Steve? Really?

So I decided to join a singles group to start networking and getting to know other people in this town. Most people I know are couples and being the third wheel isn’t too fun and the truth is I just want to hang out with people and have things to do. I went to my first meeting last Tuesday night and had a nice time playing cards and interacting with total strangers. Deciding that they appeared to be a fun group I went for a second outing to karaoke the Thursday after. Of course I didn’t sing, but watched and got to meet a few more people from our group who were not at the meeting on Tuesday and found out I might be the baby of the group. To be honest I had told my mom when I left that I may be home sooner than later if it is only a group of boring old people. No one was more surprised than I was that I stayed and had a fun time.

Now I will share with you the most confusing and unexpected thing that happened to me. A man who wasn’t at Tuesday’s meeting started talking to me and guess what his name was? Yes it was Steve.  I was doing fine with the fact that his name was Steve until he asked me out to dinner and then all I could think of was that his name is Steve. I think I had an out of body experience while I  was l processing that because I saw myself tell this very nice man I wasn’t ready to date yet.  I guess I was in shock because I was totally freaking out that his name was Steve. The last man to invite me out to dinner was my Steve and figure the odds that the first man to ask me out when I wasn’t even going to this group as a hook up place was Steve.  What craziness and then I couldn’t focus anymore I had a brain freeze and I needed to leave. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. This was not what I signed up for, dating? No way, not yet but his name is Steve. Do you get how freaked I was and still am because all I can think about is Steve warning me or laughing at me? Of all the Joes, Tom’s and Alan’s out there I run into a Steve on my second outing I know God is laughing but I am just dazed and confused. I wonder if I was rude to this man during my moment of shock and made him feel uneasy, I sure hope not but I really couldn’t think.

So I shared this with my friends and most of them say I should go to dinner and my daughter pretty much said no way that I wasn't ready yet. I agree with her and hope I handle myself better if the situation comes up again. I must live in a bubble, what did I expect? Well I have hung out with married women, or widowed women who were safe for so long and never thought about being asked out again, ever. I just assumed the world knew this about me. So yes I guess it might happen again someday, and I will be more prepared and won’t be running around bumping into things in my haste to escape the uneasiness of the question I can’t even bring myself to type. You know that thing men ask women out on, dare I type the word Date? Well would it even be considered a date since all my friends say it was only dinner. Maybe it wasn’t even a date and I made the assumption yet again and it was a dinner meeting.  Who knows what it was it all happened too fast.

So here’s another reason I am not ready I think, I am scared to death at the prospect of going out with a stranger alone. I have been safe inside my marriage for so long I forgot how it was to be carefree and fun and not cautious and skeptical. I need some mace I guess since my big knife weighs down my purse too much. A gun is out of the question. There goes my crazy head again. I forgot all this stuff because I never thought I would need to access that part of my brain again. I was so comfortable in my world; I didn’t have to work so hard. Steve knew what I was going to say most of the time before I knew what I would say so now if I ever choose to date, I will have to go through all that getting to know you stuff again and I just don’t know if I can do it again. Yes I am afraid to go through all the teenage dating garbage again the rejection, the excitement, the let downs, and the fun. Fun brings me back to the reason I joined this group. I don’t mind sharing with other women so I guess I have to take the men on too if I want to have any fun.

Fun? This single life will be a lot harder than I expected if I keep thinking I am married. I forget most of the time that I am no longer married. It had been so comfortable and natural to be married all those years and not to have to think about the prospect of going out to dinner with a man who is not my husband. Sigh, I wasn’t looking for Steve either when he came along. I wanted to have fun then and travel the world but my clock was ticking and I fell for him and our life didn’t end up like we had planned. This time there is no clock, just the shock of it all that someone would ask me out. I can’t help but laugh at myself. I forgot where I was in my life. I am back at the beginning again a bit more frightened yet excited about what lies ahead thirty years later but still fun loving and curious. I will ride a Harley with someone before I die, bet you didn’t know that was on my bucket list. The ride may be fun who knows but first I have to find someone with a Harley willing to let me take a ride. I just have to get out of the routine of my old life and get out there and enjoy what life I have left. Who knows I may even go skydiving one day. (Tandem diving kids, don’t worry I am not that crazy yet.) Life might be interesting after all wink, wink.