One Pie at a Time

What I once considered waves now seem to be a cream pie in my face. Early in this crazy process of mourning I had waves of emotion and I would ride them out and cry them out bringing me peace in the process and healing. Now those waves are less sweet and more like a pie in my face and I seriously look around for the clowns afterwards. Here is how they happen. I am watching my dad on the couch, playing with my niece and enjoying the sweetness of their playtime, and then I feel extreme sadness as Steve moves into the picture and it's him and Hannah instead of dad and Julia. Is it jealousy, anger, I don’t know, but it ruined the moment I know that. Then there are the many times I am in public, the man and wife holding hands, the grandfather helping his grandchild into a buggy, or just last night watching grandpa and grandson at a ball game. Substitute Steve is always there being inserted, zing, right in the face.  I recognize these “slaps” are dangerous to my soul, and try to “slap” them away, but they always sting me.

As I ponder the why of them, I also know it is probably my mind trying to heal me through it again and I'm in rebellion. I have let too much of Steve go, the house, his name off the title of our car, his clothes, our belongings, familiar surroundings. I figure the easiest thing is to not think of him too much, keep busy and I can forget and move on. My friend has told me I’m trying to normalize too fast. It could be possible, but what is normal? I’m not psycho that’s a plus, not suicidal although those thoughts enter and are swatted away quickly, I’m not addicted to anything legal or illegal (chocolate does not count). So on paper and in my mind I’m fine.  So why do these “zingers” attack me. The feelings that come are not comforting or peaceful. I think I think I've been good about all of this but in my effort to put on a good face stress fractures formed. My life is summed up in my storage shed, Steve is there and I can’t get to him. I packed him up so quickly, running from the pain trying to get to normal.

I am questioning whether mourning can be lessened by faith. I was pretty strong and got through the hard stuff with God’s mantle across my shoulders I thought I was by-passing a few layers and being glad of not having to suffer so.  I guess time is up,  and the fiery darts of the enemy are getting past the armor I have allowed to rust due to my melancholy. Time I get the Brasso out and do some polishing and repair to my armor. It is time to face it have not pulled my weight in my relationship with God, I have unplugged and it is beginning to show.

The best part is I recognize it and can fix it really quick with some minor effort just by turning my eyes upward again. It is so easy to have my eyes pointed on me and what is not right in my life right now, it‘s harder to keep looking upward. Gravity keeps pulling my head down for relief when relief is in the looking upward. Gravity keeps my eyes focused on my issues with the sale of my house, no job, sad life, then one day I see something reflecting off some filth on the ground and have to look up. It is then when revelation hits, look up where things are brightest, clean and endless. The sun shines from above, not up from the ground. I truly am a sunflower and I need the correct amount of sun or I begin to wilt. Light therapy is the way to go.

Good things come to those who wait, and turn their eyes to Heaven. I'm still waiting but I won't just sit idly by and not grow in the process. I am growing and each step of this dreadful grieving brings me one step closer to the fullness in healing I am aiming for. It took over a year for my body to heal from a minor surgical procedure; I imagine and accept finally that it may take over a year for this to happen for me. This was a much deeper cut and the initial recovery time was much longer too. Acceptance is a good step and one I needed to get to. I am here at acceptance finally, I feel like I just reached home in a Hopscotch game, but now I have to turn around and get back the other way the game is not over yet. So I hop, taking it one square and one pie at a time.  I see you clowns!