Same walk, Shorter Distance

I have been complaining about not being able to get a job yet when last week my son calls and says he needs me to come to Mobile and stay with Hannah because Brennan needs surgery. I dropped everything and went quickly to them of course, but had I had a job I would not have been able to be of help. Perhaps this is the blessing or a confirmation for me right now to be able to know that God knows of the things to come for me. This ability to drop all things for my loved ones may soon be coming to an end and I needed one last joy ride.

I have loved being there in any way for my family. I remember having to bring things left at home to my kids at school and to Steve as well sometimes and having to run errands from them during the day. I loved helping my family and being available to them and any friends or other family members as well.  Now I have to depend on me to make money to pay my bills and I am responsible for me alone. I have new found empathy for all those single parents, and widows who have small children to care for.  It is hard to be alone and even harder if there seems to be no place in this world for your particular unaccredited skills. The world wants me to believe I am a loser right now, but I am having none of that. It really is hard to filter those thoughts out of my head though. I know without a doubt that I will find a job when I am supposed to. I still have a couple of loose ends to tie from my last life and after those tie up I suppose then the job will find me.

Do I sound optimistic or naive? I sure hope optimistic and I hope it plays out the way I see it play out in my head. I was reminded on my walk this morning about trying to get ahead of myself. On Saturday, my leg began to hurt and by the end of the night it hurt to walk and I felt like I was dragging my leg around. I felt a bit like Igor from Young Frankenstein (probably looked like him too). I have had this same leg problem before so it was nothing new. It first started when I was pregnant with my first born and it comes and goes depending on my activity level. I call it my “baby” leg since it started during my first pregnancy.  I suppose that weak muscle became uncooperative in all my dealings with Hannah over the past week. Up and down, around and back again Hannah used me as her own special plaything and I enjoyed every moment of it.  I gladly give up my normal walk for the time spent with her.  I had so much fun and am so grateful my Brennan is alright too. It was such a blessing being able to be there to help them out.

This morning was the first time I have walked in a week and it was a slow go as I nursed my decrepit old muscle, but I made it despite my “baby” leg. Funny thing is I don’t feel old; my body is just in rebellion right now. While on my walk, I had to laugh at the fresh new banana peel in the road thinking if I slipped on it I would at least have a good excuse for my lovely limp. This peel got me to thinking about my impatience and my eagerness to get over this “baby” leg quicker so I could get back to my 4 mile walks. I have no control over the speed of the healing same as I had no control over how it began to hurt. I just have to walk it out. My usual hour long four mile walk became an hour long two mile walk today. It took the same amount of time, but I covered a shorter distance. Such is my life. My life might go on but the pain will come back and I have to deal with it from time to time as I have to with my “baby” leg issue. I never know when it will act up just as I never know when something will trigger a memory of Steve.

I have to say I thought about Steve more while around Hannah this past week. I guess it started in the car on the way there when I couldn’t call him and talk to him while I drove there. He was my go to man in a crisis. (Okay yes God is my go to man in a crisis, but Steve was second and Steve talked back to me in words, not thoughts mingled with my own) I had a strange peace about all of it though and knew it would all be alright, but I missed my go to man. I especially missed him when I locked my keys in the car after a wonderful morning at the playground with Hannah. Thank God we were at the golden arches and we had some lunch while waiting on a lock smith to rescue me. I was calm for that too. I think I would have been less enthusiastic about having to call Steve and tell him what I did. I would not have had as much peace as I did since I know God won’t rag me about it too much. I was so grateful to be able to pay my bill and get Hannah home for her nap. Habit had me wanting to call Steve, but I felt a shift in my thought process again and realized it was on me to handle it. I guess I am growing up and growing to accept I have to make decisions on my own now.  No table for two anymore. It was the same walk but a shorter distance. The longer distance was Steve was the middle man, the head of my household, and I passed everything by him first. Now I just go the shorter distance and directly turn to God as never before. He is my husband now, my go to advisor. Same walk, shorter distance.

Tomorrow I hope to walk farther with less pain but it will be okay to if I must walk the same amount of time but a shorter distance. At least I can get out there to walk and I refuse to let it sideline me too long and the same goes for the grieving. My “baby” leg reminds me of my first born and the joy of pregnancy and the beginning of our married life together and gives me pause for reflection and thanksgiving. It will be the same when the memories come of Steve.  Pain is a fact of life and will come when I least expect it but pressing through and taking care of myself by listening to my body and slowing when I need to is the only way to get better. I accept it and continue to walk the walk at a slower pace for a time. I can accomplish all things through Christ who strengthens me and walks with me through the dark valleys. He is my companion and my coach as I hobble along my new path in my new life. I Thank God I am moving forward. I thank God I am moving at all.

Forward Progress

I am beginning to enjoy my daily “walk abouts”. I loved Forrest Gump and am beginning to understand the part about him “running” and I believe a “walk about” is just about the same thing only slower.  Since I don’t do running I will walk.  I feel some days I want to just walk until I stop, but living with one’s parents leaves that option out because I know they would worry. Nah, there I go just kidding myself again I really can’t do more than an hour but I want to. During these morning walks I think I am looking to find focus again. At first they were just about doing something, like when you are mad sometimes you just want to hit something, any action seems like a good idea. Yes walking is good for my health, but right now it is also about my mental health mostly and I need forward progress.

I have come a few miles since this time last year and haven’t thought it through too much during my  ignoring it and it will go away stage. I try so hard to focus my mind while I walk but alas, it seems to have a mind of its own too. The first few days I was so serious and diligent about my prayer walking but as I passed the banana peel in the road twice each time my creative mind went straight there. Yes, I wondered if I could actually slip on it. Where did the first gag about bannana peels come from and who first slipped on one. I found myself playing out different scenarios in my head and laughed as I saw myself laid out in the street people looking at me all because I just had to see if I could slip on it. I confess, I had to step on it to seize control over it so I could refocus on the task at hand, prayer and walking. Yes, I think about the strangest things sometimes but then sometimes I hit gold.

I also find my mind wandering to Steve alot as I walk when a place or sound jogs a memory free and I find myself walking a ways down the road with him. Usually it is Ireland but there are other special times from long ago which also pop into my head and I relive them with him. I’m not as sad anymore as I hear him say things I know he would say to me as we walk with a purpose, which is moving me along to work things out in my head. Some days it is the memories and other day’s its tasks which keep my mind working as I walk. Thinking of what I have to do next in my life like GET A JOB and all that entails. I know there is not much I can do right now but I am evaluating my strengths and weaknesses and trying to make sense of it all and walking makes me feel like I am working even though I’m not. At least I am doing something.  I am somewhat comforted in the forward progress of my walk even though I never go far and I always come home. On my walks I’m able to push myself and press onward never really going to a place but perhaps preparing for something to come.

 This morning as I was walking under a street light a crow landed on top of the one in front of me and began cawing. He was cawing so loudly that he nearly intimidated me into not wanting to go near him but I would not let him win, I went under as he called out to his friends. Soon there were several bird buddies cawing so loudly that I struggled to hear the music playing in my headphones.  I felt the Lord showing me this as a natural sign of how difficult it is sometimes, even with the best intentions, to hear His voice because the natural sounds of this world can be so overwhelmingly loud. However through it all the music continued to play and I had to refocus and turn up the volume in my own ears. I had the choice to turn it up or keep it at the level that the birds nearly drowned out. I chose to crank it up because that cawing was nerve wracking and I needed music. Perhaps God was showing me how subtle it is to be hearing music one minute and the world the next. It is so distracting yet it took a conscience effort to crank up the volume instead of struggling to hear through it.

You see sometimes I do find gold in my quiet walks, anything that brings me deeper awareness of the presence of God in my daily life is good with me. I used to have some of my best prayer time in the bath tub or in the quiet of my house but for now I have taken it on the road. It is not that I can’t pray at the house because I do, but this is where it is happening for me right now. Prayer is familiar to me while the neighborhood is different and my life is different I can still take time to pray and do something familiar in a different way. I have found my new prayer closet and it is much bigger than the last few. Who knows that might change next week, life is fluid and I am making forward progress by walking in circles.

Blow Wind, Blow

Today is such a glorious, beautiful day outside. It is a physical manifestation of my how my life seemed to be for me over the past few months. It has been raining and gloomy since last Thursday due to a slow moving tropical storm named Lee. Sure I ventured out in the rain a few times on Saturday to have lunch with a friend and see a movie as well but for the most part, I have been holed up for four days longing for the sunshine again. Today I got what I wanted most and then some. The sun is shining brilliantly but added to the splendor of my day was the beautiful cool breeze and seemingly no humidity that accompanied the beautiful sunshine. It is the most glorious day I have experienced in a long, long time.

This is pretty much how I am feeling these days much lighter and able to breathe because the blanket of stifling humidity has left me and gloominess of grief lifted. I am ready to get out and moving again. I took a nice long walk today, the first one really, exploring this new neighborhood I am now living in. Last week before the storm, I ventured out enough to find solitude in the wooded area behind our neighborhood but today I stayed in the streets after my nature time in the woods.  This is a really large neighborhood I find myself in, nothing familiar to it at all like the one I grew up in across town. The wind kept me just cool enough as I soaked in as much sun as I dare take in. I am inside right now, but my body is itching for the outdoors.

I realize grief is awfully  confining, and I eventually needed to be out in the world after all the sleeping, eating and slugging around was finally over. Isolation has its good and bad points, and I am not really sure why I had to have it for so long, but I am glad it is over now. I am walking around the neighborhood to prepare myself to run my life again. I mean that figuratively of course since this girl don’t run, but I am running in my spirit. I am feeling again, the warmth of the sun, the cool breeze and even emotions I have put on hold or in check are resurfacing. I may be strong again, I haven’t tested it yet, but I am feeling it. It is so amazing, God’s timing in my life. I am feeling a bit sad now as I realize I will be getting a job soon and won't be able to be this free again but I know things are working as they are supposed to and I am excited about it now. I am getting anxious to see what He has in store for me.

I am not feeling rejected yet about not finding a job because I know it isn’t His time yet. I realize I may have tried to speed my healing up and sweep some of this under a rug instead of doing a proper healing. I did throw myself into busy things, I threw myself into nothingness too and now as I focus on Him and my new life I see possibilities. God is my spouse and the one I turn to now for everything and it should have been this way all along. I loved Steve and still do, but he should have been number two in my life and I see where I held him number one too many times.  People say I am stronger than I really am; I am weak and can do nothing without God who strengthens me. I am so grateful for all God’s love and support throughout this long drawn out testing period as I feel it coming to a close. I feel a change of seasons coming on and that means a change in my direction, maybe a job. I know there are more hot and, humid days ahead, that is just a fact of life, but I will stop to appreciate and enjoy the beautiful mild days like today and enjoy the gift that they are.

Blow wind blow, blow away the sorrows that yesterday held, blow in fresh breezes of fragrant air from your throne room to refresh the weary and invigorate their hunger for you and your plans for their lives. Blow wind blow. I am but a leaf upon your mighty breathe, send me where I am to go, and grant me wisdom when I light upon the ground you place me. Blow wind blow .May your peace and mercy proceed me always and may your love always abound in my heart. Blow wind blow, cleanse the earth and the hearts of man so we may all live to do your will and may peace reign in our hearts so that we may delight you once again. Blow wind blow, have your way with us.

Ramblin's of my Inner Child

I guess when the juices flow you must answer and get to a keyboard. Tonight I am trying to sleep an old song is going through my mind. I will sing it to you since you can’t hear my voice but it is quite alright to cringe at the sound of my imaginary voice, I do. “Just what makes that little ole ant think he can move a rubber tree plant, everyone knows and ant can’t move a rubber tree plant” (everyone sing with me) “But He’s got High hopes, He’s got high hopes, He’s got high apple pie in the sky hopes”. Now if that isn’t how the song goes, my apologies to the writers, but it is the way it’s rattling around in my head tonight. I guess my spirit is trying to tell me something, huh?

Could it be my great expectations for my future now that I have my voice back again so I can sing? I was humming a lot today too. Have you ever wondered why we sing or whistle when we are content or doing a task?  The bible talks about groanings from our spirit and yes I agree sometimes my singing voice sounds more like a groan, but when it bubbles up I can’t help  but have a song on my lips. If you have seen the Disney movie The Little Mermaid when Ariel offers her voice up to the sea witch in return for her legs it sort of bubbles up and out of her and this is the word picture of how I see my “groaning”. How many times have I hummed or sung the words to a song I haven’t thought of in years, like the rubber tree plant song. Really? Who sings that song on a daily basis and I can’t even remember the movie it was in. But the message my spirit wanted me to sing and proclaim is to have high hopes, crazy high apple pie in the sky hopes (what does this actually mean?) Is this like the cow jumped over the moon high? I believe it is stupid, giddy, crazy dreaming hopes that I laid down so many years ago to mature into this wonderful adult person that I am now. I abandoned my inner child.

I set aside my dreams of chocolate palaces and of ever getting my fantasy television wrist watch so I would never miss an episode of I Dream of Jeannie.  These are high apple pie (I really prefer chocolate pie) dreams that appear to be beyond my imagination now. Beatrix Potter, Dr. Seuss, Walt Disney, Steven Spielberg imaginations. My imagination went dormant when I got mature enough to grow up. I left it behind except for the few times I told a wild tale to keep me or someone out of trouble. Yes those incidences will forever be my secret so doesn’t ask. Yes they were lies I confess, but surrounded by a great tale of imagination.

 So where do imaginations go? Where does our childlike enthusiasm go? Well I have seen flashes of childish imaginations when fans dress up for football games in silly makeup or costumes. Imagine being so filled with absolute joy that is bubbles out in a whoop or a holler and perhaps a dance around the living room floor after a touchdown. If that sounds familiar, you still have spark of your inner child alive and well and that is where I believe hope lives too. Glimpses of childish glee is fine for starters, but I want it all back except the part about not being able to talk or walk and messing in diapers. Yeah, yeah I know old age, but have you noticed how some older people have that twinkle in their eyes as they start living in the past of their childhood. Some older people have had to be so serious all their lives that the twinkle left in childhood.

I think it's good to get back in touch with our inner child, so we can see hope again and dream big dreams and maybe even pursue them now. Why just me rambling on in this blog is childish don’t you think? It's just like a kid to give you all the details of their life even the stuff you don’t want to hear. It's just as if the child down deep has kicked the door opened and burst in screaming "I want some apple pie!" Yeah and I will have it in the sky, with a guy, with diamonds on his face. (Yes this is the actual thought that went through my head as I typed that. So childish I know). I know the spirited inner child is trying to get my life kick started again, but this time I will integrate her with my adult self and the spirit of God who dwells within me will add the wisdom I never knew to ask for before. I am now a child fully loaded. Watch me roar! (Or purr, it depends on the circumstances.)