I asked on Facebook if anyone else felt like running into the woods screaming and a few people replied, confirming that I am not crazy I guess. This is how I feel this week. I have been home for 3 weeks now, never alone always busy just as I had planned, but this week I am alone again and I want to scream. I am house/pet sitting for a friend who will be moving and I have enjoyed the quiet time in this house. Their poor dog Matilida, has many health issues which keeps me close to the house especially if there is the possibility of rain. In Louisiana, that is nearly every day. This morning I realized why I want to scream, the void is closing in on me and I have not escaped my addiction to Steve.
I now realize how many of our conversations were centered around family events and the regular doings of the day. We couldn't be with each other, so we tried our best to bring our daily life to each other by filing our reports on the phone throughout the day. I have picked up the phone many more times being back home, to call Steve and fill him in on how big our nieces are getting, silly things they have said or done or how tall our nephews are and what they are doing in their lives.The worst for me was this past week, not really having Steve to share the great news of Ryan's passing his third and final test to get his pharmacy license. He got the news on his birthday another day we both reflect together on the day the birthday boy/girl was born. I also babysat for our beautiful grandaughter and missed sharing all the bragging about how smart she is with Steve. When she and I were snuggled in the bed together, she saw the picture of Steve and said "my Pere" I gotta say it made me cry, but I knew he would have loved to had that report from me assuring him that she knew who he was even though they barely saw each other.
Yes, things are sinking in slowly, like molasses, but at the pace which does alright for me. This morning as I lay on me bed crying into my pillow, Matilda took Millies place as my prayer dog. She came to me, licked me and just gave me an assuring look that it will be alright. I am amazed that she knew I needed comforting, but then again, dog spelled backward is God so naturally I knew. The void in my life is a deeper relationship with God, then I won't feel so alone all the time. As much as I needed Steve to share so many intimate details of my life with I still never shared everything with him, only God knows all the yucky details things I am too embarrassed to think about or share. So again, the void is in my relationship with Him. I am too used to turning to Steve for comfort and reassurance, old habits die hard. For so many years all we had was each other and he was there for all of it good and bad. My family and friends can hear me and take my mind off of certain issues, but I am afraid Steve was my comforter. Now the tricky part, finding comfort in God alone.
There now, I have screamed into the woods of the internet. I feel purged, I feel alright for now. Don't know or care if anyone hears, just glad for the release of it. Time for prayer.
I now realize how many of our conversations were centered around family events and the regular doings of the day. We couldn't be with each other, so we tried our best to bring our daily life to each other by filing our reports on the phone throughout the day. I have picked up the phone many more times being back home, to call Steve and fill him in on how big our nieces are getting, silly things they have said or done or how tall our nephews are and what they are doing in their lives.The worst for me was this past week, not really having Steve to share the great news of Ryan's passing his third and final test to get his pharmacy license. He got the news on his birthday another day we both reflect together on the day the birthday boy/girl was born. I also babysat for our beautiful grandaughter and missed sharing all the bragging about how smart she is with Steve. When she and I were snuggled in the bed together, she saw the picture of Steve and said "my Pere" I gotta say it made me cry, but I knew he would have loved to had that report from me assuring him that she knew who he was even though they barely saw each other.
Yes, things are sinking in slowly, like molasses, but at the pace which does alright for me. This morning as I lay on me bed crying into my pillow, Matilda took Millies place as my prayer dog. She came to me, licked me and just gave me an assuring look that it will be alright. I am amazed that she knew I needed comforting, but then again, dog spelled backward is God so naturally I knew. The void in my life is a deeper relationship with God, then I won't feel so alone all the time. As much as I needed Steve to share so many intimate details of my life with I still never shared everything with him, only God knows all the yucky details things I am too embarrassed to think about or share. So again, the void is in my relationship with Him. I am too used to turning to Steve for comfort and reassurance, old habits die hard. For so many years all we had was each other and he was there for all of it good and bad. My family and friends can hear me and take my mind off of certain issues, but I am afraid Steve was my comforter. Now the tricky part, finding comfort in God alone.
There now, I have screamed into the woods of the internet. I feel purged, I feel alright for now. Don't know or care if anyone hears, just glad for the release of it. Time for prayer.
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