Backlash

Well now the busyness of my life is pretty much over. It has been 18 days since my son was married and life is still moving forward. Laugh as you might, the practice cry sessions (cry runs) worked pretty well because I didn’t shed as many tears as I could have. I laughed most of the weekend and the joy of having family around me for such a perfect celebration drowned out the sorrow part and allowed the memories of Steve to ease out of our mouths without the taint of sorrow to erase our joy. It was amazing watching our family celebrate together and not worry too much about measuring our words while sharing a memory as we have done this past year.  I didn’t fall to pieces and neither did our children and I feel we honored him by being strong and moving on with gladness in our hearts.

Seeing my children together, loving each other and enjoying each other’s company filled my heart so completely. It reassured me that despite everything we have gone through, we raised good and loving children and I am proud of them. They did a wonderful job being attentive to everyone while bringing joy to our guests with their karaoke antics. My siblings were also there supporting us in every way possible as were my mom and dad as always.  My complete family joy cup truly began to run over when my extended family of Ya ya’s arrived to dip their toes in our joyous day. I can only say it was a day of absolute joy for me and I thank God for such a wonderful family. These same people were around me on the worst day of my life and saw me naked and raw experiencing an emotion so foreign to most people that being my deep grief. It is hard to comfort someone in shell shock, but these people managed to close ranks to protect me and my kids. It was so nice to be able to go back to the way life should be run, with the joy of each day as a testimony to life.

Now I will hit the honest button again. I enjoyed the wedding too much, because I would say I had a serious backlash after so much joy. My prior year was geared to getting past all of these first events without Steve and that was the last first of this year so I confess that on the evening before Thanksgiving, I fell to pieces. It was late in the evening when my mind kicked in, nothing more to look forward to, no more diversions to keep my mind busy and from thinking about my present reality. I gave in to a good cry, well it was a little more than a cry. I felt the absence of Steve much more this Thanksgiving and I think it is because I was still in shock last year perhaps. I felt and feel so lonely again, exposed to the holidays I guess because up until three days ago, I felt as though I have been in quicksand. I realize my brain has been working in overdrive as I have struggled to avoid thinking about missing Steve too much. I pushed those feelings away to cope as I missed him at the wedding where I sat alone, without him to turn to or cry with about the beauty of the ceremony. I missed our dance, and him taking care of me. I suppose more reality set in again and it was much more than I had hoped for. You see I have mourned the big stuff I guess it is time for some more little stuff.

I was so disappointed with myself for giving in to this rogue wave of grief. I was blessed that a couple of friends were still up to pull me through a tough night. Nights are the worst still but I don’t usually dwell there, I go to sleep or like tonight I watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I love this show and as I watched it tonight I realize, holidays will come, regardless of how I feel, it is up to me to dig for the joy within so I will not dwell on what I am missing, but what I will receive. It is a time for gift giving and receiving and I have received the best gift ever, a Savior, who felt the pain of death for me. The only gift I have to give to Him is to appreciate my life and everything in it. That includes the fact that I have experienced the pain of grief so I can be a comfort to others one day perhaps. Who am I to dwell in the dark places when the light of the world is at hand? I have once again made a choice to be joyful, when I truly don’t feel it but I know the feelings will catch up with the facts. I have a great life and I still have Steve even though I can’t see him, he is still a part of my life I just can’t see him. I just have to keep reminding myself life goes on and so must I and that is the hard part when it is so easy to sit down and feel sorry for myself.

So there it is, the yuck of my emotional garbage for another day. Filter through it and see that although I may moan and complain, neither gets me anywhere might I add, I am still moving forward and working it out one day at a time. I was so paralyzed by the negative that I couldn’t blog. I could not physically lift my fingers to blog about how miserable I was because I was too miserable to do anything and this is the first sighting of land since I was tsunamied by that rogue wave and set adrift. I do know this, that no matter how long I float, someone will spot me or land will be nearby and I will paddle like crazy to find people again. Isolation is the devil’s playground sometimes and it is not very good for me at all. Yes I had those thoughts again, and yes I danced with them but in the end, I left sane and sober. I bind my mind to my new spouse and He will always rescue me. Whew. So Merry Christmas everyone, bring it on. I will be so merry you may think I hit the eggnog too hard.