My week with Hannah is over and I had so much fun but admit that I’m pretty tired. She kept me busy and exhausted the whole week but this was God’s divine plan I guess. I saw the storm of the week coming months ahead of time, I prepared the best I could and I rode it out as perfectly as God could have planned for me. I didn’t have time to think, react or even be melancholy. It is now the day after and my life is a vacuum now and only now do I have time to think and it is settling in. I did nothing to commemorate the death of my husband, Steve and I wonder should I have done something? I don’t know how this widow stuff works. Should I have spent some time at a church or with family and friends having a drink at least?
I went to the zoo with Hannah, my parents and my sister and my niece Julia and enjoyed the day much more than I should have. Is that bad? It was a wonderful day of mourning and I know if Steve were here he would have loved the way I spent the day. Watching those two toddlers squealing madly while running as fast as their little legs could carry them into a resting flock of birds naturally causing them to take flight made me laugh on this day of tears. I would much rather laugh than cry wouldn’t you? It was a good memory made on that dreaded day and I would say I repurposed that anniversary day as a fun zoo day with the girls. Maybe I will plan something fun on that day from here on out to make it a day to look forward to instead of looking backwards. I will reclaim the day while celebrating love of family.
I will say that the first thought I had that morning when I woke up was how oblivious I was a year ago about how my life was about to change so drastically. We have no clue do we what each day will bring? I still had Steve at the time I arose that October morning a year ago but quickly became concerned because he didn’t answer my phone calls. I had started to get worried but knew I was probably overreacting as I often did. I explained it away telling myself he was probably extremely tired and couldn’t hear his phone. Why not it had happened so often before but this morning I was more concerned. I was going to give him a couple more hours then I planned to call his dispatcher just to put my mind to ease. Then Hannah woke up and I quit thinking about it. I had flashbacks a several times throughout my day, mostly whenever I looked at a clock. I saw the sheriff officers faces again as they told me about Steve, I saw my friends at my house, and my family coming home, but there is still so many lost moments of that day that I can’t recall. Why did I want to remember so badly? At the end of the day I spent some time in my bed reflecting, trying to push away thoughts of where I was a year ago in bed with my daughter crying ourselves to sleep.
I heard from all my children that day also and because we were at the zoo when everyone called, I had no time to really go to the sad place because I was chasing Hannah around. Talk about a well thought out plan to keep my mind busy. It really was pretty nearly a perfect day. I am amazed at the strength of my children through all of this. Their love has really been a blessing and a testament to the love Steve and I shared. They are so caring and have been so patient and helpful to me and strong for me when I felt weak. I say my children I want you to know that this includes my daughters in law including my very soon to be one also. Life really does go on and we must go on too. This is why I know Steve would have loved how the anniversary day was spent. Where there is sorrow, joy is the medicine and I had my joy. Hannah was the joy in both of our lives and he enjoyed watching me love on Hannah. Sometimes while I was holding her I would catch him watching us across the room and he would mouth I love you to me as he took in the joy on our faces as we loved on each other. It was as if he knew she would be the balm for my soul one day. His face often showed mixed emotions of pain and joy and I noticed it most when I held her. I thought it was because we didn’t get to see her as much as we wanted to due to the distance from our home but as hindsight gnaws at me I wonder, did he see further than I did?
When I saw him in the casket, I saw a smirk on his face like he knew something I didn’t. He was so peaceful then and I wondered how he could be so peaceful when I was such a mess. I was so mad at him but thank God I am at peace now I think. It has been a year and I survived, and then some and am starting a new life. I will live it as full as before because I know Steve always only wanted the best for me and hated when he did anything to cause me pain. He was the most generous person I knew and am so glad I had 29 years with him. I can’t wait to see him again and tell him all the things I have done since last we saw each other. He will be so proud of our family. My darling, I cry a little but it is only because I miss you and can’t wait to see you again. It hardly hurts at all anymore we are doing well this year after. I never would have believed I could feel good again, but I do. ILYM my darling!
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