Don't ask me why

This past week not only have I had major decisions made and new firsts since Steve died, but I have been thinking so much of him it hurts. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know but I am in my second mourning I guess. My daughter is here, sleeping in the other room and she reminds me so much of Steve with her silly playful self I am sure this is also keeping the mourning pot stirring. Maybe it is because I pushed away so many memories and reminders of Steve so quickly and now that I have made the decision to leave this house, it is all catching up. Whatever the reason, it is back and I need to get a handle on this.

Does this happen to everyone? It could be because Steve was on the road so much and I was used to him being gone, but never this long and it is finally sinking deeper into my conscience. Yeah that is probably it I guess, and this is all the thoughts and feelings delayed until now. I wondered why I was doing so well so soon and now feel like such a basket case again. I have picked up the phone to call him so many times over the last week. I am really missing him and our long sometimes boring phone calls. The house has really been like a tomb until Mary came back for a visit and brought it back to life with her and her friends last night. I miss the noise of family fun and the joy and loudness of life. It hit me when Millie did her 20 minute loud barking, yipping and running madly around the house greeting Mary yesterday. I miss seeing her do this when Steve came home. She and I have both become quiet and somber and it was good for both of us to go crazy yesterday greeting Mary.

Everything reminds me of Steve today as I try not to bring him up too much to Mary. I know she is missing him as much as I am and perhaps we will both share a few moments of cry time this week, but I just didn’t want to start our visit like that. This may be the last time she is home in the house she grew up in and it is hard on both of us as we go through memories shared here. So yes, I guess we will mourn together the loss of our home and Steve and get through this wave together. I am glad to have someone to suffer through with me because I have pretty much done most of this stupid mourning alone. I also intend to make new memories with her and have some good fun too. She is so precious to me and I hurt because she hurts as I know my mother hurts for me too. The maternal circle of life goes on. This pain shared by me and Mary can only be handled by crying it out and loving it out. We have danced around this issue, she doesn’t want me to feel bad and vice versa, but we will do this and perhaps when I leave here it won’t be as bad as it could be since I have a partner to mourn with.

Don’t ask me why it comforts me to have Mary here to burden with my mourning. It shouldn’t be this way, but she knows how I feel and I know the loss she feels. Does misery really love company? I am just amazed at how many times I have cried this past week. I really think it has to do with my decision to finally leave my home to a realtor and get on. Maybe I have been clinging to this house and dragging my feet and that was a protective measure, but I am resigned to go now so the emotions are catching up. Whatever the reason, just so you people know out there in blogo land, I thought I was done, but it is still there and I hear it is all part of “the process” so just when you think it is over, it comes back to bite again. Another wave to ride and I plan to ride it out again. There really is no rhyme or reason and no pattern to wrap your mind around grief. It is sneaky, but it will not rule me. Mary and I will have a great time together and as long as we are together, we celebrate our lives and Steve. So this is a good thing and will eventually be a great thing one day after all this sadness goes away. It is all good even the hard part.