2011 A.S.

I will be having a grandson later this year and was out shopping for something for him. I came across several outfits and was drawn to one that of course had a baseball theme and it said “Grandpa’s little slugger” on it. I guess it hit a tender spot again because I started crying in the store. I wrestled with myself about buying it because who knows maybe he is Steve’s little slugger. It just hit me again, this whole grandparent single thing again and it still hurts me to know our grandchildren will not know their grandfather.

I visited a friend this weekend and attended her church and the pastor came out to speak after the service. I was startled that he called me by name as I turned to see him chasing me down while walking to her car. I know my friend has brought my name up for prayer but it was so touching to know strangers/friends were praying for me. I also noticed after he said I am sorry to hear about your husband, I responded “It’s okay”. It was such a routine and patterned response to keep him comfortable and perhaps keep us from going there in conversation. I find myself reflecting a lot this morning about my responses. I notice I will speak about Steve through memories or what his response would be but if someone tries to take our conversation to the day he died, I either speak quickly about him or change the subject.

I suppose this is to protect me from feeling the pain of that day again. Our memories are good (I ignore the bad ones) so I try to be positive and only think the good thoughts. I also noticed on my last visit home, I fell into the same patterns of just being home for a visit as if nothing has changed in my life. I caught myself thinking “Now something is different here and reminded myself I could not go to my room and call Steve.  The thoughts are like when you wake up from a dream and are trying to call it back to your mind to remember it.   There are days I forget he is gone for good. I can’t believe I still have those thoughts. We have never been separated this long and maybe that is why it is hitting now? I don’t know or care I just know my pattern of thinking about him is still here and I will probably never forgive myself the day it ends if it ever does. I still think of him as I shop and make any decisions and miss my accountability partner. I have got to get used to these new patterns in my life.

I am so grateful for all the healing I have had, I am so hopeful for the day when it is not so tender. I have a scar on my lip from surgery last year and it is still numb in places. I suppose this scar on my heart is pretty much the same way. I look forward to the day when they will be so minor I will be hard pressed to see the faded scars. I will remember 2010 as the year of surgery and 2011 as the first year of recovery. Like Katrina is a life altering event in Louisiana’s life, I have my own life altering year marking time in my life. Never thought I needed one of those. 2011 AS (after Steve)