Screaming in the Woods

I asked on Facebook if anyone else felt like running into the woods screaming and a few people replied, confirming that I am not crazy I guess. This is how I feel this week. I have been home for 3 weeks now, never alone always busy just as I had planned, but this week I am alone again and I want to scream. I am house/pet sitting for a friend who will be moving and I have enjoyed the quiet time in this house. Their poor dog Matilida, has many health issues which keeps me close to the house especially if there is the possibility of rain. In Louisiana, that is nearly every day. This morning I realized why I want to scream, the void is closing in on me and I have not escaped my addiction to Steve.
I now realize how many of our conversations were centered around family events and the regular doings of the day. We couldn't be with each other, so we tried our best to bring our daily life to each other by filing our reports on the phone throughout the day. I have picked up the phone many more times being back home, to call Steve and fill him in on how big our nieces are getting, silly things they have said or done or how tall our nephews are and what they are doing in their lives.The worst for me was this past week, not really having Steve to share the great news of Ryan's passing his third and final test to get his pharmacy license. He got the news on his birthday another day we both reflect together on the day the birthday boy/girl was born. I also babysat for our beautiful grandaughter and missed sharing all the bragging about how smart she is with Steve. When she and I were snuggled in the bed together, she saw the picture of Steve and said "my Pere" I gotta say it made me cry, but I knew he would have loved to had that report from me assuring him that she knew who he was even though they barely saw each other.
Yes, things are sinking in slowly, like molasses, but at the pace which does alright for me. This morning as I lay on me bed crying into my pillow, Matilda took Millies place as my prayer dog. She came to me, licked me and just gave me an assuring look that it will be alright. I am amazed that she knew I needed comforting, but then again, dog spelled backward is God so naturally I knew. The void in my life is a deeper relationship with God, then I won't feel so alone all the time. As much as I needed Steve to share so many intimate details of my life with I still never shared everything with him, only God knows all the yucky details things I am too embarrassed to think about or share. So again, the void is in my relationship with Him. I am too used to turning to Steve for comfort and reassurance, old habits die hard. For so many years all we had was each other and he was there for all of it good and bad. My family and friends can hear me and take my mind off of certain issues, but I am afraid Steve was my comforter. Now the tricky part, finding comfort in God alone.
There now, I have screamed into the woods of the internet. I feel purged, I feel alright for now. Don't know or care if anyone hears, just glad for the release of it. Time for prayer.

Lurking Grief

I thought I was doing great. It has been a week since the move back to my hometown and I have been a perfect symbol of moving on. I survived the stress of the move here. I only cried a little bit when I left Selma and a couple of times watching my boys trying to figure out how to put my lifetime of memories into the storage shed and I thought I would have to throw away some more things. I know I shouldn’t cling to them, but I feel lost without the comfort of having some things left as proof. I have my beautiful children, but it is weird the need to cling to what is past. I imagine sometime in the future I will cast them off too, but for now I need to know it is there.

This morning I had my first breakdown in a long time. As usual the shower caused my tears to just pour forth even harder than I expected. I guess it is like singing in the shower, some people only sing there, I cry there and this morning the dam burst. It was like I had been holding my breath and didn’t realize it. I write as this wave finally passes. I thought I had gotten one over on grief but here I am doing what I expected would have happened a week ago when I left Selma and landed in Slidell. I am having a delayed reaction and my brain is once again processing that this is real yet again. Most days I just engage my mind on things so I never dwell on my reality and then something small comes at me like while shopping I see something Steve would like. Grief tends to hit in the small stuff right now. Quiet moments when life is moving at its own pace then a thought flits through my head and I find  myself transported back to the front porch with those two sheriffs telling me Steve died at a gas station from a heart attack. It is a recurring ache like the ankle I broke many years ago. It reminds me from time to time it had been broken but thank God it is not as painful anymore and less frequently.

I look forward to, and may be dead, when the pain will not be as tender. I did have a dream about Steve last night, my second one since he has died. Is that bad? It seems I would dream of him every night. Once again it was a good visit this time not a comfortable visit, a rescue type dream with him and me talking on the phone as we did so often. We spoke our sweet lovers’ code as we said our goodbye’s as I was waking from my dream. Strange I don’t remember ever thinking about the sweet pet name I called to him as I was rousing. He was on a mission though, and I know he was taking care of us. Of course dream interpreting people will relate it all to God and I know this, but it was nice to see Steve’s face as the one doing the rescuing and relating to me through my dream.  I miss that face and as I go through pictures of Ireland for my mom this morning, I thank God for having those pictures, even though I cry, it is good.

So you can see, I am in my next stage of recovery. I will be settling in, busy about the process of car tags, licenses etc. then job hunting. I am so blessed to have a safe place and a roof over my head right now and am not so rushed. No one ever wants to move back with their parents, I never wanted to burden them, but I am so grateful for their open arms in my time of need. Family is so important I feel so for people who don’t have the family I have. Cultivate your family relationships people, they are a life saver in a storm and no one loves you like family.