Will no one stay awake with me?

It is nice when your mom calls and says she and dad are coming for a visit. I am glad for the visit everyone needs mom and dad from time to time and the “really dids” have hit me pretty hard these past two weeks. All this really did happen and this nightmare is still happening. My parents feel as though they haven’t been here for me enough and really wanted to take me back home with them. Unfortunately I still have doors to close here or I would have been released already. I am waiting on God’s perfect time in my life.

I can relate to the pain Jesus felt in the garden of Gethsemane when he said “Will no one stay awake with me?” I understand His agony, his fear of the pain to come, his loneliness and His grief for his friends who let Him down despite their best efforts to stay awake for Him. It is a hard place for all of us to be in. The times I think I need a hug from a person seems to be when they are the busiest and unable to be here for me. Our lives are full of our own stuff and circumstances and do not allow for our best intentions to be done most of the time. I have failed in that area many times in my life and that is why I am not as upset when it happens to me. I know how hard it is to stay awake and aware of the need for people to stand in solidarity and silent companionship in times of deep grieving. It is not what a person speaks to a grieving person, it is just the nod and recognition that you are there for them that matters most.

I think Jesus just wanted to know the apostles cared about him and wanted to feel their love through a small sacrifice of their time and by being alert for Him. Imagine Jesus crying out in pain and anguish and not a person around to hear him or to rush and put arms around him in comfort. This is the isolation chamber of pain I have experienced here lately. I don’t want people to smother me nor do I want to be an attention grabber, but it is nice to know that if you call out, someone is there to hear and run to offer a hug or head nod of encouragement. It seems during our toughest tests in life there are always obstacles to keep people away from you so you only have God to call on and the angels can run to you and minister to you in the quiet hours of your agony. It is our human emotions and our neediness that makes us crave another’s presence, but it is faith which gets us through the darkest of times. Faith that while others may not hear me cry out, God hears and is there instantly to minister to my pain. This is what keeps us going and keeps me thriving despite my grief.

I am resigned, as Jesus was, to drink from the apportioned cup offered to me. It just took getting to that lowest point in the darkest hour when no one hears you crying in the night but God our Father. Life is just one big obstacle course to God and it boils down to me and Him and the trust that he will always be there helping me through it. He will never let me down, he is always there when I call and he loves me fiercely. He is not weighted down by other duties; I am a priority in His life. He is the ultimate, intimate, loving father we all crave. Once you peel away the grief layers, healing happens because you get to the core of it, God. He is in the middle of everything and still working hard finding creative ways to bring us closer to him so our lives will not be as complicated.

I must say publically that I love my family and friends. You have all played your roles well in my healing. I am so blessed to have you in my life and glad you didn’t run to me when I fell. It is perhaps the most difficult role to play in this process of healing. Do not feel guilt or shame, it is what had to happen. I know I have played this role in other’s lives as well. I feel I dropped the ball, but in reality it always works to the good of those who love the Lord, right? God is good to cover my mistakes and yours too. We just need to be quick to forgive those who trespass against us including our own selves. I trespass against myself daily.

 I am more attuned to pain right now in this present time of my life and pray I never fall asleep again. My intentions are to move on and always be there for my friends and family, but be warned I will let you down, I am human. I will ask forgiveness and move on the best I can. It is what I have learned to do. I will not hold a grudge or take an offense, because it does no one any good. I will be there for you the best way I can as you have been for me. I accept your help and love and hope you will accept mine. Jesus had an ace up His sleeve, he was God and man, I am only a woman, so I can’t do the super holy righteous stuff perfectly but I will do what I am called to do, how I am called to do it and ask forgiveness seventy times seven thousand times along the way. I am awake for now, and hope to remain that way, but I know the world gets in your eyes like the sandman, and makes you drowsy. I am watching out for him though and I say get behind me now, I need to be awake.

C'mon Spring

You know when I first started to blog about all this death and widow stuff, I felt so much better. It is a way to release what is inside like silent screaming, but nothing feels as good as actually screaming. I confess I always thought screaming was so drama queen or too macho, just stuff you see in the movies. My pride has kept me from letting it out until now. I was too embarrassed for people to see me. You may ask by whom because I am alone in my house, but you never know who can hear from the street and I may be somewhat paranoid. Letting it out and crying publically is a form of drawing attention to you and I never want that to happen. It only makes people feel helpless and uncomfortable. A friend called me on this today as we were sharing on the phone this morning she said I was allowing pride to enter into my grief. I thought I was just looking out for my friends by not subjecting them to my pain or need to nurture me. I don’t want to be the drag of the party when we are together. She told me sometimes you need arms around you and that I have to stop pushing them away because I am not allowing them to do their part in my healing.

She knows what she is talking about since she lost her son a few years back. We have been through some tough times together, mostly on her side, and now that it is my time to be a mess I find myself welcoming her counsel. It amazes me how God has put me in the midst of friends who have lost loved ones within the last five years. We are all in a club of sorts and I am the newest member. Being on this side of it has been very hard, not only because of the pain of it but the receiving love and attention from others. I find the role reversal very disconcerting, but I think I am learning both ends of this now, at least for the moment.

 I love to see the strength my friend now has because of her adversity and knowing she could never be as strong without having gone through so much pain. That goes for all of my friends who have shared tragedies as well. We must need to have some pain to grow and I am in a growth spurt right now. Growing pains is what they used to call it, it is a phantom pain of sorts but still there, none the less. I ached because I have lost a part of me and the phantom pains still send signals to my brain. If I cauterized it altogether I may never feel Steve again and I never want that to happen. He was a part of me and still is although amputated from my life but his place still remains as though he is there. I will learn to suppress the pain, but I can bring it up whenever I want to.

Steve always talked about leading an extraordinary life and he is doing that now. His superpower is to be invisible and still inflict pain and don’t think that is a cruel statement because I know he would be laughing at it right now. The pain his memories cause also brings growth to my life and forces me to push through and become stronger than I ever thought I could be. My pain and fear is lessened when feeling his presence through those phantom pains and knowing our love is still alive, but on another level. The fears of forgetting him, not loving him enough and what is to become of me without him become less of an issue the stronger I become. I see the strength of my friends who have been through this and the wisdom they have gained and their strength is enormous. I recognize the high price they paid for such growth and am starting to embrace my reality and I am growing daily even though I feel dormant.

Some days it doesn’t feel like I am growing, but even some plants grow in the dark, so on my dark days, I trust there is growth. But the days I am out of the darkness, in the sunlight and out in the public, I seem to radiate and I feel leaps and bounds growth. It is an effort some days to get out of the house, but when I do it is so rewarding. In my weakened state my mourning closet, (my empty house) has provided me with the safety and privacy that I needed to continue growing uninterrupted. Some days I feel as though I have overdosed on mourning, but I trust God knows when I will be strong enough to remove me and will set me out in the sunshine permanently with the rest of the plants so I may take off in my growth and produce bigger fruit.

I fell in the fall, died in winter and am praying to rise in the spring. Come spring so I may walk among the flowers in your garden of life and grow again. I am itching to grow. It is funny how God has shown me three analogies of His divine love and presence. He is a doctor as I withdraw from the addiction of my life and a Master Gardener as I grow in wisdom, knowledge and understanding of this whole process. He is also my spouse to call on when I am lonely or have a need. I am so glad to call Him doctor, gardener and spouse, but I love to say Daddy most of all. It is when I call on daddy that I know it will all be okay because what father doesn’t know what is best for His child. I trust you Daddy but I want to go out and play now. He smiles at my suggestion knowing my time is soon, yet I think it is time now. Sigh, you win, I will watch from the window, until it is your perfect time. I guess I need another margarita.

The Weak of Mourning

Well in the dwelling places there will be pain just so you know. The last couple of days being the worst of days crying like a baby at a mere thought. I had begun to wonder if I was losing it but realize my sweat lodge was beginning to work. I spoke of self medicating on Saturday and I did with stupid mindless movies and games on my computer. If my mind was not engaged, I bawled, so the only way to combat that and give myself a rest was to escape to what I had available to me. I had thought about taking the alcohol approach to self medicating, fortunately the vodka had nothing to buddy with it to make it taste good proving once again to myself I am not an alcoholic. I was not desperate enough to drink it straight. Here’s the funny part, I bought the cheap vodka to make homemade Kailua as a gift for a friend which I never got around to. I had drunk the last of the orange juice that very morning. God had once again gone before me and protected me from that.

Another old standby I usually reach for is chocolate and my cupboards are bare there too, so He once again protected me from a chocolate overdose that I may not have recovered from. Imagine eating so much chocolate you would never want it again. Whew that was close and just as we stand at what will become one of the worst shortages the world has ever known pretty soon, cocoa. I read this on the internet and my inner hoarder kicked in as I plotted how much I needed to buy after Valentine’s Day when it goes half price of course, to get me through. Then it hit me, I don’t need it. I survived this weekend without it.

My first Valentine’s Day without a valentine in over 30 years, at first I was sad still maybe I am but I learned so much on this day. I was out in town doing errands and three separate times God dropped a valentine in my hands. Two of them were in ways of just His favor and another was I needed air in my tires. This was a job Steve did and I went to the station he always parked at and aired my tires at before. I drove up to the place they directed me to thinking Oh God what if I over fill them and they pop right here? I never did this with a car before, just a bicycle. As I drove up to the pump, another man whizzed in next to me obviously in a hurry. As I removed the cap from my tire I went to reach for what I thought was the air. He grabbed the other hose and started towards my car. I was turning towards my car with what I thought was the air hose and he informed me it was the water. He filled my tire for me. God had gone before me, before I could make the mistake of filing my tire with water. I laughed at this thought in my head even though I know it would never have happened but just the picture of it got me to giggling about it. What a nice way for God to show me on this day of love that He is my ultimate Valentine for all the ages.

I understand the world’s hype of the holidays but Steve and I made up our own holidays. While the world celebrated Valentines on that hyped up day, we celebrated the day after. We laughed about being able to get twice the gifts at the same price. The fun part was while everyone else was stressed about getting the day right, we pushed it forward and took control of that holiday and made our own secret day of love. It started when we didn’t have lots of money and we laughed about our secret stupid practical day of love. We always wished each other a Happy Valentine’s day and did all the would you be mine stuff on Feb 14th but we couldn’t afford the junk they offered for that day so we made up our own rules. We loved each other and had Valentine’s Day throughout the year, just as we had Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. It is just a day the world sets aside; we were comfortable in our love for each other enough to overcome the marketing of the holidays. We were bigger than a day and so was our love. There were 2 anniversaries we shared with each other at Wally world in the anniversary card section. We chose the cards we would have bought for each other had money not been an issue. We exchanged our cards, had a laugh and a hug and kiss and proceeded to shop for groceries for our family. We weren’t cheap, it was perhaps two of the most romantic anniversaries we had.

As I sort through my love for Steve and our love together and try to allow God to take his place as my spouse I see love never fails. It really is the greatest of all the gifts and attributes of God. I need love, we all do and I am so grateful to have it from family and friends. It was in the alone time of this past week I couldn’t feel the love from anyone. I really felt the void of human companionship and it hurt badly and I felt so weak so defeated. It was during this time of pain when the love of God rushed in and allowed me the time to be naked before Him and mourn as I needed to. It wasn’t pretty, it was ugly like having DT’s but it was what I needed. My Irish had kicked in and I realized how much stuffing and swallowing I had done trying to be strong and proud but in my show of strength I got weakened. This is when God was able to come in and in my weakness He was my strength and we mourned together for a week.

A weak week as I have grown to think of it. I screamed, I bawled and I sang as I mourned my husband, his life, my life, our life. I mourned my house, my friends and what was to be my future. I in turn was able to celebrate my life and future life, my new friends and new place God has in store for me. I not only mourned, I cried out in Thanksgiving for God going before me for everything I needed and my future needs. Even today He was before me on 3 separate matters and I didn’t have to fret anything. He is my caretaker and I am so blessed. I felt so primal by letting it all hang out in the privacy of my home and not having to disturb anyone or distress anyone else. I felt safe and secure doing it all here and not in front of anyone else but Millie who thinks I am nuts by the way. I guess I will be here until I am done. That sure was a big fat layer of healing this weak surely I must be almost done. I cried so much that when I cried tears wouldn’t come out. I just made the ugly cry face and felt it so deeply. I didn’t know tears could have dry heaves too.

So there you have it the good the bad and the hideous  and I hope it is over because crying is awful. If you’re not crying you want to sleep because your eyes hurt so bad, then you can’t sleep because your mind keeps racing so you get up and play stupid games until your eyes nearly fall out of your head. I can’t imagine mourning with a hangover so thank you for sparing me that added pain Lord. Mourning sucks, but you just got to do it to get through it to move on. I am so grateful for my private mourning chamber and perfect doctor to see me through. I still feel as weak and vulnerable as I did during those first days after Steve's death.  Another corner turned I hope. My life definitely is not square because I have turned more than four corners, or perhaps it is that I am circular and going around the same four corners just rounding them off a bit each time I turn them. Wow that was deep time to get back to the sweat lodge for some chocolate reward. It is Valentine’s day right and that means I should love myself extra today?

Busy Sitting

Well today started out the same as the whole week, I was home waiting for my life to move on to the next level. So far this week I have been dealing with many memories from our past together starting with when we dated, were married, had kids up until the point of Steve’s death. It has been very healing and quite frankly I had been pretty impressed at the lack of tears. I took this to mean I was and am at a good place in my healing. I can no longer hide behind the busyness of getting this house ready to sell and am allowing myself the opportunity to face my life.

I feel as though I have released, forgiven and have made peace. Today was pretty much the same until I started to cry and couldn’t stop for 2 hours. I believe it was all those pent up emotions being released from me. I really hope I am done. How many tears can one body hold or shed? I am amazed it is still happening although it is not a daily thing anymore for which I am so glad. I have only had the few pictures of Steve out around the house, the rest are in the shed packed up. Today I went through lots of pictures of us and our family and there are so many pictures of Steve. I will always have them to look at and I hope in the future they get less painful to view.

I don’t think of it as torturing myself, I am confronting what I have ignored for too long I guess, something I needed to do. I have been avoiding allowing my mind to settle on a memory too long because I didn’t want the pain. Bittersweet, I love the sweet but not the swollen eyes, stuffed up nose and overall weak feeling from crying too much. I may as well be sick because it pretty much wipes you out and I have been too busy to be sick up until now.

 So I guess God knows me and figures it is a good time to dwell in those painful places alone with Him. It is bad yet so good for me. I am feeling stronger and better already although a bit sleepy. I am incrementally healing at a pace designed for me and me alone. I made pretty good progress this week even though I feel like I have done nothing but sit around and physically doing nothing. My mind has been doing all the work and it wants to sleep so my eyes will stop burning. But no I don’t want to stay in the bed forever; I want to move on because I have started wondering what it is I will be doing. I am hopeful for my future and have tried to move forward without dealing with the past as I have been doing this week.

What is the next step? I hope it is about moving on and moving out of my house. I will have to just sit and wait again, and this is really the hardest part. Sitting still is the best thing for me right now even though everything is screaming at me to run, get busy and it will all go away. I am sitting still but I am very busy.

February 6th

I am now sitting with an elderly woman at a nursing home, she has Alzheimer’s and her husband doesn’t. He has other health issues and is unable to care for her any more at home. For the first time they are separated and they have been married nearly 60 years. He is her life and vice versa and it pains me when she asks where her husband is several times today. What got me crying was when the pastor came in and gave her the other half of the communion wafer he had given to her husband just a short while before in his rehab facility. I confess my jealousy at their timeless love which has lasted much longer than our short 29 years. Except for the nursing home part, I had envisioned us living to that old age together and it just really hit me I will not have that. 

 Do I just sit here and wait for my life to happen? Do I ever plan or organize because what fun is that when God will have His way with me anyway?.  I am trying to trust God for my life. I am sitting in my living room waiting on the people who already looked at my house once (the day after I dreamed of Steve for the first time since his death), to come back today. I have shared this information with only a few close friends, but while praying about all this, I begged God for a directional word for me and I heard Him say February 6 you will know something about your house. I looked at my calendar and said “Really on a Sunday?” and doubted the word immediately. Now back in November I heard Him say February I would sell my house but had really set that aside as hopeful wishful thinking not giving much credence because of my state of mind.

The young man asked me on the phone which would be the best time this weekend to come look at the house again and I said Sunday after lunch since I had set aside this weekend as another work weekend with my painting Nazi. Still I doubted but continued to work. It wasn’t until later while getting ready for my sitting job, I realized Sunday was February 6. I started to bawl and pray and thanked God. I told my inner circle of friends about the date  but no one else. I don’t want to make a fool out of me or God and I am so frightened I will be let down by Him even though I say and know He is taking care of me, sending me the perfect buyer for our house. He is also taking care of the buyer too answering his prayers for a perfect house for his family. Knowing all this I am ashamed that my faith is still so weak as I stand with knees shaking and boast of God's goodness and expect the miracle I have spoken of to occur.

Wow, now I know how the prophets or evangelists have felt. I am mostly fearful that this “prophecy” may be self motivated by my inner desires to move on and wanting things on my time table. I am really testing God’s existence and His faithfulness and I am petrified by that. If it doesn’t happen, I will still love Him and know he loves me enought to send me the perfect buyer, but I will continue to question my ability to hear from Him. I do not have the faith I think I have or want to have. I am not trying to have God pull a rabbit out of the hat, but I want to prove  to myself right now that I hear from Him and He speaks to me, really. I am typing this and praying all at the same time. I will post this immediately after I hear the good news today from this young man who wants to buy this house. I do not have the courage to post before it happens so you will see the time stamp. It will be after 2 pm today.

I am so anxious to move on. There is a new feeling I am feeling and it is excitement for what is in store for me. I feel such a joy and peace as never before except for the fear that I didn’t hear correctly  from God. It was as if that dream or visitation I had about Steve 2 weeks ago gave me a release and a peace I haven’t had since October 19^th. I am not grieving anymore; I am celebrating my new life. I miss Steve terribly, but I am at such peace about where he is and I really have turned a big corner in my mourning process. I am at peace and can say this and mean it. What are we to do now God? I am excited and expectant.

Ok so the people who God sent to buy my house just left and they want it. They don't know if they can get financing so I am praying for them to be able to get their miracle too and God will work miraculous financing for them. I am as excited for them as I am for me. We are back again in God's timing so I will try to be patient. God you are bigger than financing and I pray for this loving family whom you want to have our house. I know they will love it as we have loved it. Yeah God, I wait on you.