Well if anyone asks, practicing the sadness away worked for me especially well during the birth of my precious grandson a week ago. I was able to get through with barely a tear, but that is not to say they didn’t explode on my pillow at night. The stress of holding it all together and holding it in nearly sent me to a bar somewhere when I got home. Never fear, I restrained myself and find I am better now.
I think out of all the first afters I missed Steve the most during this very special family event. He was my shoulder to cry on, he was my ear to listen to me and my strong arms to hug me and I sorely missed his physical presence. Once again, it was the intimacy I missed his smile and mutual delight in our little Brennan as he smiled at me. I miss sharing that joy with him and talking about how wonderful it was to spend time with Hannah and brag with him about how good and smart she is. So many times I wanted to turn and share a smile with him and experience this emotional, joyous occasion with me. Whew I guess I better start practicing now for the wedding of our middle child in November. If not I will be a blubbering mess.
I am doing well though and very surprised that life is quickly moving on. I am still looking for a job unfortunately people want resume’s and mine is still very weak. I have to meet more people since it is all who you know. Being a homemaker for so many years in another state makes this particularly challenging. My hometown is filled with new faces and I find myself not knowing as many people as I once knew. Those I do know support me and are doing what they can for me, but it will take time. I know I have a job somewhere, just not sure where and when. My parents are a blessing and not pushing me, the pushing comes from me. In reality it would have been difficult to start a job with so many family obligations to attend to this year, but now I feel I should be able to be more serious about it and won’t have to ask for too many extra days off because of prior commitments.
Keeping faith that God is still in control has helped me along in my process. I am still as stubborn as ever and want things to go my way, but it is much easier to realize, He is in control, my house will sell in His time, my job will come in His time and there is nothing I can do or say to hurry that along. I just sit still, listen and do my small part like putting in applications and answer questions from my realtor. It is strange watching my ship steer itself not knowing where it will lead, but knowing it is going in the right direction. The days and night are long waiting to see land and sometimes my mind goes where it shouldn’t, but eventually it comes back and I see the prize and realize my father has my best interest at heart and I can trust Him.
I want too many things and not enough of the things He wants. This is the part which is hard for me, I once was bound but now I am free but sometimes still living as a bound person. I am not saying being married bound me, my choices bound me. I am now trying to hear better choices for my life and giving up the reigns is hard. (I understand I spelled reins as the way you do when referring to ruling and yes the wordplay is meant as such.) I want to rule my life so badly, but I think if I let go and ask my wonderful Counselor for advise this time, things may go the way they should go instead of the way I steered them. I rowed my boat, it was hard, now I want a boat with rudder and sails to go faster and be taller in the water so I may see further ahead and be seen in return. A different path for me, I even find myself consciously making opposite choices on silly things such as clothes. If I am drawn to a certain style or color, I look for the opposite and go that way sometimes. I am training myself to think another way.
So you see, I am in training of sorts, I feel like I am doing nothing, but I am. Silent, life altering training takes time and I am blessed by God to be able to get this time even though I feel as though I should be out doing something. It is a slow steady process since it takes a long time to turn a ship this big. Funny how my choices make for a big lumbering ship, yet the boat I rowed my life in was a small life raft. The irony of all this ship talk and my choice to join the Navy makes me laugh. Perhaps I really was meant to be a sailor. This sailor went to Sea to see what she could See....
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