Blog is so close to some familiar words I have felt in these past nine months those words being blah, and blob and bleck. You can see how enormous my vocabulary is, but truth is I blog because it feels much better than journaling. Journaling, to me, means I must write lots of detail, and write daily. Blogging means I can do what I want, when I want and when I feel like and how I feel like and scream as loud as I can while never making a sound. This is why I blog. It is the loudest silent scream I can make. I feel like a fool screaming into a pillow or alone in the bath tub. So really it is all about feeling foolish for me.
It is also nice because I don’t have to use proper English and can make up my own words, I can make up my own grammatical format and no one except Microsoft Word will correct me. I like having the last word with Word. I feel so empowered when I ignore most of his suggestions. I will confess, he has been right on a couple of occasions for all of you who think it is a total power trip for me and I don’t care about putting something coherent down on paper. If you are reading this blog and want to criticize my grammar, go for it, it is already published and no publisher will reject it because it is out there already. (Heavy sigh inserted right here because I feel free at this moment.)
I encourage blogging, it’s fun, freeing and can be enlightening as I talk through a problem on paper and realize a peace at the end of each blog. After a good blog, I feel more settled in my spirit. Though I never spoke out loud to a person, God was with me as my fingers and mind explored the keyboard and put words to paper pouring out the poison, and replacing it with peace, love and happy thoughts. I have such a difficult time expressing these emotions to people, so I hold it in because I get embarrassed by the attention. It‘s funny, I love when someone feels comfortable enough to unload on me but I hate to be the one unloading. I used to unload quite frequently, but now it seems so senseless. I think my problems too small to burden because in the grand scheme of life, they are. I am just another person struggling with loss and I get by with the help of friends and blogging. The truth is God and I have stuff to deal with, who needs to cross contaminate other people. It is no coincidence when someone comforts me by just a kind word or hug, I don’t need all the fussing.
So yes I blog because I’m happy, I blog because I’m free. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
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