You know when I first started to blog about all this death and widow stuff, I felt so much better. It is a way to release what is inside like silent screaming, but nothing feels as good as actually screaming. I confess I always thought screaming was so drama queen or too macho, just stuff you see in the movies. My pride has kept me from letting it out until now. I was too embarrassed for people to see me. You may ask by whom because I am alone in my house, but you never know who can hear from the street and I may be somewhat paranoid. Letting it out and crying publically is a form of drawing attention to you and I never want that to happen. It only makes people feel helpless and uncomfortable. A friend called me on this today as we were sharing on the phone this morning she said I was allowing pride to enter into my grief. I thought I was just looking out for my friends by not subjecting them to my pain or need to nurture me. I don’t want to be the drag of the party when we are together. She told me sometimes you need arms around you and that I have to stop pushing them away because I am not allowing them to do their part in my healing.
She knows what she is talking about since she lost her son a few years back. We have been through some tough times together, mostly on her side, and now that it is my time to be a mess I find myself welcoming her counsel. It amazes me how God has put me in the midst of friends who have lost loved ones within the last five years. We are all in a club of sorts and I am the newest member. Being on this side of it has been very hard, not only because of the pain of it but the receiving love and attention from others. I find the role reversal very disconcerting, but I think I am learning both ends of this now, at least for the moment.
I love to see the strength my friend now has because of her adversity and knowing she could never be as strong without having gone through so much pain. That goes for all of my friends who have shared tragedies as well. We must need to have some pain to grow and I am in a growth spurt right now. Growing pains is what they used to call it, it is a phantom pain of sorts but still there, none the less. I ached because I have lost a part of me and the phantom pains still send signals to my brain. If I cauterized it altogether I may never feel Steve again and I never want that to happen. He was a part of me and still is although amputated from my life but his place still remains as though he is there. I will learn to suppress the pain, but I can bring it up whenever I want to.
Steve always talked about leading an extraordinary life and he is doing that now. His superpower is to be invisible and still inflict pain and don’t think that is a cruel statement because I know he would be laughing at it right now. The pain his memories cause also brings growth to my life and forces me to push through and become stronger than I ever thought I could be. My pain and fear is lessened when feeling his presence through those phantom pains and knowing our love is still alive, but on another level. The fears of forgetting him, not loving him enough and what is to become of me without him become less of an issue the stronger I become. I see the strength of my friends who have been through this and the wisdom they have gained and their strength is enormous. I recognize the high price they paid for such growth and am starting to embrace my reality and I am growing daily even though I feel dormant.
Some days it doesn’t feel like I am growing, but even some plants grow in the dark, so on my dark days, I trust there is growth. But the days I am out of the darkness, in the sunlight and out in the public, I seem to radiate and I feel leaps and bounds growth. It is an effort some days to get out of the house, but when I do it is so rewarding. In my weakened state my mourning closet, (my empty house) has provided me with the safety and privacy that I needed to continue growing uninterrupted. Some days I feel as though I have overdosed on mourning, but I trust God knows when I will be strong enough to remove me and will set me out in the sunshine permanently with the rest of the plants so I may take off in my growth and produce bigger fruit.
I fell in the fall, died in winter and am praying to rise in the spring. Come spring so I may walk among the flowers in your garden of life and grow again. I am itching to grow. It is funny how God has shown me three analogies of His divine love and presence. He is a doctor as I withdraw from the addiction of my life and a Master Gardener as I grow in wisdom, knowledge and understanding of this whole process. He is also my spouse to call on when I am lonely or have a need. I am so glad to call Him doctor, gardener and spouse, but I love to say Daddy most of all. It is when I call on daddy that I know it will all be okay because what father doesn’t know what is best for His child. I trust you Daddy but I want to go out and play now. He smiles at my suggestion knowing my time is soon, yet I think it is time now. Sigh, you win, I will watch from the window, until it is your perfect time. I guess I need another margarita.
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