Waving Palm Sunday

You know Tuesday marks another milestone for me six months A.S. It is sometimes hard to believe it has been that long and then I still think more often than not, is this real? I have had an awful morning today thinking of Steve cursing him, wanting him so much to be here to help me with this stupid house stuff. I need his knowledge. I am operating in my less gifted areas (sales and math) and feel it is perhaps my fault somehow the two nibbles I had on my house mid week, fell through. I feel so rejected and bummed and as nice as it is to say turn to God, He can’t hold my head as I cry into an invisible shoulder. I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but I am used to having Steve to cry to and comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. So yes I am on a wave today.

It is Palm Sunday so I attended 11:00 service this Sunday morning instead of my more usual 5:30pm on Saturday nights. As we prayed and the priest blessed the palms, I watched the kids waving their palms at each other, tickling and just bringing back memories of our own palm wars. Many times we had to snatch them from the kids during service. It was and still is, such a temptation to play on such a serious day. This was one of the longest gospel readings of the year and those palms were such a welcome distraction for bored children everywhere. Of course my precious children eventually grew out of this stage and listened and participated sometime later in their adolescent years. But yes every child goes through a palm waving, tickling swordfighting stage in life and it was fun to think back on those days this morning. I was as much distracted by enjoying the children as they were in aggravating people with their palms.

I saw a woman there I knew who I know my two younger kids remember fondly, she was their Sunday school teacher. We got to talking and I found out she had lost her husband 2 weeks after my Steve. I had no idea that the world was still spinning after Steve and felt betrayed by my spaciness to have not known this news. She too, apologized for not getting around to me, so we both forgave and then had a nice support group time in the parking lot. Her husband died suddenly too and he also was gone a lot. We have much in common, except she does have a nine year old child whereas mine are grown.

We marveled at how God has gotten us through so much and how He has taken care of us during the worst time in our lives. And we shared secret losses that only a grieving spouse understands, like the loss of physical comfort from our husbands. That loss of security we grew to depend on so much. We shared about our “is it real” moments, our “am I doing this right?” moments and the loss of people in our lives who don’t know what to say to us. We spoke of those awkward people who ignore you because they feel so awful about not reaching out to us or keeping up the contact after the funerals were over. We also acknowledged how much we have to be grateful for. So it was very cathartic to go to church to find a widow my own age. The age part meaning in time of grieving not actual age because she is 10 years my junior.

So what they say is true, I guess, we are social beings and it is best to stay connected through a church group, a support group, family or friends. It is important to get back into the saddle as soon as possible, but it is also normal to ride a wave from time to time, even on Palm Sunday. I suppose this Holy week will be more emotional than normal, hopefully people will know I am crying in great thanksgiving for all Jesus has done for me and not still grieving Steve as much. I always cry during this week people so I guess Holy Week is always a wavy week, I just never focused on the mourning part of this week until this year. We are supposed to grieve our sins that caused such pain to our Savior but this year I know what grief is and this may actually enhance my Holy Week experience. I suppose it has always been about me feeling overwhelming gratitude for what my savior did for me. Maybe this year I can couple that with my real experience of grief and get the tears that heal flowing. I can never get enough healing. Because of the awfulness of this year, I love you more Lord and I hope next year to be able to say the same.  Thank you for this week and your ultimate sacrifice for me.