Today is such a glorious, beautiful day outside. It is a physical manifestation of my how my life seemed to be for me over the past few months. It has been raining and gloomy since last Thursday due to a slow moving tropical storm named Lee. Sure I ventured out in the rain a few times on Saturday to have lunch with a friend and see a movie as well but for the most part, I have been holed up for four days longing for the sunshine again. Today I got what I wanted most and then some. The sun is shining brilliantly but added to the splendor of my day was the beautiful cool breeze and seemingly no humidity that accompanied the beautiful sunshine. It is the most glorious day I have experienced in a long, long time.
This is pretty much how I am feeling these days much lighter and able to breathe because the blanket of stifling humidity has left me and gloominess of grief lifted. I am ready to get out and moving again. I took a nice long walk today, the first one really, exploring this new neighborhood I am now living in. Last week before the storm, I ventured out enough to find solitude in the wooded area behind our neighborhood but today I stayed in the streets after my nature time in the woods. This is a really large neighborhood I find myself in, nothing familiar to it at all like the one I grew up in across town. The wind kept me just cool enough as I soaked in as much sun as I dare take in. I am inside right now, but my body is itching for the outdoors.
I realize grief is awfully confining, and I eventually needed to be out in the world after all the sleeping, eating and slugging around was finally over. Isolation has its good and bad points, and I am not really sure why I had to have it for so long, but I am glad it is over now. I am walking around the neighborhood to prepare myself to run my life again. I mean that figuratively of course since this girl don’t run, but I am running in my spirit. I am feeling again, the warmth of the sun, the cool breeze and even emotions I have put on hold or in check are resurfacing. I may be strong again, I haven’t tested it yet, but I am feeling it. It is so amazing, God’s timing in my life. I am feeling a bit sad now as I realize I will be getting a job soon and won't be able to be this free again but I know things are working as they are supposed to and I am excited about it now. I am getting anxious to see what He has in store for me.
I am not feeling rejected yet about not finding a job because I know it isn’t His time yet. I realize I may have tried to speed my healing up and sweep some of this under a rug instead of doing a proper healing. I did throw myself into busy things, I threw myself into nothingness too and now as I focus on Him and my new life I see possibilities. God is my spouse and the one I turn to now for everything and it should have been this way all along. I loved Steve and still do, but he should have been number two in my life and I see where I held him number one too many times. People say I am stronger than I really am; I am weak and can do nothing without God who strengthens me. I am so grateful for all God’s love and support throughout this long drawn out testing period as I feel it coming to a close. I feel a change of seasons coming on and that means a change in my direction, maybe a job. I know there are more hot and, humid days ahead, that is just a fact of life, but I will stop to appreciate and enjoy the beautiful mild days like today and enjoy the gift that they are.
Blow wind blow, blow away the sorrows that yesterday held, blow in fresh breezes of fragrant air from your throne room to refresh the weary and invigorate their hunger for you and your plans for their lives. Blow wind blow. I am but a leaf upon your mighty breathe, send me where I am to go, and grant me wisdom when I light upon the ground you place me. Blow wind blow .May your peace and mercy proceed me always and may your love always abound in my heart. Blow wind blow, cleanse the earth and the hearts of man so we may all live to do your will and may peace reign in our hearts so that we may delight you once again. Blow wind blow, have your way with us.
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