Believe it or not I did not wake this morning knowing the date, I was reminded later in the day. I did wake, however, feeling I was missing something. I felt a bit teary, a bit sorry for myself and just out of sorts, not me today. It was later when I realized today is 6 months A.S. in my life and another wave of emotions hit. I allowed myself to sit, and think about my circumstances mostly Steve. I think I can no longer deny it, I am in this alone from here on out. He really isn’t coming back. I have said that a few times in the past, but my wonderful mind never truly allowed me to dwell in dark places for long. Today I looked it in the eye for the longest time in six months and it hurt, bad, but I was not throwing myself off the bridge bad.
I guess another piece of my mind has assimilated the information and another day of healing has come and is nearly over. Who would have known it could be so layered. It sounds bad, but I haven’t given much thought to the absence of Steve for a couple of months. I have been so focused on me and moving on and a few times it was business as usual visiting with family and friends. It was never the absence of Steve I missed, because I always knew he was a phone call away and not too far from the house if I truly needed him. It is the finality of knowing this is it and my body/mind has not adjusted to this new routine yet. I have kept the daily routine of talking to him daily but never get to hear his voice except on the answering machine where his last saved message is. I have listened to that quite a bit today. I don’t want to let go of that routine yet, it brings me comfort. I am afraid I will forget him if I stop talking to him. What is this stage I am in? There is no definition but to say mully grubs or perhaps the Foggy Bottom who cares anyway. It just is.
My darling I miss you I feel bad our routine was so different over the last few years and you were missing from my life quite a bit. I got familiar with your absence and I don’t want to be familiar with it anymore. I want you here with me. Life is so boring without you and I don’t have anyone to share with like we used to share. It is selfish of me to want you back so much because I know you are in a much better place than I am. I am excited to start over, but hate doing it without you. It really is quite exhausting thinking of all I have to do by myself. I need a break from this yet I can’t tarry, I must get on with my life and that is the sad fact of life. I can’t wallow; I grieve in spurts and wish I could be past all of this already.
This first year after losing you it seems that no matter how I try to ignore things, they are going to be addressed aren’t they? I feel like I am in a rock tumbler right now. So I give in to all the emotion I have for now, and tomorrow I will move on again. I just wanted you to know my love, I miss you more and more every day and I will never stop loving you. I am okay and will be better the day I get to see you again in Heaven. You will be glad to know, Steve, I can get along without you, but it is not nearly so fun or interesting. You brought me so much joy, and yes pain too, but it was what kept me strong and kept us going. I love you, darling. Thank you for helping me to grow and become the strong person I am today. Looking forward to the day we see each other again, my love.
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