Has it been a year already?

I started blogging last year wondering had it been three weeks already since my husband died and here I am a year later still wondering where the time goes when you are not looking. Has it been a year already? I am amazed at the ground I have covered and that the busyness of my life has kept “that day” and “that month” at bay. I am forced to face tomorrow morning when I wake up though. Tomorrow will be one year later from the worst day of my life. It can also be said that one year ago a new way of life was forced upon me. However you say it tomorrow will come and go as surely as the time ebbs and flows and the running from “the day” is over.  My mind has adapted and I am a widow and have accepted that stupid word describing what I am right now. Even I know I am much more than that now but I remember how I hated that word last year. Last year that word was nailed to my heart and I was forced to take on this hideous moniker much like The Scarlet Letter except mine was black. I tried to hide, finally gave in and now I don’t give it a second thought usually.

I confess I haven’t looked forward to October at all. It was pretty much the end of the detachment phase that my mind had conveniently set for me. October would be a year after and I felt that was a pretty good time to be done with the big grieving and felt that I must let it all go. I fought this inner battle so hard and for so long because every thought of letting go meant abandoning Steve and our life together. I suppressed it and tried not to think of this month or that day nearly every day for a year so it pretty much got lost in my busy life but now it is here.

Have you ever had a dream where you are running from something and you just wear yourself out running all night? Most therapists would say to try to become aware that you are dreaming somewhere in the dream, stop running and turn around and face what is coming. So tonight I stand vigil and turn and face tomorrow and the memories which will shadow everything I do tomorrow. I am blessed because I am taking care of my beautiful granddaughter for this week and it is nearly impossible to be sad with her around. I took great comfort in having her around me last year as well during our one week of mourning together as a family.  Tomorrow I will feel the weight of this last year and as I say my goodbyes to my year of firsts, I know I won’t cry. Who can cry when God has been so good to me all year?

Unfortunately my darling grandson, Brennan, has had some health issues since his birth two months ago and I am watching my granddaughter Hannah for them while his mother takes him to some doctor’s appointments this week. I will say it took absolutely no arm twisting at all to get me to jump in to help. I know Ryan and Shannon are missing Hannah but I appreciate their sacrifice for giving her over to me for this week of all weeks. I know it was a hard decision for them to make but it worked together for the good of us all I hope and poor little Brennan’s will get well in the process.

I have been bathed in love by God through Hannah and my soul has leapt so much that it has nearly left my body on several occasions.  Hannah is a master at squealing with pure delight and it does my heart good when she does it just because she is excited to be with me. It is as if she is so overloaded with joy that it just bursts out in squeals and giggles.  No one has ever shown love to me like that ever. I love to watch her run and laugh in the back yard and explore every nook and cranny at the playground. I love listening to her sing and question everything constantly seeking knowledge. She is a pure bundle of joy. Heaven knows what tomorrow will bring when my parents and I take Hannah to the zoo, but it can only be wonderful. She has been a miraculous protection against the sadness tomorrow should bring to me but won’t because joy comes in the morning and her name is Hannah. I am so blessed.

So you see, I am sad, yet when I face tomorrow with my secret weapon of joy, it will diffuse any assaults of pity which will be lurking in the shadows. Hannah will squeal them away and the sound of our laughter will lighten all the dark areas of grief. You are not forgotten my love, you have just left us for a little while and we will all see you again soon. In the meantime I will continue to take comfort in our family and move forward in my life because it is best for me and I know it is what you want for me. It is a month of closing doors of our old life, darling. Last week I closed on our house and this week is the last first with the exception of a wedding next month.   I don’t remember much about my first fall without you last year, but I promise the memories of this fall will be good ones. October isn’t such a dreaded month anymore and I intend to enjoy this, my second fall, without you this year. I miss you, I love you, and am glad to be moving on. I will see you soon my love in God’s precious timing.