He has Risen, so must I

I am ashamed to say this Holy Week that the tears I shed are mostly for me and the sadness I hold in my heart at not having Steve here. I cannot imagine Mary, mother of Jesus, the pain you suffered at the torture and death of your son. You witnessed His death and the events leading up to that awful day so many years ago, and try as I may, I still cannot imagine the immensity of your suffering and grief and truth be told, I don’t want to. I feel shallow because my tears and suffering are so small in comparison to yours yet here I sit, trying to put on a happy face for the world to see, but I am sad within. I know you had inner peace, but how long did you mourn, really? I know you were the mother of God, but you were fully human and I know you had some emotions other than the artist renditions of you through the ages. I know you had to have screamed; you had to have fallen into some form of depression after everyone withdrew from you to allow you your time of grief.

Jesus arose three days after and because of that I am able to say I will see Steve again and I have hope. Is this where you found your peace too after He ascended into Heaven and left you again? Did you spend your days waiting to see Him again and did you ever second guess if it was all real and did all that really happen? Did you wonder what was to come of you now? Where you would live or what you would do? I know you were human and you probably did, so I take consolation in knowing, nothing is new under the sun. My feelings have been felt by others all through the ages. I am not special in that, I am just a small part of this world so I am at peace, yet I am in pain. Can I be both?

I have had the grace of peace that passes understanding throughout this ordeal, but some days that peace tends to lose its intensity and I find I sometimes forget the feel of it as I trudge through my emotions today. It is funny how I can go along doing fine and feeling extreme joy and peace and I get tripped up by a thought or memory. I really don’t dwell on it, but I can’t ignore it since I am face down on the floor. It is so easy to stay down once you are already there, but thank God that is when you see how dirty it is down there and you force yourself to get up and start cleaning again. Life is an effort and I am blessed to be able to get through it all without medication and to be as hopeful as I am. It is only by the grace of God and though I blog my down days more than my up days, I am healing well and feeling better about all of this. I just honestly have to say, it is not all good days.

I am reminded this Holy Week, that my worst day was not even close to the worse day in the life of Mary. I am so blessed and I want to say I take comfort as I bind my pain to the pain of Jesus and Mary this week of Holy Week. I embrace my pain as Jesus embraced His cross keeping His eye on God and trusting His Father always. I embrace the faith and trust that Mary had to believe that God had a bigger and better plan. I know the end of the story, Mary didn’t and I know Jesus rose and suffered so we could all live eternally in Heaven one day. This is the hope I embrace on this somber day and this keeps me going through the rough patches. Just because I am a follower of Christ doesn’t mean I won’t have some rough days. I know Jesus fell more than three times on His way to be crucified, and He got back up every time. He could have just lain there, but He kept picking Himself up for the hope of all mankind. I am surely not better than my Jesus so I am not entitled to stay down even though it feels so good. I know it is the rising that sets us free and makes us strong.  It’s been a rough week but I see Easter coming!  Because He has risen so must I.  Alleluia!