My Big Fat Lip

Well I am now a working woman. I have completed my first week of paid employment and I have enjoyed the daily challenges of learning new things.  It is my new life and I am so happy to have a job and an opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to start over again. It just so happens on my way to work yesterday I had Steve with me. On January 17th it will be two years since I had minor surgery on my lip to remove a basal cell carcinoma.  I was so grateful for it because if it weren’t for that ugly thing on my lip I never would have known about the melanoma developing on a very innocent looking spot on my arm. Since my surgery there are days when my lip feels very fat and swollen and yesterday was one of them.

The procedure I had also caused Steve to overreact and treat me like I had some really bad form of cancer. I laughed at him and told him I would be fine and that it was not a big deal. He made such a fuss and was so concerned that I gave in and let it be alright that he had asked his work to keep his truck driving routes closer to home during the first six months of 2010. It meant less money but more home time for him which was always a good thing for us. Yesterday morning on my way to work I realized another reason to be grateful for this minor occasional discomfort. Now when my lip feels fat I can remember how good God was to bring Steve closer to home the last year I would ever see him. How special I am that God loves me enough to do that for me. I can’t imagine 2010 without all our extra home time together and family occasions. We often commented on how nice it was that he was home so much that year. Never realizing how precious those times really were and it would be his last spring with us.

So I won't complain again about my lip feeling fat or feeling self conscience about my ugly scar. I am so glad to have that reminder of God’s love for me and my family. Now it reminds me of Steve’s love for me, his concern and I feel good as I allow those great memories of that year to flood in. It was also interesting that as this new revelation set in on the way to work I was in stop and go traffic  after I exited the interstate and all the way until the road became a single lane I rode side by side with a large 18 wheeler. Now that is not a coincidence and it felt like Steve was with me. The only bad part was I cried most of the way to work but fortunately no one noticed when I got to the office. Thank God for waterproof mascara and a busy work environment.

It is amazing the hardships we go through never realizing there could be a reason and a bright side to every difficult experience we have. It took me two years to recognize another reason to not complain about a minor thing that I had called myself being so grateful to God for. My arms got tired of praising so I once again let them drop and started to complain. How quickly we forget how good God is. He has truly been a light unto my path. I am unsure of the movie that this scene was in (probably Indiana Jones or something like that) but there was an invisible path over a deep cavern and this man had to step out in faith and believe that the path was there in that one certain spot. It wasn’t until he stepped onto it that the pathway became visible. I look back on the past year and a half since Steve passed away and I never knew what the next step would be and truthfully have been just moving forward without thinking too hard in my fog of unknowing. Each time I took the step a stepping stone became visible and God has gone before me to illuminate it for me.

Actually I had felt deep inside of me that I really wasn’t going to have a job until after this New Year but I was unsure how much of that feeling was pessimism due to discouragement  or if it was God reassuring me within my spirit. I did my due diligence by walking forward; putting in applications seeking out jobs where I could and I left it at that and knew God had a job for me somewhere because He had taken me so far already that I knew He wouldn’t leave me stranded. I also knew from past experience about throwing me into difficult situations for testing too and I didn’t want another survival test, I wanted an easy assignment one I wouldn’t have to put a lot of effort into. I confess I was becoming a bit disheartened that I had not received any calls fearing I was un-hirable but God had different plans.  I felt like I was ready to move onto the next thing but didn’t have a next thing to move on to yet. He put a friend in her perfect position at work at His perfect time she asked me if I was still looking for a job. It is always about His timing isn’t it?  I am grateful for new hope this new year and seeing His path lit up before me. I only pray my eyes never grow dim again and my hands never fall by my side as I have once again uplifted them in praise. I must be careful not to complain because I notice that is when my arms start to fall.

Thank you God for my fat lip, for my new job and assuring me that I am strong enough to start all over again and I feel you have released me back into the world. My recovery time is now over and I pray I never let you down and that my feet never leave this path. I will try not to complain again.

Becoming Single Minded

I have written but just not blogged since the last “first in my life since Steve died” was over. My daughter graduated from college in December ending the year of firsts and opening a new door in my brain. I felt so close to Steve on the day of her graduation more so than at the other celebrations this year. Perhaps it was closing a door as well and it made me somewhat sad.  I suddenly felt as though I had nothing more to look forward to and the lovely family connectedness this past year of events blessed us with was over and this meant losing another piece of Steve. When we are all together it is like taking a shot of him because he is so much a part of us. I miss him more when the kids are around, but I feel him more when they are around too.

 The ice began to crack under my feet with each event of this past year and despite my best efforts to hold it back, the winter of my soul has succumbed to the rushing spring hidden so well just below the surface. You can’t hold back the seasons of life and now my spring has begun whether I’m ready or not and this means my new life without Steve must now begin. Mary’s graduation was now past, Christmas had passed as well and the New Year was fast approaching. I had started looking very hard for a job again, and even enrolled with a job assistance place and was informed about a program for displaced homemakers like myself. I really was not feeling as hopeful as I wanted to feel especially when people kept telling me how hard it is to get a job. But, hey, never fear, when you have a large family, something always comes up. On December 29 my newlyweds sent me a text informing me I would be a grandma again this year. Yes I said they texted me actually it was a picture of the stick saying pregnant and I started crying because of the goodness of God. God never lets me down and I now have something to look forward to.

 On New Year’s Eve we had our second annual mini high school lunch gathering at a local restaurant. Even one of our most beloved, might I say very young looking teachers came to catch up with us too adding to our delightful afternoon.  There were so many cameras clicking I swear people thought we were celebrities. (Of course we were in our own minds and to each other and that was all that mattered.)  I promise we look better now than we did in high school and it is not only because our eyesight may be failing a bit, but we now see each with vision only maturity and wisdom brings. We loved each other well that day embracing each other squealing in pure delight at seeing each other again. We had so much fun catching up and we didn’t want to leave each other but we had to because it was New Year's Eve and most of us had plans. It is interesting that the end of 2011 brought my past back but in a new and interesting way. As we left the building a dear friend asked me if I was still looking for a job, and I of course let her know about my efforts to find a job. She told me to come in on Monday for an interview for the dental office she works at. Divine appointments and divine connections once again and I knew the New Year would be a great new start to my new life. I left there feeling on top of the world, ready for 2012.

Before I left the house for this special luncheon, my niece crawled up into my lap and asked “Ney Ney, are you still married?” I was struck by the directness of her question because I had never thought she would think about such things as this. I was briefly at a loss for words about it because it is something never mentioned  just assumed and not something I think about on purpose. I told her no I wasn't, even though my heart was in conflict saying that wasn't a true statement. Then she proceeded to ask “Where is your wedding ring” and I informed her I had put it away in a very special place, because I never want to lose it. I have lost some weight and it keeps sliding off so to protect it and myself, I don’t wear it daily. I could see her little mind still working as she asked “Ney Ney, do you think you will get a boyfriend?” This just made me laugh. She is five years old processing my loss better than I am and thinking much quicker than I am about moving on.

Monday finally came and I was so pleased to meet with this very nice dentist who actually took the time to meet with me face to face and assess me in person. I bless him because I had filled out so many applications online and not one person called me back for an interview. The whole process had been cold and impersonal up to this point. I was sent home after the interview to fill out my application and as I was filling in the forms for income tax withholding, I stumbled upon boxes that didn’t suit me. They only had boxes for single, married or head of household and nothing for me and what I was. My mind was screaming that I was still married but now I am single not by choice of course. Where was the box for this? I was very annoyed to have to make another connection in my brain which leads me back to Steve’s death yet again. So let me get this straight in the whole scheme of reality I am single. This is my official status? So because I still feel married crawling out of the married box felt so unnatural. There isn’t a box on income tax forms that say widowed; they don’t really care about that. I am single  and to me that always meant looking for someone but I’m not looking so you see  I want to scream onto the tax forms that I am single but NOT BY CHOICE PEOPLE. Where is the box for that? Someone please make a box for me that I can handle. Perhaps single-ish would do for those of us in transition.

So yes, yet again I am still adjusting to my status; geez you would think after fifteen months I would realize by now that this is real. I was very much ready to start work on today but I had a few hoops to jump through and paperwork associated with the on the job training program I am enrolled in. I don’t believe those people at the workforce place realized how quickly God works. I hope to go to work on Monday now.  I don’t understand why God is allowing this week before perhaps just to make me more single minded.  I am filled with anticipation and uncertainty but very eager to get to work and be busy again. I know I needed this processing time to adjust to the ideas of not being readily available to my kids anymore, being single and tying up other loose ends. I will not question God on this and will go with His flow and take advantage of this down time. I feel like tossing my hat into the air shouting here I come world hope you’re read, (heck hope I am).