Decisions

Yesterday I went to a funeral for a truck driver much younger than my husband. He had a stroke or an aneurysm I am not sure  which but it doesn’t really matter, he is gone and his family is devastated. That was the first funeral I have been to since Steve's and it was good to see that there were so many people gathered in that funeral home. I did not know the man, I knew his brother and sister and my heart broke for them. There is nothing to say to them that will comfort the way I wanted to comfort which is take away their pain. More than likely they won’t even remember my presence, but I know they felt the prayers and the love from me as it mingled with the love in that room. My heart aches for them as they begin this wretched process of grief.

Of course it brought back memories of seven months ago and the extraordinary week we had. I say extraordinary because it was filled with so much love and laughter as the memories, tears and love for each other and Steve wrapped around us to console and begin the healing process. I have to say, and this is not judging, I enjoyed our gathering in the comfort of our backyard for the whole week and even on the day of the funeral much better. Call me claustrophobic, but I just wanted to be free from the stuffiness of a funeral parlor where you have to be cornered near the body to receive people. For most people that works but for me it was too much.  I enjoyed being home with my family where Steve always wanted to be but couldn’t due to the nature of his job. That was a good decision for us that we made that week. We are not meant to be in funeral homes. 

That decision was so much easier for me than the one I have to make now. I trust God knows what is best for me so my struggle is whether I am contrary to that. I have to move and up until this point my inner knowing has been God will bring the buyer and I won’t have to get a realtor who will get money I need to live on until I get up and running. I had two buyers one of course found out he had no financing after all and the other just really surprised me to the point of pain. He was going to buy, had the financing and just backed out at the thought of signing a purchase agreement. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and am still trying to understand why this happened. I spent this month trying to figure out what I did wrong and what I need to do to repair my breech with God. Was it even God or was it the enemy? If it was the enemy, why hasn’t God fixed it yet? These are all my questions I have posed during my prayer time and have gotten no response. Then my son called and said I really need to put it on the market and leave. I awoke yesterday saying yes that was a great idea and made the decision to get out will proceed with this tomorrow or sometime this week. I am still hoping for a rescue or as the government would say a bailout.

That said, my struggle is with my hurt and confusion with God right now. If He is my provider and my good husband and my decision maker, why is He not bringing a buyer like I sincerely felt He would, to protect what little money I have? I really don’t want a realtor to have the money I need to help with my move. I want answers to this but am coming up empty, so I just say ok Lord, it really isn’t my money anyway, it is yours. I just feel like I am taking the reins again and I don’t want them. I feel I have sat still long enough and grieved until I could throw up but at this point dry heaves only. I need movement now and I need family. I have more questions than answers right now and I feel a bit in rebellion if I do this because up until this point I have trusted that God will bring a buyer to me, protecting me. I guess this is a crisis in faith I have to work through. I hear all the saints of the past have gone through it not that I am even near being a saint. So during this dark night, I wait some more with my eyes ever searching for the light of day. I know it will come but this darkness is so thick and depressing I am feeling claustrophobic. I need to be outside.

So right now I decide to call the realtor since I have had no other prospects and can't wait forever. I will continue to hold out hope for that crazy bailout, but I know God only wants the best for me and I am clinging to that. I know that even if I jump off this cliff, He is will either catch me or patch me up. I am hoping for the catching part. Dear David, no wonder you wrote so many psalms and danced so much. It is hard sitting still and waiting. Maybe I will dance today too, and no it won't be Zumba it will be something less spastic. Not that Zumba is spastic, just when I do it it is, so I will opt for something more my style, maybe freestyle it a bit. Get ready to laugh Lord, hear I come.