It has been a long time since last I felt the need to write/purge. Life has been a blessing, work is great, I have lots of new friends and plenty to keep me occupied. Yesterday my mother told me a cousin died of a massive heart attack. She said it was like Steve, no lingering just quick and I agreed how wonderful that was. Up until tonight when I started to think. Steve was alone and my mind recreated how I think things went with him. I know he walked with God, but was there a thought of fear and of us left behind. The fear of life undone? Did he feel pain and when he fell in the parking lot of the store he stopped at, did he hit his head? Did he feel that pain at all?
Now I have never given this too much thought before because of the torture I feel when I go there and the guilt I feel at not being there with him when he left me. I really never follow the thought all the way to the ground like I have done this evening. I recall conversations we had about his fear of not wanting to die alone in his truck, and his constant longing to be with his family and not on the road alone. Yes all pure pain I am feeling as I type this, but somehow I feel it is maybe somewhere I need to go right now, perhaps a healing in another area.
I am not really a morbid person and I have kept away from these places for just that reason the what if's and not knowings have protected me thus far and kept me from losing my mind. The recent suddern loss of my cousin has opened a would again and perhaps this time around I can heal somemore. I can't believe after so much joy I am feeling so much pain again.
My darling, had I been there would it have made you more or less fearful? Would it have been harder on you or on me? I see your face again in the coffin when last I saw you and yes, it is real again. I am not mourning your loss again, I am mourning the fact you were alone, and I was alone. This was one of the only things we ever did apart from each other. We made decisions together, we raised our children together, we spoke on the phone and kept each other company and this we did not do together! It is not a choice either of us would have made and I am once again sad you are no longer a part of my life.
I look to you in times when I need comfort and I am not my best comforter and all others are imitators compared to what we had. I say so many things to cajole myself such as I know your sudden death was good for you because of no lingering after effects, but my life is the lingering after effect. Life without you is so bland and unsure. I miss you so much and am so sorry at the way you died have I told you that? I really don't take any comfort in the suddeness of your death right now, I am still sad. Cajoling has ceased and I see through it now and it is what it is, I am blessed to have known you and sad you are no longer here. The pall is lifting and I am beginning to see it all again, is that the plan?
Again I move on, one day at a time without you, missing you so much. How can one possibly miss someone as much as I miss you.I know I am passed so many areas of healing, and I promise not to ride this wave too long, I just want to see what I blurred out of my mind and confront it head on. I am strong but weak right now. Pray for me darling to get through this mini misery. I will love you forever Steve, Don't forget me.
Now I have never given this too much thought before because of the torture I feel when I go there and the guilt I feel at not being there with him when he left me. I really never follow the thought all the way to the ground like I have done this evening. I recall conversations we had about his fear of not wanting to die alone in his truck, and his constant longing to be with his family and not on the road alone. Yes all pure pain I am feeling as I type this, but somehow I feel it is maybe somewhere I need to go right now, perhaps a healing in another area.
I am not really a morbid person and I have kept away from these places for just that reason the what if's and not knowings have protected me thus far and kept me from losing my mind. The recent suddern loss of my cousin has opened a would again and perhaps this time around I can heal somemore. I can't believe after so much joy I am feeling so much pain again.
My darling, had I been there would it have made you more or less fearful? Would it have been harder on you or on me? I see your face again in the coffin when last I saw you and yes, it is real again. I am not mourning your loss again, I am mourning the fact you were alone, and I was alone. This was one of the only things we ever did apart from each other. We made decisions together, we raised our children together, we spoke on the phone and kept each other company and this we did not do together! It is not a choice either of us would have made and I am once again sad you are no longer a part of my life.
I look to you in times when I need comfort and I am not my best comforter and all others are imitators compared to what we had. I say so many things to cajole myself such as I know your sudden death was good for you because of no lingering after effects, but my life is the lingering after effect. Life without you is so bland and unsure. I miss you so much and am so sorry at the way you died have I told you that? I really don't take any comfort in the suddeness of your death right now, I am still sad. Cajoling has ceased and I see through it now and it is what it is, I am blessed to have known you and sad you are no longer here. The pall is lifting and I am beginning to see it all again, is that the plan?
Again I move on, one day at a time without you, missing you so much. How can one possibly miss someone as much as I miss you.I know I am passed so many areas of healing, and I promise not to ride this wave too long, I just want to see what I blurred out of my mind and confront it head on. I am strong but weak right now. Pray for me darling to get through this mini misery. I will love you forever Steve, Don't forget me.
