Ryan’s Graduation

I can say it was a bittersweet day for me today. I knew it was coming from way off and have put it out of my mind so much I didn’t get nearly as excited as I wanted to be today. Our second oldest son graduated from Pharmacy school today a process started many years ago.  Four years ago Steve and I went to Auburn to attend Ryan’s white coat ceremony which began his four years of schooling. That ceremony was a day which made us burst with pride and excitement for Ryan as we saw his dedication and determination and knew he would get through these four years and come away with his doctorate.

Ryan pulled through with honors and graduated cum laude, proving once again when he sets his mind to something, he will do it. As I watched him today in the same place where it all started four years ago at that white coat ceremony, I couldn’t help but feel sadness too.  I was sad for Ryan and my other 3 children who will not have their father around for these memorable occasions that Steve treasured so much.  Many holidays over the last years, I have spent alone because he was on the road but graduations and weddings were milestone family events he wouldn’t miss.  He always made sure to give plenty of notice for these occasions no matter what the cost. The last milestone was my 50^th birthday last year.

This was a milestone for all of us but for Steve is was like it was his extra special day. I say this because if I had to name one message Steve was impassioned about it was to get an education.  I laugh as I sit here and the second message popped into my head that being sex before marriage can kill you. This was his gift he gave to all of his children, planting seeds about the importance of education since they were very young. All of our children knew his passion was to have his children educated and have a direction in life and a career they would thrive and be happy in. They have all gone to college and we have 2 graduations under our belt.  

This will sound odd but in my mind throughout the ceremony, I felt Steve there with me.  I knew exactly what he would have been doing or saying if he had been there with me.  I suppose 29 years with someone does that. I felt his hand holding mine tightly as Ryan’s name was called out and I saw the tears well up in his eyes too. I saw his eager expression as Ryan walked off the stage and past our row looking our way. I know exactly how he would have reacted and interacted with me and the kids and I just allowed my mind to go there.  It was an indulgence I really shouldn’t have allowed myself, but I really wanted to share this day with him.  Thank God I always cry at their graduations, but also grateful I had my friend with me to pray away those tears reserved for the privacy of my home later. It was such a wonderful day; I didn’t want to ruin it with sadness.

I enjoyed my time with family, I enjoyed my imagination time with Steve but as the day wore into night, he was gone again and reality bit my. I started this blog last night after my big day but it got so hard to type with the tears streaming so profusely I had to set it aside until I could get a grip this morning. I am better, just had to get through that big wave. I was surprised at how many tears I still had left but it really was a big first. I only hope this was my homework and it is completed, for the rest of the firsts this year. I am most concerned about the wedding, but will take it as it comes, one day at a time, one tear at a time.

So Ryan, my son, I am so proud and I hope you felt your dad there yesterday as strongly as I did. He loved you so much and was so excited for you. He was so proud of the husband you are to Shannon and the father you are to Hannah.  He always knew you would work everything out and allow God to direct your life.  I hear him saying “I’m proud of you Doc”. Keep up the good work Ryan, you are a good man and you had such a loving father. He is missed but he is always around. I love you.