Same walk, Shorter Distance

I have been complaining about not being able to get a job yet when last week my son calls and says he needs me to come to Mobile and stay with Hannah because Brennan needs surgery. I dropped everything and went quickly to them of course, but had I had a job I would not have been able to be of help. Perhaps this is the blessing or a confirmation for me right now to be able to know that God knows of the things to come for me. This ability to drop all things for my loved ones may soon be coming to an end and I needed one last joy ride.

I have loved being there in any way for my family. I remember having to bring things left at home to my kids at school and to Steve as well sometimes and having to run errands from them during the day. I loved helping my family and being available to them and any friends or other family members as well.  Now I have to depend on me to make money to pay my bills and I am responsible for me alone. I have new found empathy for all those single parents, and widows who have small children to care for.  It is hard to be alone and even harder if there seems to be no place in this world for your particular unaccredited skills. The world wants me to believe I am a loser right now, but I am having none of that. It really is hard to filter those thoughts out of my head though. I know without a doubt that I will find a job when I am supposed to. I still have a couple of loose ends to tie from my last life and after those tie up I suppose then the job will find me.

Do I sound optimistic or naive? I sure hope optimistic and I hope it plays out the way I see it play out in my head. I was reminded on my walk this morning about trying to get ahead of myself. On Saturday, my leg began to hurt and by the end of the night it hurt to walk and I felt like I was dragging my leg around. I felt a bit like Igor from Young Frankenstein (probably looked like him too). I have had this same leg problem before so it was nothing new. It first started when I was pregnant with my first born and it comes and goes depending on my activity level. I call it my “baby” leg since it started during my first pregnancy.  I suppose that weak muscle became uncooperative in all my dealings with Hannah over the past week. Up and down, around and back again Hannah used me as her own special plaything and I enjoyed every moment of it.  I gladly give up my normal walk for the time spent with her.  I had so much fun and am so grateful my Brennan is alright too. It was such a blessing being able to be there to help them out.

This morning was the first time I have walked in a week and it was a slow go as I nursed my decrepit old muscle, but I made it despite my “baby” leg. Funny thing is I don’t feel old; my body is just in rebellion right now. While on my walk, I had to laugh at the fresh new banana peel in the road thinking if I slipped on it I would at least have a good excuse for my lovely limp. This peel got me to thinking about my impatience and my eagerness to get over this “baby” leg quicker so I could get back to my 4 mile walks. I have no control over the speed of the healing same as I had no control over how it began to hurt. I just have to walk it out. My usual hour long four mile walk became an hour long two mile walk today. It took the same amount of time, but I covered a shorter distance. Such is my life. My life might go on but the pain will come back and I have to deal with it from time to time as I have to with my “baby” leg issue. I never know when it will act up just as I never know when something will trigger a memory of Steve.

I have to say I thought about Steve more while around Hannah this past week. I guess it started in the car on the way there when I couldn’t call him and talk to him while I drove there. He was my go to man in a crisis. (Okay yes God is my go to man in a crisis, but Steve was second and Steve talked back to me in words, not thoughts mingled with my own) I had a strange peace about all of it though and knew it would all be alright, but I missed my go to man. I especially missed him when I locked my keys in the car after a wonderful morning at the playground with Hannah. Thank God we were at the golden arches and we had some lunch while waiting on a lock smith to rescue me. I was calm for that too. I think I would have been less enthusiastic about having to call Steve and tell him what I did. I would not have had as much peace as I did since I know God won’t rag me about it too much. I was so grateful to be able to pay my bill and get Hannah home for her nap. Habit had me wanting to call Steve, but I felt a shift in my thought process again and realized it was on me to handle it. I guess I am growing up and growing to accept I have to make decisions on my own now.  No table for two anymore. It was the same walk but a shorter distance. The longer distance was Steve was the middle man, the head of my household, and I passed everything by him first. Now I just go the shorter distance and directly turn to God as never before. He is my husband now, my go to advisor. Same walk, shorter distance.

Tomorrow I hope to walk farther with less pain but it will be okay to if I must walk the same amount of time but a shorter distance. At least I can get out there to walk and I refuse to let it sideline me too long and the same goes for the grieving. My “baby” leg reminds me of my first born and the joy of pregnancy and the beginning of our married life together and gives me pause for reflection and thanksgiving. It will be the same when the memories come of Steve.  Pain is a fact of life and will come when I least expect it but pressing through and taking care of myself by listening to my body and slowing when I need to is the only way to get better. I accept it and continue to walk the walk at a slower pace for a time. I can accomplish all things through Christ who strengthens me and walks with me through the dark valleys. He is my companion and my coach as I hobble along my new path in my new life. I Thank God I am moving forward. I thank God I am moving at all.