it as I trudge through my emotions today. It is funny how I can go along doing fine and feeling extreme joy and peace and I get tripped up by a thought or memory. I really don’t dwell on it, but I can’t ignore it since I am face down on the floor. It is so easy to stay down once you are already there, but thank God that is when you see how dirty it is down there and you force yourself to get up and start cleaning again. Life is an effort and I am blessed to be able to get through it all without medication and to be as hopeful as I am. It is only by the grace of God and though I blog my down days more than my up days, I am healing well and feeling better about all of this. I just honestly have to say, it is not all good days.

I am reminded this Holy Week, that my worst day was not even close to the worse day in the life of Mary. I am so blessed and I want to say I take comfort as I bind my pain to the pain of Jesus and Mary this week of Holy Week. I embrace my pain as Jesus embraced His cross keeping His eye on God and trusting His Father always. I embrace the faith and trust that Mary had to believe that God had a bigger and better plan. I know the end of the story, Mary didn’t and I know Jesus rose and suffered so we could all live eternally in Heaven one day. This is the hope I embrace on this somber day and this keeps me going through the rough patches. Just because I am a follower of Christ doesn’t mean I won’t have some rough days. I know Jesus fell more than three times on His way to be crucified, and He got back up every time. He could have just lain there, but He kept picking Himself up for the hope of all mankind. I am surely not better than my Jesus so I am not entitled to stay down even though it feels so good. I know it is the rising that sets us free and makes us strong.  It’s been a rough week but I see Easter coming!  Because He has risen so must I.  Alleluia!

Foggy Bottom

Believe it or not I did not wake this morning knowing the date, I was reminded later in the day. I did wake, however, feeling I was missing something. I felt a bit teary, a bit sorry for myself and just out of sorts, not me today. It was later when I realized today is 6 months A.S. in my life and another wave of emotions hit. I allowed myself to sit, and think about my circumstances mostly Steve. I think I can no longer deny it, I am in this alone from here on out. He really isn’t coming back. I have said that a few times in the past, but my wonderful mind never truly allowed me to dwell in dark places for long. Today I looked it in the eye for the longest time in six months and it hurt, bad, but I was not throwing myself off the bridge bad.

I guess another piece of my mind has assimilated the information and another day of healing has come and is nearly over. Who would have known it could be so layered. It sounds bad, but I haven’t given much thought to the absence of Steve for a couple of months. I have been so focused on me and moving on and a few times it was business as usual visiting with family and friends. It was never the absence of Steve I missed, because I always knew he was a phone call away and not too far from the house if I truly needed him. It is the finality of knowing this is it and my body/mind has not adjusted to this new routine yet. I have kept the daily routine of talking to him daily but never get to hear his voice except on the answering machine where his last saved message is. I have listened to that quite a bit today. I don’t want to let go of that routine yet, it brings me comfort. I am afraid I will forget him if I stop talking to him. What is this stage I am in? There is no definition but to say mully grubs or perhaps the Foggy Bottom who cares anyway. It just is.

My darling I miss you I feel bad our routine was so different over the last few years and you were missing from my life quite a bit. I got familiar with your absence and I don’t want to be familiar with it anymore. I want you here with me. Life is so boring without you and I don’t have anyone to share with like we used to share.  It is selfish of me to want you back so much because I know you are in a much better place than I am. I am excited to start over, but hate doing it without you. It really is quite exhausting thinking of all I have to do by myself.  I need a break from this yet I can’t tarry, I must get on with my life and that is the sad fact of life. I can’t wallow; I grieve in spurts and wish I could be past all of this already.

This first year after losing you it seems that no matter how I try to ignore things, they are going to be addressed aren’t they? I feel like I am in a rock tumbler right now. So I give in to all the emotion I have for now, and tomorrow I will move on again. I just wanted you to know my love, I miss you more and more every day and I will never stop loving you. I am okay and will be better the day I get to see you again in Heaven.   You will be glad to know, Steve, I can get along without you, but it is not nearly so fun or interesting. You brought me so much joy, and yes pain too, but it was what kept me strong and kept us going. I love you, darling. Thank you for helping me to grow and become the strong person I am today. Looking forward to the day we see each other again, my love.

Waving Palm Sunday

You know Tuesday marks another milestone for me six months A.S. It is sometimes hard to believe it has been that long and then I still think more often than not, is this real? I have had an awful morning today thinking of Steve cursing him, wanting him so much to be here to help me with this stupid house stuff. I need his knowledge. I am operating in my less gifted areas (sales and math) and feel it is perhaps my fault somehow the two nibbles I had on my house mid week, fell through. I feel so rejected and bummed and as nice as it is to say turn to God, He can’t hold my head as I cry into an invisible shoulder. I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but I am used to having Steve to cry to and comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. So yes I am on a wave today.

It is Palm Sunday so I attended 11:00 service this Sunday morning instead of my more usual 5:30pm on Saturday nights. As we prayed and the priest blessed the palms, I watched the kids waving their palms at each other, tickling and just bringing back memories of our own palm wars. Many times we had to snatch them from the kids during service. It was and still is, such a temptation to play on such a serious day. This was one of the longest gospel readings of the year and those palms were such a welcome distraction for bored children everywhere. Of course my precious children eventually grew out of this stage and listened and participated sometime later in their adolescent years. But yes every child goes through a palm waving, tickling swordfighting stage in life and it was fun to think back on those days this morning. I was as much distracted by enjoying the children as they were in aggravating people with their palms.

I saw a woman there I knew who I know my two younger kids remember fondly, she was their Sunday school teacher. We got to talking and I found out she had lost her husband 2 weeks after my Steve. I had no idea that the world was still spinning after Steve and felt betrayed by my spaciness to have not known this news. She too, apologized for not getting around to me, so we both forgave and then had a nice support group time in the parking lot. Her husband died suddenly too and he also was gone a lot. We have much in common, except she does have a nine year old child whereas mine are grown.

We marveled at how God has gotten us through so much and how He has taken care of us during the worst time in our lives. And we shared secret losses that only a grieving spouse understands, like the loss of physical comfort from our husbands. That loss of security we grew to depend on so much. We shared about our “is it real” moments, our “am I doing this right?” moments and the loss of people in our lives who don’t know what to say to us. We spoke of those awkward people who ignore you because they feel so awful about not reaching out to us or keeping up the contact after the funerals were over. We also acknowledged how much we have to be grateful for. So it was very cathartic to go to church to find a widow my own age. The age part meaning in time of grieving not actual age because she is 10 years my junior.

So what they say is true, I guess, we are social beings and it is best to stay connected through a church group, a support group, family or friends. It is important to get back into the saddle as soon as possible, but it is also normal to ride a wave from time to time, even on Palm Sunday. I suppose this Holy week will be more emotional than normal, hopefully people will know I am crying in great thanksgiving for all Jesus has done for me and not still grieving Steve as much. I always cry during this week people so I guess Holy Week is always a wavy week, I just never focused on the mourning part of this week until this year. We are supposed to grieve our sins that caused such pain to our Savior but this year I know what grief is and this may actually enhance my Holy Week experience. I suppose it has always been about me feeling overwhelming gratitude for what my savior did for me. Maybe this year I can couple that with my real experience of grief and get the tears that heal flowing. I can never get enough healing. Because of the awfulness of this year, I love you more Lord and I hope next year to be able to say the same.  Thank you for this week and your ultimate sacrifice for me.

2011 A.S.

I will be having a grandson later this year and was out shopping for something for him. I came across several outfits and was drawn to one that of course had a baseball theme and it said “Grandpa’s little slugger” on it. I guess it hit a tender spot again because I started crying in the store. I wrestled with myself about buying it because who knows maybe he is Steve’s little slugger. It just hit me again, this whole grandparent single thing again and it still hurts me to know our grandchildren will not know their grandfather.

I visited a friend this weekend and attended her church and the pastor came out to speak after the service. I was startled that he called me by name as I turned to see him chasing me down while walking to her car. I know my friend has brought my name up for prayer but it was so touching to know strangers/friends were praying for me. I also noticed after he said I am sorry to hear about your husband, I responded “It’s okay”. It was such a routine and patterned response to keep him comfortable and perhaps keep us from going there in conversation. I find myself reflecting a lot this morning about my responses. I notice I will speak about Steve through memories or what his response would be but if someone tries to take our conversation to the day he died, I either speak quickly about him or change the subject.

I suppose this is to protect me from feeling the pain of that day again. Our memories are good (I ignore the bad ones) so I try to be positive and only think the good thoughts. I also noticed on my last visit home, I fell into the same patterns of just being home for a visit as if nothing has changed in my life. I caught myself thinking “Now something is different here and reminded myself I could not go to my room and call Steve.  The thoughts are like when you wake up from a dream and are trying to call it back to your mind to remember it.   There are days I forget he is gone for good. I can’t believe I still have those thoughts. We have never been separated this long and maybe that is why it is hitting now? I don’t know or care I just know my pattern of thinking about him is still here and I will probably never forgive myself the day it ends if it ever does. I still think of him as I shop and make any decisions and miss my accountability partner. I have got to get used to these new patterns in my life.

I am so grateful for all the healing I have had, I am so hopeful for the day when it is not so tender. I have a scar on my lip from surgery last year and it is still numb in places. I suppose this scar on my heart is pretty much the same way. I look forward to the day when they will be so minor I will be hard pressed to see the faded scars. I will remember 2010 as the year of surgery and 2011 as the first year of recovery. Like Katrina is a life altering event in Louisiana’s life, I have my own life altering year marking time in my life. Never thought I needed one of those. 2011 AS (after Steve)

Stumbling Profound

Yesterday I was rambling on the social network I love to ramble on most, about picking up sticks in my yard from the previous night’s big thunderstorm. I said “when the storms of life throw sticks at you, make a bonfire.  I love bonfires they kinda show the darkness whose boss”.  A friend liked the part about the bonfire and quoted me. I laughed and joked about being quoted but really learned something. Sometimes we just stumble into those profound and teachable moments, when you are being snarky and God is being serious with you.

Jesus used parables to teach the people, so simple minded people like me could learn from our own experiences. I really don’t know about tending sheep  or vineyards, but I do know about my prayer dog Millie and the comfort of a bonfire, things experiential to me and other dog lovers or pyromaniacs. I awoke this morning with my newfound parable on my mind and knew God was schooling me again. I have been to many healing services where burning of a bad memory or burning a sin we wanted purged from our life, was the last thing we did after much contemplation.

Yes Jesus used storms and boats; He used storms and my little old house on me. We had a serious loud storm a few nights ago. The weathermen were all telling us about expected tornadic activity, basically preparing us, but also scaring some.  I was unafraid for I know who my protector is and also know if I die, it is in God’s perfect timing for my life and I will go to a better place. I was not frightened in the shelter of my house with Millie my prayer dog, and we went to bed after the power went out and slept through the storm. The next morning my yard was littered with sticks and turned over empty flower pots. I could tell something had happened, but no downed trees or anything serious. I thanked God for his protection and proceeded to pick up the sticks.

The lesson started coming to me then, storms are a force of nature and a fact of life and we are bound to have them in our lives. Those huge trees have no other way to remove the dead branches high up in the tops of them but to have a good shaking from a mighty storm. There are many times I have had storms in my life and God has shaken the lesson out of it to make me healthier and help me to stand up taller. It is usually while I am cleaning up after the storm that I receive the lesson and the blessing. I remove the sticks so they are no longer stumbling blocks in my life and will not tear up my lawnmower. In turn they become fuel for the biggest bonfire I can make of them.

Bonfires really do show the darkness whose boss. After Steve’s death, we had a bonfire every night and I believe most of the healing in my family was done that week. We had each other and perhaps it was the longest wake I have ever been a part of. For that week we shared stories of Steve in all of our lives, we shared our pain, we shared secrets kept hidden and we thanked God we had that opportunity to grieve together. We showed the darkness which could have robbed us with much despair and overwhelming grief who was the boss. Near the end of the week we were running low on fuel for the fire and the boys actually went seeking dead trees and branches, firewood. So you see how the healing kept going, by searching for dead wood to feed the fire to keep the darkness from us. Pretty profound lesson I stumbled upon, huh?

Just like the deadwood in my yard, lessons are everywhere and the more we look the bigger the fire and the longer it burns. I want my fire to stay stoked and burning for a long time because I am not a big fan of the dark unless the moon is full and the sky is loaded with stars. Coincidentally it was that way most of the week we bonfired together after my husband's death. So I guess you can quote me, but really you are quoting my creator who is still out there creating new ways to teach me much needed lessons. Everyday I learn but most days I don't realize it.

The Do Over

I am fifty years old and am standing at the same doors of life I stood years ago when I graduated from Salmen High School in Slidell Louisiana. What will I do with my life now? Where will I go what will I do? So many years and experiences have passed since that day so many years ago. I am wondering now what my dreams were back then. I know one was to travel around the world, so I joined the Navy. I figured it was a good place to start and it provided me a job too and a bit of adventure. More than had I stayed home I think.

Another dream was to find a husband eventually and get married and have a family.  I wasn’t looking mind you, but Steve showed up out of nowhere and stole my heart and that put an end to my traveling abroad. We mostly traveled in California, Louisiana and settled here in Alabama but Steve and I did make it to Ireland in 2009.  I love my family and loved my life with Steve, well most of it at least. We had ups and downs like most marriages, but our love remained through it all. I lost him 6 months ago and here I stand, again asking myself what will I do with my life. I have just watched two movies about what these men’s lives would have been like if they had chosen their first path and of course that path turned out to have been the best choice all along. I might have altered my path a bit, but I do not regret it at all and feel my first path equal to this second “Do Over” path.

I am blessed to have so many life experiences behind me and also to have such wonderful family support. My girlfriends have pushed my confidence level to new highs and I now feel so young and hopeful not depressed and worthless. I will probably make better choices at least I hope I will. Years ago I made choices and didn’t consult with God to see if they were in His plans for my life. I think because I wanted to travel, He wanted me to travel and was in process of giving me my heart’s desire. It was my choice to fall in love and marry Steve putting those plans on permanent hold. Don’t get me wrong, my choice was covered by God and I am glad of that choice because I would never have had my wonderful perfect (mom’s viewpoint) children. I am saying God took my choice and cleaned it up for me; He polished it so now we shine brightly for all to see. I never consider that choice a mistake, just a side step. I had my cake and got to eat it too.

I am now back on that path I left so many years ago, well sort of. I have to sell my house first so I can return to Slidell to step on the golden pathway of my wonderful new life.  (Whew sounds like a country song.) I am sure my house sale is also in God’s perfect timing for my life. I am just so blessed to have a “Do Over”. This time wanting to find a husband isn’t a pressing matter for me,  well  it is not even a matter for me at all.  I just have to find a job to find the money to travel now. Some have suggested writing a book.  Who reads books anymore?  I will just blog about it now from wherever in the world I happen to be. Isn’t it funny, me talking about such big plans? It’s okay, I’m not crazy, just hopeful. Without this hope I would not be here so let me indulge myself please. I will respect my “Do Over” and hopefully do just as well as I did the first time around, but this time making decisions about my life from a new perspective and with God’s help. I left as a rebellious teenager and am now a seasoned adult with high hopes. One, two, three, everybody sing “She’s got high hopes, she’s got high hopes. She’s got high apple pie in the sky hopes”