Forward Progress

I am beginning to enjoy my daily “walk abouts”. I loved Forrest Gump and am beginning to understand the part about him “running” and I believe a “walk about” is just about the same thing only slower.  Since I don’t do running I will walk.  I feel some days I want to just walk until I stop, but living with one’s parents leaves that option out because I know they would worry. Nah, there I go just kidding myself again I really can’t do more than an hour but I want to. During these morning walks I think I am looking to find focus again. At first they were just about doing something, like when you are mad sometimes you just want to hit something, any action seems like a good idea. Yes walking is good for my health, but right now it is also about my mental health mostly and I need forward progress.

I have come a few miles since this time last year and haven’t thought it through too much during my  ignoring it and it will go away stage. I try so hard to focus my mind while I walk but alas, it seems to have a mind of its own too. The first few days I was so serious and diligent about my prayer walking but as I passed the banana peel in the road twice each time my creative mind went straight there. Yes, I wondered if I could actually slip on it. Where did the first gag about bannana peels come from and who first slipped on one. I found myself playing out different scenarios in my head and laughed as I saw myself laid out in the street people looking at me all because I just had to see if I could slip on it. I confess, I had to step on it to seize control over it so I could refocus on the task at hand, prayer and walking. Yes, I think about the strangest things sometimes but then sometimes I hit gold.

I also find my mind wandering to Steve alot as I walk when a place or sound jogs a memory free and I find myself walking a ways down the road with him. Usually it is Ireland but there are other special times from long ago which also pop into my head and I relive them with him. I’m not as sad anymore as I hear him say things I know he would say to me as we walk with a purpose, which is moving me along to work things out in my head. Some days it is the memories and other day’s its tasks which keep my mind working as I walk. Thinking of what I have to do next in my life like GET A JOB and all that entails. I know there is not much I can do right now but I am evaluating my strengths and weaknesses and trying to make sense of it all and walking makes me feel like I am working even though I’m not. At least I am doing something.  I am somewhat comforted in the forward progress of my walk even though I never go far and I always come home. On my walks I’m able to push myself and press onward never really going to a place but perhaps preparing for something to come.

 This morning as I was walking under a street light a crow landed on top of the one in front of me and began cawing. He was cawing so loudly that he nearly intimidated me into not wanting to go near him but I would not let him win, I went under as he called out to his friends. Soon there were several bird buddies cawing so loudly that I struggled to hear the music playing in my headphones.  I felt the Lord showing me this as a natural sign of how difficult it is sometimes, even with the best intentions, to hear His voice because the natural sounds of this world can be so overwhelmingly loud. However through it all the music continued to play and I had to refocus and turn up the volume in my own ears. I had the choice to turn it up or keep it at the level that the birds nearly drowned out. I chose to crank it up because that cawing was nerve wracking and I needed music. Perhaps God was showing me how subtle it is to be hearing music one minute and the world the next. It is so distracting yet it took a conscience effort to crank up the volume instead of struggling to hear through it.

You see sometimes I do find gold in my quiet walks, anything that brings me deeper awareness of the presence of God in my daily life is good with me. I used to have some of my best prayer time in the bath tub or in the quiet of my house but for now I have taken it on the road. It is not that I can’t pray at the house because I do, but this is where it is happening for me right now. Prayer is familiar to me while the neighborhood is different and my life is different I can still take time to pray and do something familiar in a different way. I have found my new prayer closet and it is much bigger than the last few. Who knows that might change next week, life is fluid and I am making forward progress by walking in circles.