Hinds Feet, Familiar Places

This morning on my new morning walking routine in the woods out behind our neighborhood, Millie and I saw a beautiful deer. Well actually we saw her running away from us as we interrupted her nice quiet morning. “As the hind longs for the running waters, so my soul longs for you O God” Ps 41:2. I wish she knew we were there for the same reason, peace beside restful running waters. The restful running waters being a drainage ditch but hey beggars can’t be choosy, it is still water.  I love deer. I have always taken them as a wink from God and even though it ran from me, I know it was there and will be back again. Just knowing there are deer around makes me feel better. Don’t ask me why, maybe because it’s familiar to me I guess. I used to see deer many times in my old backyard and for a short season two precious fawns played in the field across the street while their mama stood watching.  I enjoyed this interplay of man and wildlife co existing in the same neighborhood and still do.

I remember while in Ireland striking up a conversation with a couple from Brussels. They were there to take a green vacation to Ireland and were planning one to America because their city has no forests, it is surrounded by concrete. They were in pursuit of nature and the beauty of a quiet woods, grassy field and small furry animals scampering about. So it must be instinctual to crave it as I do and I take pleasure in being immersed in it when I can. I know many people crave the beach and I love the beach too, but only in the early morning or late evening when there are no people to distract from the songs of the waves. Since my dance with skin cancer I had best stick with the cool shady wooded areas anyway. Dappled sunlight suits me best as the forests songs seem more compatible with my soul.

Tomorrow is September and still I have no job, Lord what plans do you have for me? I wonder where you will have me to go and what I will do. I will continue to apply to places, but I refuse to worry because I know there is a place for me somewhere, just waiting on you. Just so you know, the waiting is easier now. I trust and will not be frustrated and I think it is because I had a cushion of family to fall on. I hope to find a church this month at least and a place to plug into and think I will make this a goal of mine. I need a place to volunteer and pour out again. It seems forever since I gave out.  It is time; I trust myself again and think it will be good for me.

That step into the woods was good for me and the confirmation with our deer companion was such an added blessing and I know as long as I seek you in the quiet, I will be okay. I have been so used to having my house alone to pray, scream, or praise and You sent me to once again seek quiet in the outside of my house. It is funny how being around people makes you act differently whether you want to or not. I listen out for mom or dad to call to me or ask me something just as I used to listen out for my children when I sat to pray before the house emptied out and Millie was the only one left with me. I am not saying it is a bad thing because it isn’t, it is just another adjustment. I think how much better I could have spent those solitary moments now that they are gone again. It is fine, I need to get back into the world again and this is fine, but again I marvel at how many times we must adapt. I am so blessed to be able to be able to adapt. It is how it is supposed to be.

I never felt alone when I had that time alone, because I always knew Steve would come home to fill the house with noise again. I made adjustments to things then and so did he. He was in solitude on the truck as much as I was at the house but we talked on the phone so much we lived together on the phone. When that connection was taken, the alone time I treasured so much changed. For the first few months after Steve died I was fine with it, I enjoyed being alone, naked in my raw emotions, with only God and Millie to see. I didn’t have to stop to answer a question or be accountable to anyone. Then as I started to crave human interaction change happened again. I could only take it incrementally like putting my toe into the water and eventually larger crowds were alright too. By the time I decided to leave my house the silence had gotten too loud and was pushing me away and I needed family around to fill my mind with new possibilities and hope. I wanted to be important to someone again and wanted my presence to be a blessing to people again. I felt so dirty with grief if that makes sense. It is like people could smell my sadness no matter how much perfume I put on. Finally I think the odor of grief has lifted and it took all those steps I took to get here.

Perhaps this caterpillar is emerging from her cocoon and I hope to be a butterfly, but moths do love to fly close to the light and I will fly as close to the light of my Jesus as I can get. However I emerge moth or butterfly both can soar into the sky and their perspective is much higher than that of a caterpillar. Here’s to soaring higher than before and being so light and airy that the wind will carry me where it wishes and I will be glad to go. I can adapt to anything because I have been prepared and tested. My strength is returning and I don’t feel fragile anymore. It is such a nice feeling.  I am blessed to have had the time to grieve and to receive healing specifically designed for me at the perfect time. Thank you God, thank you family, thank you friends.