Bittersweet

Yesterday I received phone call from my son that they were headed to the hospital to await the arrival of their baby boy Steven Beau Travis. My daughter in law was having some preeclampsia issues and to be safe for everyone they went to the hospital and the doctor said that by lunch the next day we should have a baby. I was so excited and prayerful. I went home so excited knowing that today I will have another grandchild.

Mathu and I lined our ducks up early last evening, making sure I could see the baby via Skype on our phones as soon as I possibly could, since I was unable to be there in person. Yes we have an IPHONE but for some reason we could not Facetime and so glad to have found this out hours ahead of time. I went to bed around 10:30 fell asleep shortly before Mathu called at 11:30 to inform me they were about to start an epidural. This pumped me up for about an hour and then I fell back to sleep until around 1:02a.m. when Mathu called back to say the baby’s heartbeat was slowing and they felt an C-section would be best.

This is when I lost it. Who can sleep when you are nervous, anxious and angry all at the same time? Where are you Steve when I need to bury my head in your chest and scream? Where are you when I need my best buddy to pray with me and share this moment of trepidation and anxious waiting? I miss waiting with you, I miss being excited with you and I miss being worried with you and I miss consoling you and you consoling me both of us saying that it will be alright. I know God is in charge but I want to hear it from you and I want to say it to you. I need my "crisis go to" husband with the broad shoulders and arms to hold me with right now.  I miss you and need you during these family times. YOUR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE I am not supposed to be enjoying these moments alone, without you. You should be apart of these times in my life because you helped them come about.

Okay, I will take a breath now, exhale. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Mantra, but where is the love man? Where are the strong physical arms to hold me through this and to dry my nervous tears? Where is the smile from the man who helped create this baby boy who is about to be a father to our third grandchild? Where is the mutual pride patrol committee and support group? I have already had a grandson without you, my head knows this and though it was difficult, not like this is difficult. I am so far away from them and unable to be with them because I have to have a job right now. I can no longer drop everything and run when our children need us or want us to be with them during an important day in their lives. I am once again adjusting to this new life I find myself in and this is so foreign and uncomfortable for me right now. I hurt. I am aching and my heart is bursting right now because I am unable to do what I have done for so many years. I feel like I am in a straight jacket and the struggle is exhausting me right now.

I am pacing, in my bed, in my head wanting to run the many miles to the bedside of my children trying to grab hold of the hand of the man who was by my side helping me be strong all those many years. I need your hand Steve, it made me so strong and I miss it so badly right now. God please forgive me for not being satisfied with your presence and your promises to always be here for me. I know you are here but I want to feel your hand in mine. I want to put my hands into yours much as Thomas did so many years ago. I believe but I also want to feel, I am addicted to physical touch for my consolation and strength. Do you understand? Of course you do, so why do I feel so alone and pathetic right now? I feel like such a liar. Just this afternoon I was ministering to a friend about being strong taking pride in my strength in you through all this mess and here I crumble at the slightest hint of trouble. Is this a test? Probably, and I am failing miserably again. I need to breathe. It is so hard to breath.

Just when I think I turn a corner, a wall comes up to hit me. And then a familiar messaging sound from my phone causes me to jump. Mathu sends me a picture of our Beau so beautiful and pink and I break down crying hysterical, alone in the middle of the night. Just like old times of nearly 2 years ago without the mourning just relief. Well maybe there was some mourning left in me. I know you are fine, I am not right now but once again I say I will be as I am reaching out for your hand once again Steve. It is just like God’s hand now outstretched towards me, and only seen with my mind. I miss the warmth of your touch and the physical manifestation of God’s love you so wonderfully displayed to me. Does this ever get any easier? REALLY? Am I so weak as to crumble and stumble so easily? I am disappointed and tired and filled with the joy of a new grandbaby named Steven Beau and must focus on that. Steve I miss you and am sorry you couldn’t share this night with me. It is a bittersweet time again. ILYM darling.

The Circle of Life

Well I will say I am doing well and then something jumps up and slaps you in the face and makes you reevaluate how far you have to go for full healing. Just this past week a person I am mildly acquainted with who has a pretty good income was having issues concerning his heart. He fought with the idea of having treatment and was so cavalier about taking care of himself as if it were a mere ant bite. When I first heard this, it took everything in my power not to scream at him and slap him in the face and shake him silly. If you have the access to healthcare, why not use it? My husband didn’t have such a luxury and because of his preexisting condition was denied it so we paid out of pocket. This also meant no premium health care for him at the end and sometimes I think this maybe could have helped give him a few more years. Yes I know what I believe, God has a time for all of us, but we also have other things at our disposal to help us.

Okay I didn’t say any of that to this man, and I will let him live his life  because it is his decision not mine to make but I was shocked at my reaction to his behavior. It caused me to cry and get in a gnarly mood as anger crept in silently and I had nowhere to run and had to confront it. I am angry with Steve for not doing all he could humanly do to keep from having another heart attack and not for allowing me to help. I am mad at him for committing legal suicide. Okay so that is a dramatic statement to make, but I have felt that and still do a little bit despite my inner knowing that God is in control. It is my attempt at taking back the reigns one more time and saying with eyes closed, one eye peeking and shrugging my shoulders saying to God “Right?” Wow anger bubbled up again where it had been so flooded with joy. The fountain which flows is one of fire and water and I feel both at the same time.

I know God is in control and things happen in right time and right season, but I always ask what is our part in keeping our temple clean. How does God look at it? I get confused sometimes because I know God is good, I know all things happen for the good of those who love and serve the Lord. But how does illness, play a part in our faith and beliefs. In my lay person terminology if a diabetic is great Christian, loves everyone, does everything in her church and lives a beautiful faith filled life, but continues to gorge on candy and soda pop, is she being obedient or considered rebellious or does it fall under gluttony? Okay so I have no answers, and I am really not trying to judge anyone and not pointing this particular scenario to any one person, since my husband had heart issues and diabetes so it is safe for me to speculate and play what ifs. I have high cholesterol, should I be eating any fried foods ever? May I indulge once a week/month or year? Which makes me most obedient to God’s plans for my life?

I have to do some more soul searching on this issue so these small matters don’t trigger any more stupid anger or tears.  I never want to judge a person and that is basically what I did and for that I am ashamed, but more than that, I am driven to find out the answer for my trigger. I have an idea and it is good to feel it to deal with it again I guess.  It is fascinating this stupid healing layering system little bit at a time. I get so frustrated because I want to be more in control and this where my conflict really lies. I want to be such a big girl about all of this.

So here goes, Steve I forgive you for any stupid decisions that you made which may have contributed to your health issues. I forgive you for not involving me in those health decisions that affected our relationship. We were married, we two became one and you took matters of us into your hands only. I am angry about that and I forgive you. Forgive me for contributing to stress in your life which may have led you to those poor decisions about our lives. Forgive me for not seeing that you maybe weren’t feeling well and I forgive you for hiding that from me. Oh God, you know our hearts, and you know the things hidden there. Let me release all this and forgive the man I loved for 30 years for abandoning me. Whether selfish or selfless, I was mad about him hiding his health issues from me, and for leaving me here without him. I need release and I need to forgive.

And as I type this tonight I get a text from my daughter in law that little Steven Beau has sent her to the hospital with contractions 2 weeks early. Do you think we might have a baby tonight? I don’t know but it is just like Steve to push an issue involving healing with something so beautiful and precious. And yes I know God is the one pushing so is that an attribute of God? Pushing? Yes I think so. Sigh, I still have a lot of growing up to do don’t I?

Mick

We went to Ireland in 2009, Steve and I. It was perhaps the biggest and best time we had other than our time on Guam while we were dating. There is something to be said about visiting other places different than the usual places we live in daily. Our visit to Ireland, was a sacred vacation because it was my dream destination and Steve made it his too. He gave me a small pewter box shaped like a heart, and told me to write down places I would like to visit then place them in that box. It was our treasure box. I put Ireland.

At the time there was no other place I wanted to go since I knew nothing about my grandma’s home nor her family. I had always been curious about the country she hailed from, but she was very close lipped about her childhood, and the beautiful land I had only seen in pictures in books and television. My heart yearned for it and I knew I had to go there one day. We took the opportunity to visit to celebrate our not yet 30^th anniversary, and combined it with a surprise visit to crash an Irish wedding. My mother and father had been there once before and had been invited to a wedding of a cousin’s child. I was able to contact a cousin I had previously been a pen pal with to formulate a sneak attack and acquire lodging with “family” for a couple of nights while we attended the wedding and surprised my parents.

We met had met Mick at the wedding reception, he and his lovely wife Mary. We had the hardest time understanding Mick all night long and when he gave us direction to his house his accent so thick and mumbled. Steve and I looked at each other and I laughed at the way Steve so politely pretended to understand him and spent the evening attempting to understand. Mick gave us directions at least twice and, well all I understood was ask at the store. What store, ask for directions at the store, how odd. We drove to town and asked if they knew of Mick and Mary and proceeded to give us the directions as Mick had said they would. We were told to look for the statue of the Virgin Mary, that it was the only house on the street with one out front.

We found it, just as the store keeper had said, and Mick met us outside. He had a smile on his face and a glint in his eye and looked like a kid with a secret as he motioned to us to come see his Mary waiting for us. We didn’t quite get what was going on until we realized he was trying so hard to be quiet as he led us into a room where Mary slept in a chair looking out the window for us. He asked us to snap a picture of her sleeping, which we gladly did for the cute little man who seemed so excited to see us. The flash from the camera woke Mary and the smile that came over Mick’s face as she fussed at him was priceless. I will never forget that sheepish grin and the love that passed between the two of them as they fussed at with each other over her embarrassment at being caught asleep. Mary and her use of thee and ye archaic words to me found only in King James Bible and Shakespeare fascinated me. I loved that.

Mick and Steve attempted to talk and I caught most of it and translated for Steve, but the Guinness was what helped them communicate the best.   I watched this beautiful couple, love us from the moment we stepped out of the car. Their hospitality was probably the highlight of our trip well that and our discussion about God and Steve’s angelic encounter he had. That night we made heart friends and I fell in love with these relatives from across the sea like I had known them all my life. I felt so at home here and enjoyed their company and warm hospitality poor Mary apologizing the night away about the condition of her lovely home and the pitiful food she offered us. It was a feast for us to be there at all enjoying the company of family. I had to tell her not to offer us any more food or tea we really were okay and despite our size, we didn’t eat all day.

Steve was the first to leave us in 2010, then in 2011 mom’s cousin whose wedding we crashed passed away and this year, last night, it was Mick. I know there is a joyous homecoming somewhere, but right now I grieve with Mary as I grieved with Rita last year. I was so blessed to be able to have time with these strong Irish women and their precious husbands. Isn’t life strange? I know things always happen for a reason, still trying to figure this one out. Mary is a strong woman and I know she will be alright because her faith is so strong and her family bonds so tight. As I finish this blog, I see that twinkle in Steve and Mick’s eyes I saw in Ireland as they drank silently watching their women across the room visiting with each other. They understand each other perfectly now, and have gone before us just to say I told you so probably. My circle of widows is widening as I grow older. Is it because I am older or because of a calling on my life? This I am watching to see.

Happy Anniversary Darling

Hey sweetheart. I loved when you would call me that. I knew you meant it and I miss you saying that to me. This is our second anniversary apart and I have been doing so well. Steve I know you would be so proud of me as you were always my biggest cheerleader. I want you to know I am strong about tomorrow although today I had a couple of rough moments as I thought back on that stupid day when you died. I say stupid, because although we were together 30 plus years I choose to go back to then that awful day. There are so many better days to think back on and I am choosing those for tomorrow and future anniversary dates.

You told me a few times, that you held me back from becoming the woman I should become. I remember arguing with you so often about that statement. That was such a lie, because it wasn’t my time yet. I had to have all the experiences under my belt so I could come out and flourish as I am meant to. You were part the best part of my training. You taught about unconditional love and you made me feel beautiful whenever your eyes fell on me from across the room. You taught me about faithfulness because you never glanced inappropriately at another woman in my presence or told me how beautiful she was. You always made a point of lifting me and reassuring me of my beauty and helped me recognize and feel secure about the beauty of God within me. Even when I had my surgery and I felt hideous, you adored me and loved me with your care and concern for my well being as you nursed me back to good emotional health about the wretched scar that I now embrace. When it feels swollen I am taken back to the time I was so loved by you that you sacrificed for me and stayed close to me and was even more concerned about my health than I was. I love you for this.

Through our many ups and downs you taught me about creative financing paying bills and shopping for groceries all wonderful life skills I use daily. I was pushed to be able to think outside the box to provide meals, make costumes, create games, and low budget fun filled birthday parties for our family. I learned how to repair holes in walls, paint the walls, fix flat tires and fix perfect pancakes because of your love for me and your desire to keep me from being helpless. You always told me I could do anything I put my mind to and you pretty much were right. I am learning this right now as your words of love and encouragement ring in my ears.

You helped me be strong and courageous through many trials in our lives. I stood through them all, next to you despite everything, we still stood together, until you were no longer there. Now I stand alone without you to support me, but I am strong enough now to stand alone. I can weather any storm now because I am deeply rooted and because of your support, standing tall and straight as an arrow. I know you prayed many prayers for me as I did for you and our love kept us strong and will keep me going into this new life I am in.

My darling, I could not let this day pass without some form of public recognition for all the great love you showed me and poured into me during our wonderful moment together. In God’s eyes it was only a moment but we will share eternity together some day. I cry as I type this, but my tears are no longer the copious tears of a weeping pathetic widow who can do nothing without her man. I stand strong and proud to have been your wife and my tears are because you told me so and I didn’t listen until now. I am the person you told me I was during those many years when I seemed to be losing my identity in the everyday life of wife and mother. You still saw the ambitious, adventurous woman you married and saw my potential long before I found it again.   

Thank you Lord for giving me the person I needed to bring me to where I am now as a woman of God. I never would have thought to do some of those things to get me to step up, but hey what do I know. I love you and am so grateful for the man you put into my life. He was my helpmate as much as I was ever his helpmate. We both brought different sets of baggage to the marriage, but eventually, we sorted through it all and at least he got rid of all of his and I am down to a makeup kit. You are awesome and truly aware of our every need and Lord if you ever see fit to bring another man into my life, what can I really do about it anyway. I will train him too wink, wink.

Steve I love you munga my sweetheart, I will never forget you. Thank you darling for all you did for my spirit, I only wish you were here so you could tell me so in person. I commemorate our 31st anniversary this night and want you to know you will never be forgotten, only cherished more each year as I am able to remember more of our conversations now that my mind is less tramatized.

AWESOME JOY

Well I came through my giant leap of faith into the next phase of my new life feeling so drunk on life and I can only describe it as AWESOME! I can see the appeal to jumping from an airplane at 14,000 feet and feeling a rush that I can only describe as AWESOME. I laughed like a drunken fool all the way down as well because the joy I felt as my new life was birthed just bubbled up from so deep inside my wounded soul that it had nowhere else to go but out into the atmosphere. I only hope some of my joy fell on some down trodden people and picked them up for a minute or two. It had to have because I was so full I thought I would explode. I know my tandem instructor probably thought I was a crazy old lady, but who cares. I had the time of my life and will gladly do it all again. Any takers??

I didn’t know adrenaline was a drug, I was euphoric for a day and felt the crash after, but I also feel such a deep settled peace within my spirit like a breakthrough has definitely occurred. For the first time in a long time, I feel my feet firmly planted on a path and I will walk with surer steps now. Of course this is all a process of me becoming the woman God is calling me to me in spite of myself and stubborn inclinations. I know God did not say Renee jump out of a plane so we can get this party started. He knew the desires of my heart and used that and my faith in Him and His love for me to get my party started. Jumping was a big sign for me because I don’t do subtle hints too well. I think I may be a direct descendent of Thomas.  So God mingled with my wonderful adventurous self and brought me back to earth safely and placed me on His path.

I won’t recommend it as a means to jumpstart your life, we all have our own desires, but it sure worked for me and made me feel more alive than I have in such a long time. I am unafraid to step out and do things because I know my timing is in God’s hands. This is why the missionaries in those dark forests can do what they do for so long. They don’t fear death; they fear not doing what God had planned for their lives. Well healthy fear is a good thing. God gives us adventurous hearts for him and the world makes us afraid to use them. We have become overcautious an overprotective of this body God has given us. It is said our body is a temple of God we must keep it pure and healthy. Well this is true enough but we must also realize how portable it is. We can take it to far away places and not be a feared of walking in those places because God loves and protects what is His. I will over use mine for His glory and His intentions and never worry about the minor details of caution. I am bold as I was born and will use it for His glory. I don’t mean to say I will be stupid about it like jump out of an airplane without a parachute and expected a mighty hand to rescue me. I will not handle snakes or scorpions unless directed to and with the caution of my wonderful God created mind. I will not be reckless with myself, I will be wise about my life but I am totally unafraid to walk forward knowing my days are in His hands and I can do nothing about the timing. In His time all is made perfect.

There is a time for everything and my mourning has run the full gamut of the seasons. I am in summer and want to bask in the SON of summer as long as I can.  This is the breakthrough I intend to live in. I have time but it is His time. So cliché to live each day as if it is your last, but so true none the less.  I will push the envelope and make each day as fun and exciting as I can for me and those I come into contact with.  Joy rules and excessive laughing while falling 120 mph dries your mouth out by the way. Next time I will smile the whole way down maybe….. stay tuned, life is getting fun again.

Jumping into my Next Life

Many years ago I joined the Navy as my adventurous spirit over took me so I could see the world and do something different. I never regretted that decision and it led me to my life. Tomorrow I am doing the same thing, doing something I have wanted to do since I was a child and never had the opportunity until now. I am going to jump out of an airplane strapped to someone of course, but I have always wanted to skydive and will use this as a springboard to my new life I guess.

I have gotten many comments about how thrilling, how stupid how suicidal how inspiring but the simple fact is, I am doing it. I thought about my attitude towards it do I have a death wish someone asked me. I figure any day is a good day to die right? My attitude is this, if I die ok where is the downside to being in Heaven and seeing loved ones. If I live where is the downside to being here seeing loved ones? So it appears to be a win win for me. If I am somehow maimed there is a reason for everything and I will deal accordingly, God is in control of me I place myself in His arms and trust He gave me my adventurous spirit for a reason and I intend to use it. I am not about to purposely try to kill myself, I have a method to this madness and love my life enough to live it fully.

So this morning I sit and hear planes overhead, people jumping from planes all over, I am filled with excitement about tomorrow’s jump and my new life ahead of me, whatever that may be. I am concerned as a mom that my son is going with me, and I am covering him in prayer. I on the other hand am not worried about me one bit.Well that is a lie, I am concerned about how my wrinkled face will flap in the breeze on camera, you see they are filming it and a girl has to look her best even at 14,000 feet. Perhaps I should bring some duct tape, I am glad my flab will be covered with coveralls at least.  My mom and dad will be there too to experience this with me and for that I am so joyous. They mourned a bit when I left for Guam so many years ago, I don’t intend to give them any more reason to mourn, but to celebrate my life with me.

In the Star Trek shows (yes I am a Star Trek geek) Klingons say “It is a good day to die” true enough, but I also ascribe to the Vulcan philosophy and plan to “Live long and prosper.” See ya on the other side people! I love my life!!!

Swapping Paint

Well woof woof, yippee and hooray. I have disproved the saying “You can’t teach and old dog new tricks”.  I have learned and am continuing to learn so much at my work that I actually got a raise. I was also told learning new things increases your brain cells so I guess I am just moving on up by leaps and bounds. It really is pretty exciting for me since most people seem to be preparing for retirement at my age when I am just starting to work. I guess I will have to live to 100 to get retirement for me, but at least I am having fun and exceeding my expectations. God is so good to me because it can’t be me learning and adapting at this pace since it is an extremely face paced environment where I work but such a joy to be there.

I think my life may be starting to get interesting again. I can’t put my finger on it but I joined a singles Bible study and funny thing, we are learning to Cajun line dance. I know funny goofy but it is nice clean fun. Of course I only went to one teaching of it and feel like a klutz, but so does everyone else so I am in good company. Why is this in my life right now? Who knows who cares but it is good safe fun with nice people so I am expanding my circle of friends finally and that is good for me.  I am fortunate to be able to visit with my newlywed son and his beautiful bride next weekend when they come visit for their “baby moon” Yeah I know silly term for “Quiet before the storm” when little Steven Beau makes his appearance in August. I had so much fun shopping for him for his shower next weekend. He will be so spoiled.

I love meeting new people and interacting in their lives even if it is for a small amount of time.  It seems I am in process of doing this at my job and outside of it as my circle expands. I am emerging from my cloistered life as wife/mother/widow and making my way out into a new life. It is nice to “swap paint” with so many new people. I know that is usually not a good term because it means you may have been in a car accident but God had shown me a long time ago a small teaching about chance meetings being like small accidents/incidents/coincidences in our daily lives. We meet for a brief period of time and as we interact we swap stories, names, smiles, and even our pain that so much goes on in such a brief time, before we know it we leave a mark. This means that whatever chance encounter we had has the potential to be a memory for either or both or us forever. We are the canvas and God is always working in our lives, creating a living breathing work of art to display in His heavenly gallery. The more paint we have I think, the more interesting the artwork. So how fun is it to have so much more paint and texture in my life.  Wanna swap paint with me?

NEXT....

Well that was quite a wave I rode and I am finally at the other side of it I think. I suppose those idiot grief books have some wisdom to them although I must say, I do not agree with their timelines at all. I don’t want to wait so many years per year I was married to get over this. I want it all behind me now and I think I am doing great at it (today at least). I am dealing in spurts, as new experiences come up, I hit them head on, then I fall flat on my bottom dazed and confused yes birds floating about my head just like in the cartoons, but at least I am still conscious. TKO is the way to go, you look like you still are in the present but really you are in another world LA LA Land where the past is present and the present is present and it is hard pry them apart. It is where you see present circumstances but with distant eyes filled with what ifs and suppositions. Suppose Steve was still here how would things be? What if he was still alive and this was all a dream? Stupid ideas, I know, but it is all part of my brain, parceling out what I can handle in small amounts I guess.

I have just passed another big series of firsts and reality checks and am moving through the Game of Life yet again. Some days I feel like I am just a player on the board but other days I feel like the one playing the game.  I recently connected with an old friend from high school whom I hadn't seen since high school until I attended the funeral of her husband a few short months after moving back home. I offered her my shoulder and it wasn't until just recently when I needed her and she needed me that we saw each other again and decided we needed to form our own support group. It was so nice talking with her and spending time with someone who shares my heart. Most people only can offer a sympathetic ear or heartfelt hug, but we speak the same spoken and unspoken language and I perfectly understand her and the pain. It is such a God event in my life because one of my closest friends became my friend after she moved back home to Selma. I never knew her before, but we became connected through a mutual friend and we became fast friends. She had lost her husband only a few short months before I met her and although I felt her pain then I could never fully connect with her pain like I can now it is almost a different language because most of it is just a silent inner knowing. I bless God for giving her to me then because there are pains we can share with each other that are hard to share with others. So now I am now able to be that person in my high school friends’ life and I now have a Slidell connection and the widow circle grows. I am so glad God knows how to play it forward He goes before us to help us before we know we need it. I am so glad to have someone local to speak to since I have had to leave Selma to come back home. He knows.

I am amazed at how interconnected we are as the body of Christ and how complicated life is but I don’t have to worry so much about the details, God seems to go before me to work those out. For so many years I fought with Him about this, but now it is just easier on me to let Him work it out. I will always be obstinate and have my bullish moments, but He always wins. I sometimes wonder if I have given up on my own life and am just flowing along in denial and then I do something stupid and realize I am still in the struggle for control. My flesh just won’t die like I want it to and that is when I mourn the most and it is when I start to focus on my misery (yes I will say self pity) again, that is when I get new revelation to get out and focus on someone else. I am there again, anyone need help??? I am so available right now.

Anyway, I am confessing to myself with all two of you as my witnesses that I really am still mourning, but I can no longer allow it to consume my identity. I am not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to move on. Yes I know you have heard it, but it is like in church when you hear a reading over and over and you only get it when revelation hits you. Then it is like brand new to you? Well this is my recent revelation I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t care what I think of me, I am moving on physically and spiritually and my emotions will just have to play catch up. Sometimes they get in my way, but really I need to move to the next level because I am so bored with this one that I am no longer learning. It is another season. NEXT….

Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Sunflowers

You know Chocolate is my first true love when I am not at my best but I will tell you my next sinful comfort food is a big hunk of chunky peanut butter on a spoon affectionately called my Peanut Butter Spoon. Both Chocolate and Peanut butter go great together we all know that, but did you know they taste pretty good with a cold beer? Ha I bet you think I have gone to the dark side, no, it just surprised me how well they went together.

Now back to the main reason for my blogging today. I have a birthday coming up, and I have nothing special planned and really don’t care whether I do something or not. I am back to being numb again. Nothing seems to taste good, feel good or look good to me. Is it depression nagging me again? You bet it is, but I will deal again as I usually do. I mean no offense to my very married family, but I am used to being in a married state whether hanging with family or not. It never bothered me until now when I am feeling so alone again. My mind is adapting to being single and all that encompasses and I’m really bored, lonely and not ready for this. I am still fighting anger. I want to rage and hit something again so really I am not good company even for myself. However in the midst of all of this blah I planted sunflowers at various places throughout our yard. I don’t remember where I planted any of them; I just want to be surprised when they sprout up. I am fighting darkness with light the most fun way I know how. Sunflowers are my favorite flowers and I am waiting for my army to grow. I hope they grow quick and tall. I chose to plant the biggest ones I know the Mammoth’s I had grown once before. I need tall flowers because they will be much bigger than any of those small shadows chasing me.

I guess it was inevitable that as I tested the new waters of keeping company that I would be reeling again. I will do what I always do to test the water, dip my toes, recoil quickly, shiver, back up, suck it lots of air to nearly hyperventilate then I jump in. There is minimal pain in the recoil, mostly fear, but jumping requires overcoming the fear of the icy water and feeling the shock again of hitting that icy water after I jump in.  There are days when I want to feel pain, yes to feel anything is good.  I am also being bombarded by all those negative thoughts again, not that I will act on any of them. I am really becoming very empathetic towards people who succumb to these awful nagging voices in my head.

I am blogging it all out on paper and in public, but by tomorrow I will probably be ok again or maybe not until the day after. The shadows of darkness and depression buzz constantly throughout my brain but I don’t really see them until I slow down.  This depression is just something I have started to learn to live with over the last 18 months. I pray it doesn’t get bigger and am praying and trusting God will keep it from me. But just so others you all may know, I know God loves me, but it still doesn’t stop those voices. The big voice within me does only if I stop entertaining them. The fascination in picking a wound to feel the pain brings my back to childhood. I picked my scabs to see if my sore was healing but picking the scab made it hurt worse. Finally you stop the picking and reach for the antibiotic cream. I never said I was a very smart kid, very curious and didn’t like surprises.

So  right now, I am waiting for my sunflowers to shoot up and grow and keeping company with my chocolate and peanut butter. I am waiting for my joy to burst forth once again and what makes me ahead of the game is that I know it will happen again. The sun always burns the clouds away because it can’t always be rainy. But with all the rain those flowers will bloom and grow tall and this will bring my joy again. Once again I repeat my mantra that which doesn’t kill me makes me strong.

Stormy Weather

There are days you just feel stupid, alone and just plain naive. I thought naming something meant what I meant it to be and not anything deeper, but it didn't happen that way. I got tangled in my own miscommunication with my gentleman friend whom I was keeping company with. Yes that is what I called it but as it goes that was not the case. Things didn't go the way I had hoped and emotions got in the way and we have now parted ways. Hopefully we will remain friends, but I am too much of a hot mess to be able to be trying to have a relationship deeper than friendship right now. Heck I missed so many signals and I hurt him pretty bad and for that reason, I need to be alone. In my search for companionship I end up alone again. Funny thing is, I thought one way and he thought another. Heck it was so easy with Steve because he knew what I was thinking before I even knew and the same goes the other way. We knew each other and it was easier.
Back to the couch for me. I enjoyed the experience of getting out, getting to know someone and experiencing more firsts in my new life. It was an old, new experience. I am finding it harder to be upbeat these days though I get so down on myself for missing things I should know or learning new tricks or meeting new people even. I go to work, keep my head down and hope for the best. I am blessed to have my job and blessed to have my family to keep me busy because I am scared to admit this but I can see how a person could get so depressed and find other pursuits to dull the pain. I say this as I drink a beer alone and blog about my life today. How cliche is that.
I say pain, well it is probably more like a bad ache now, it is not as acute as at first, I live with it. There are days like when the weather in my life turns bad where the pain flares up and throbs and aches so deeply within and I can't really pin point a place of origin. The place of origin though is my heart so why does it feel as though my whole body aches. It sneaks up on you and you just never know how hard it will throb or for how long. Once the weather passes it abates, but never really goes away. I wonder if it ever does? It is just below the surface waiting to attack when I seem to be moving on. I guess I am in a stormy weather pattern right now looking for a sunny day again.
Does anyone out there in Blogville know if pain ever goes away for good? I know it will when I die (Yes I have had the thought a time or two), but is that the only way to kill the pain? If it is I guess I will have to live with it.I wish my kids lived closer to me, you would think spending time with them all looking so much like Steve that the pain you would be harder to deal with but actually it is comforting to be around them. We created a beautiful family together and their joy lifts my spirits so much.
 Right now I feel as though I am walking in a bubble again. I started to feel somethings not normal for me, and got scared so I am processing those feelings to discern if I am OK. I won't blog them out because they are personal, but they do have to do with the big Dating word I was so frightened of. I think I almost dated and got scared. A friend flat out told me I was dating and I really couldn't handle that. It made me feel so ashamed and unfaithful. I am positive when I say I am not ready, but I am closer than I was a few months ago, so that is progress. And I have my gentleman friend to thank for being so kind and patient. I hate that my craziness may have hurt him even though I gave him fair warning, it still feels bad.
So I am spinning my wheels again, same situation, learning slowly, going in and out of waves. Learning about being alone again and trying to find the benefits of it. God is still in control even though I am now trying to take the reigns again, I found out that is not a smart idea. Drive on Lord, where we going now. Steer me free of the stormy weather and into the sunny days again.

The Halfway House

Ok so last week was my release from the hospital and I found out this week I am not totally free yet, I am in a halfway house. Go figure. God what is up with this? I believed I was free and moving on and this weekend, just one weekend beyond my resurrection I find myself knocked over by a serious rogue wave.

I had been looking forward to this weekend for quite some time, I was supposed to be camping with my daughter and a friend of hers who will be graduating and moving back north next month. We wanted to have a nice girl’s weekend camping and talking which is what we all do best anyway. My first clue things had gone sideways was the rain predicted for Saturday calling off the camping part of our trip. We decided to stay at Mary's since the whole purpose was to get together anyway so camping  (indoors) was still on.My second clue this weekend was turning was my having to stop off to pay my respects to a family friend (younger than me) whose wife passed away from cancer. Now you might remember this was not my first funeral since, but it did involve someone special to our family. I went in strong, thinking I could offer condolences and support and figuring I had this covered but I should not have gone in alone probably.

Things were fine at first as we chatted with another friend and his wife offering their support and laughing about times past.  It was when our friend started talking about not sleeping and finally sleeping in the bed and other things that my knees started to give way. My legs started to shake and then my head started spinning. I felt like a deer in headlights and I had to run, get as far away as possible so this would not become about me. I said my good byes, and think I told him it was still too fresh for me so maybe he understood why I was there so brief a time, but I had to get out of there quick. I know he won’t remember so maybe that will be a saving grace.

The floodgates burst as soon as I closed my car door, and I was safe and I allowed the bomb of tears to explode in a protected area. The drive to Mobile started off awful as well. I got stuck in a traffic jam just as I got onto the interstate to head to Mobile. Everything in me wanted to go faster and run, but I had to creep at a snail’s pace and couldn’t run at all. I had to deal with it all ever so slowly in the confines of my car and I was feeling very claustrophobic. I wanted to be outside, screaming, outside running or outside hitting on something. I was having a temper tantrum and perhaps a panic attack. I did talk on the phone to my sister for part of it but mostly I had to deal with it. No one could really talk it through with me, it was something I had to do alone. With loud music might I add.

Finally the traffic broke after 45 minutes and I could drive faster towards my very energetic funny daughter. I was looking forward to the distraction of her love and joy again. I got to her house and could only take a nap, I was worn out, but she was sweet and allowed me the time to get it together so we could go out and have fun. She did take a picture of me power napping and usually I am very alert, but didn’t hear that coming. I fell into a quick deep sleep. We went to pick up Mary’s friend Marge, and while there I got a call from Steve’s truck driver friend who I had dinner with a few months back. He was coming through Slidell and wanted to see me, but I told him where I was and he said well that is where I am spending the night so we arranged to pick him up and bring him out to dinner with us. It was all fun and the bum picked up our tab. I say bum because I informed him I would be doing it this time, and he said no because Steve never allowed him to buy dinner for him, so he was paying Steve back for all those times. I was glad Mary got to see him and thank him for getting the rest of Steve’s things back for her. He is the friend who got the blanket and special shirt she wanted back for her and he took a lot of time and trouble to make sure we got those things back.  

All throughout the night we reminisced about Steve and the silly things Steve did with each of us with each girl recounting different memories of Mr. Steve. As much as I loved that they had such fond memories it became such an in my face weekend about dealing with grief again. If I were truly in a halfway house I guess it would be considered a therapy session. It was not the fun care free weekend I wanted, but it was the work weekend I may have needed? What I did learn this weekend is that I am only half way in my process and I thought I was further on. It really feels like I am further along than a year and a half doesn't it? It has been such a long time since I have missed Steve this bad and it hurts. The anesthesia of shock and grief is wearing off perhaps and I am feeling again yes feeling like pins and needles. I was walking along, enjoying the sunshine and a hole swallowed me up. I can see the sun, but the work I need to do to get out of this hole is exhausting me. I need help, Lord, your help please??? You got my back right, let’s get this over again. Sigh.

Ressurection Sunday

Ok so my life has been nothing if not seasonal so I am presently in the Easter season right? I am a week behind resurrection Sunday but I am technically in the correct season for the breakthrough I felt in my life this past weekend. The week leading up to my Easter Sunday (Yes a week behind everyone else) I would call it hell week. I had no sleep and could not even focus I was having so much anxiety about moving on with my life. I think I sweated blood and water a night or two if not in reality, spiritually because it sure felt like it. It had to be the worst sleeping week of this past year of grieving which was precipitated by my spending time with a male friend moving on with life. The anx I suffered and the dreams I had were pretty real, and all dealing with my emotions.

 I had an urge to call Steve this weekend to tell him about my life and the new “friend” I had to keep company with.  When I came back to my senses after the shock of realizing the insanity of that thought I began to feel very unfaithful, and shame crept in again. How do you wrap your head around all of this? Well as I sorted through it during my retreat on Saturday at a local church and I began to realize how normal that thought really was. Steve was nothing if not my best friend whom I shared every little thing with good and bad so yes it was natural for me to want to share some news with him. The subject matter probably was less about sharing with Steve and more about my feelings of acceptance and seeing growth within me. Perhaps I was processing on another level this widow/single status I am in and moved an inch closer to believing it.

I had the most perfect day on Sunday when my friend and I went to the French Quarter Festival in New Orleans.  Our day began with me attending church with him and his sister and that is when I began to feel things begin to slide off of me.  After church we rode with the top down in his convertible on the most glorious day the Lord could ever give for my resurrection Sunday.  As the wind whipped my hair around and I had no desire to worry about how it looked, I felt a spiritual breaking and a freedom that I hadn’t been living in for quite some time. As we leisurely walked the streets, taking in the music and wonderful food, I knew a new level in my healing was happening this day. I couldn’t put it to words, but I felt it deeply as I soaked in the music, tasted the food, enjoyed the company of a sweet male companion and basked in the beauty of the most perfect day I had experienced in such a long time. My senses came alive again and I felt released from the shackles of grief and felt a new chapter beginning in my life.

 It was a delight to feel the comfortable feeling of joy and peace rise up in me as the wind rushed through my hair while we sped down the freeway back toward home at the end of a lovely spring day. I was free and I was happy. I didn’t realize how good it felt to breathe again and to see people again without the pall of grief tainting everything I saw, heard or touched. The numbness was beginning to wear off and I was able to feel young and free again and revel in the exciting new things ahead. The most amazing thing to me is how much I enjoyed feeling safe and comfortable in the company of my male companion.  We are still not dating but I enjoy keeping company with him. I am so anxious to experience life and I believe my life is just getting interesting again and I can’t wait to live it.

I still have a ways to go, but at least the hospital doors are open wide and I am on the other side heading to my life again. I felt hope surface in me again, the hope the priest on my retreat spoke about on Saturday. The hope that Jesus gave when He was resurrected. He went before me to prepare my way and He was with me during my time in the tomb but Sunday was my day to arise and I am so glad to be living my life again. I cast off my grave clothes and take back my life. I think I will have some fun again and I will let you in on some of it wink, wink .(A girl has to have some secrets you know).

Keeping Company

I should be sleeping but my mind won’t shut down. I have work tomorrow and a busy weekend ahead again. I am enjoying staying busy but this new lifestyle change sure takes some getting used to. I have been at work past my probation period so this is a good thing. I have a job.   My circle is opening and I am meeting new people.  I have been talking with the man who bought me the carrot cake and bug spray nearly every night and we have gone a few places together and  hope it continues, so why all the crazy dreams lately? Why all the overanalyzing?

I try to keep busy so I don’t think so now my brain is rebelling and I am processing my life in my dreams. I don’t recognize myself at all these days. My friend says I’m dating and I quickly let her know I am not dating that I am keeping company and there is a difference. My brain refuses to accept the dating term yet so that could be reason for some nightmares. In all of my dreams, most of them are of betrayal and pain yes me causing Steve pain and betraying him by being happy. How stupid but yes, I do wonder if I am starting too soon and not fully healed yet or just scared of the whole process of that darned d word my friends keep throwing at me. I really am just keeping company with a male companion dating is for younger people.

I forgot about the "firsts" also. I had let out a sigh of relief after Mathu's wedding thinking pretty much they were all over.  Well on one of out outings we danced a slow dance which was another "first" and boy did I get hit with a tidal wave as I realize I had just stepped off into more "firsts". Just being alone with him I seem to always feel like I am sneaking around. I haven’t been forthright with my kids either, well not all of them at least.  I don’t want to hurt them or quite honestly listen to the teasing. I really am trying to be smart about all of this so my brain can take it all in and process it so my emotions can play catch up. I feel as though every time we go out some sort of "first" plays out so when I go home, my mind processes and lets me know how I should feel. I am usually too shell shocked to feel anything so I am on a delayed time switch. More like a deer in headlights! By the next time we see each other I am back to normal feeling good about moving forward. I eventually want to be in the same time zone as him instead of experiencing everything from a distance.

 I do hope my male friend is as true as he seems to be and doesn’t abandon this psycho woman with nightmares and bouts of emotions that could put PMS to shame.  I seem to judge myself the harshest. I feel as though I am being unfaithful. Could this that the residue from so many years of being with the same person? Or is our bond so strong, it can’t be broken? I tend to over think things when all I really just want to have some fun and not be lonely. I guess for now I will continue to move forward and practice being unfaithful so I can move past the pain. Steve loved me and wanted me to be happy and he always said he hoped I would find someone else if something happened to him. I said the same words to him, but never really felt them earnestly. I didn’t want him with anyone but me and I am sure he must have felt the same way, right?

So I will keep company for now, see what happens and ride this crazy train all the way down the road. My life is such a ride and it is going much faster than I would like. I feel like I am doing the Time Warp. Yeah Rocky Horror if only my nightmares could be as ridiculous and fun.

Carrot cake and Bug Spray

 I was going to write a few pages to the beginning of my novel so my teacher can read it and correct it for me, but as I wrote it I started to shake again. Of course my life and the experience of Steve’s death sounds like an idea for a novel, but reliving the emotional pain I have tried so hard not to revisit for 17 months proved difficult. I even tried to reread some of my blogs and of course that also proved more painful than I wanted right now. I want to avoid feeling that pain again and have been running away from it. Do I need to confront it? I personally don’t think it needs to be revisited yet. I will have to develop another fantasy world for a novel; reality is too real right now. So I wrote it anyway just to have it on paper. I want it down on paper so I my kids will know some things about me. That task is checked off.

Work is going great and I think I am doing a good job. I have to say I am proud of all I have learned and am still so grateful to have a job. I am blessed. I went to the St. Patricks Parade with my family and my girlfriend came as well with her husband. As we were leaving the parade she had seen her brother there with his wife and a friend and she was speaking with them and I found myself flirting(Yes me go figure, it was still there somewhere buried) with the friend. Now I know it was the green Margaritas that probably got me to go there because I have been so guarded and protective but yes I opened that door and even swapped phone numbers. I find this hilarious because I had not done anything like that in well over 30 years and it just popped out. Truth is, when he said his name was anything other than Steve, I just went with it. How ridiculous is that.

My friend was shocked and awed as was I when I got back to the crawfish table. She only looked at me mouth wide open then said “Well? Do you wanna tell me something? What was that?” Pretty much all I could say was “Hey he isn’t a Steve.” I just played it off knowing it probably would not go anywhere. I had all but forgotten about it until while driving home from work the following Thursday I got a text from that strange number apologizing for not getting back with me. (Yes I texted him after the parade to ask if he was coming to the concert after since we had spoke about it during out mini meet and greet.) He said something about getting a new phone and learning how to use it. Whatever. We texted for awhile while I drove home another daring stupid thing I know.(I seem to be living for my bucket list events and trying to be edgy.)

He called me when I told him I was texting and driving since talking on the phone and driving is so much safer and we had an awkward conversation. I am so not used to this stuff but decided to roll with it anyway. What harm could it do? When I got home I sat in the driveway and talked for a few more minutes before hanging up to go get some much needed food. He told me if I was bored later to call. So I got bored later and texted. It was fun talking with a new friend we both are in the same boat, moving back to town moving in with family relearning the place we grew up in. He asked to take me for a drive in his convertible on Sunday and I said sure. It is the closest thing to a motorcycle, right? Those plans didn’t work out. We spent a day texting and talking and he asked me out for a Margarita after work which I accepted only if I could have some food to go with it. I have a bad tendency not to eat during the day and I knew that could be bad for me in oh so many ways.

The night came and I kid you not I wanted to back out. I felt so scared and stupid I imagine much like I will feel when I jump out of my airplane one day to sky dive. The thrill, and fear all jumbled together causing me to be an absolute mess. My friend didn’t talk me out of it but we did make an escape plan so I could go home early if I needed to and wouldn't appear rude. The plan was that I would text her a help msg when I took a bathroom break so she could call me back after I got back to the table and I would have to leave. I had seen it in a movie once and it worked there. I was serious. I was so nervous and it was obvious I think because he kept asking if I was scared. The dinner turned out nice and I didn’t have to text her. It was difficult to talk in the restaurant so we left and went to a little daiquiri bar near the store I needed to shop at afterwards so I killed two birds with one stone so to speak.

We had some nice conversation and I even had a cat wander up and jump in my lap. That was pretty random and interesting but he was a friendly cat probably owned the bar. It was fast closing in on my bedtime so  I asked him if he wanted to walk over and get the mosquito spray I needed for my canoe trip this weekend and he walked me over there. I think mostly to be chivalrous so I wouldn’t walk alone, but it was nice anyway to see that. While we were in the store he said he wanted to buy me something and said that I would love it. We go to the bakery isle and he proceeds to pick up this yummy looking carrot cake. He was so cute because he was so excited about this carrot cake and well no one has ever bought me a carrot cake before. I was laughing inside. He would not allow me to pay for my bug spray either, which was sweet but not what I wanted since this wasn’t a date or anything. I just let it go and thanked him and let that be ok. No one has ever bought me bug spray and carrot cake all in one night either. I know there is a country song  there in the making.

We parted ways, I was no longer the nervous wreck, still nervous but the wreck part was over. I jumped the shark and I am on my way to another wave of healing and living. I got the best advice from my daughter “take it very very slow, mom” I believe she is right, but I took another step (stumble) forward and here I go again. We are talking on the phone a lot and I was just pleased he wanted to talk to me again much less ask me to go somewhere with him this weekend since I seemed like such a bumbling idot to myself. I guess we can keep each other company. That pretty much is what I was going for, right? To get to know people and keep busy.

Gotta run, I have carrot cake calling to me and a canoe trip in the morning. Life is moving ahead again and once again I find myself seasonably connected to my healing process. Spring brings new life and as scary as that prospect is, I am pretty daring right now. I may get up in that airplane sooner than later. Life is short and my bucket list is too long. I have to start checking things off.

Emotional Hangover

I am alerting you the  readers ahead of time, this isn't pretty. I am hungover and I can't think straight right now but I am experimenting with my feelings which pretty much lie to me too much! You may proceed at your own risk or click over to Facebook or check you email. Good luck.

Well I am having a hangover of sorts this week; it actually started on Sunday evening and has continued throughout this week as I write this on Wednesday. I am just now beginning to be able to put my finger on why. I had dinner two nights in a row this past weekend with a male friend and by friend I mean friend. I confess I enjoyed the company, I enjoyed the attention and I enjoyed the discussions we had but I am having some regrets possibly guilt maybe shame and outright fear.  It is so frightening to me how nice it is to have so many things in common with someone else and how comfortable I am talking with him but my biggest fear would be hurting him or anyone else.  I don’t want this yet. I thought I did because my loneliness gets the best of me sometimes and thought I could handle it but I don’t think I am ready at all. I jumped too soon and perhaps that is why I feel so drained this week.

I opened up a lot about Steve this last weekend and I suppose this is why I am mourning again. I thought I was beyond this phase of missing him and the more I spoke about him and reminisced with my friends about him. Wow it still aches badly.  I need a few more months of healing I guess. This line I walk is so narrow and I see where I can really cause myself or someone else harm because I don’t know my pain threshold yet in this mourning process. I am recognizing my vulnerability and think more isolation is good for me. I don’t feel emotionally prepared to put my heart out there again not that I have started putting it out there yet mind you.  

It didn’t help that today, hump day that the wonderful news my newlywed children gave to me was bittersweet. It seems they will be having a boy in August and they will name him Steven Beau Travis. I am so thrilled for them and so pleased they chose to honor Steve’s memory by naming their first born son after him. I ache right now as I type. Bittersweet is the only word to describe the moment I heard his name. I received the news at work. It is hard to cry and answer the phones in a cheery voice on a day you can’t leave to compose yourself because the other girl called in sick today. Whew lots of sucking it up.  The best thing is workday was over early today and I was able to come home and walk it out of me for an hour before going to my nephew’s play tonight with my dad. I am alright now. God always knows what I need before I need it so why do I try to outrun His plans for me always. Mikey you did an awesome job and I so needed this fun night.

I will say, the class I am taking “How to write a Novel” may prove to be a more “novel” idea than I had originally thought. As I walk my walks and my mind generates creative scenarios, I believe I may have a novel in the making with hardly too much embellishment necessary.  Well first I want my life to be more interesting so I will have something juicy to write about. This little mundane stuff I blog about is just not interesting enough, it is just cathartic for me mostly. I want to fill all my quiet time with activities which do not involve getting too close to making a mistake. I have birthday parties, a canoe trip a St. Patrick’s parade and who knows what else I can fill my weekends with. I even plan to go camping with my kids on my birthday. It is good to keep the mind busy. I need to stop being so anxious to outrun God’s plan for my life since I know it is all His timing and I am the one trying to get my life to a “normal” status. While running in my hamster wheel, I have tripped again.  I am figuring out what my new normal is as I dust off my pants and rub my bruised hands together. Is normal out there somewhere?

Mrs. Magoo

So life is moving along nicely I believe. I have a great job and am getting my routine of it down, laundry on weekend’s errands too. Weekends are always busy for me but I like busy. I am taking a writing course on Tuesday nights which I am very excited about who knows I may write a book after all one day if for no other reason than to purge my computer of all these saved files.  Poor thing gets as many brain freezes as I do now. Can a computer have CRS too? I don’t know but I surely get it more often these days with my busy, exciting new beginning of my next life. My do over.

I went for a mammogram yesterday in an unfamiliar area of Metairie and my wonderful GPS got me to the location but I didn’t see the building and I thought she was lying to me again. She told me I had arrived at my destination on the right but I didn’t see it. I drove to the next street and I took the next corner and thinking I would drive around the block and sneak up on it again to perhaps see it this time  since I knew where to look for it now. I turned right then took another right but the big yellow sign said dead end so I turned into an entrance to what appeared to be a parking lot behind a strip mall. As I crept into the parking lot, I saw a building that said Diagnostic Imaging and I knew I was where I was supposed to be. I parked my car in the nearest spot, which was right outside of the place I needed to be. I felt like Mr. Magoo, because the Lord seems to push me in the right way all the time, even putting a dead end in my path to force me to take the turn I needed to. So yes in the eyes of God I am Mrs. Magoo.

I really was nearsighted, but had Lasik surgery to correct that vision problem but still have to rely on glasses for reading. Lasik couldn't help with my spiritual vision I am still nearsighted in spiritual matters and I need to rely on God so much more to direct all my steps in my life. I often look back and laugh because unlike Mr. Magoo, I recognize when I have been handled ever so lovingly and gently by my daddy and I feel so blessed and am consoled by knowing that I am covered all the time. Like a good neighbor, I am in good hands; He is my blessed assurance as long as I continue to look up.  I will never stray off His path, because He won’t let me right now. I want to stray sometimes, I confess that, but He loves me so much and wants to protect me, that it is impossible right now.

I tried to donate blood today, and was turned down because of the melanoma I had two years. I don’t know why I cried most of the way home. I was sad that I had neglected to donate for two years and I was just finding this out. I was shocked that the stupid little cancer thing I had discounted as minor and insignificant has become a barricade to something I love to do. And once again I have to tell Steve he was right and this makes me miss him so badly. Ironically I am having a fat lip day too so I suppose it just brought it all home again. Steve is gone, I don’t have a shoulder to cry on or at least the shoulder I want to cry on. When I say I don’t have a shoulder you know I mean physical shoulder because trust me I have cried it out to God, He knows it all and has heard it all from me.  I just want a man hug I guess and miss getting them from Steve.  I guess I will have to find some other way to donate something, time, money etc for the next three years. Is it a new direction the Lord is leading me in? I will have to just take it in stride, and try not to feel so rejected and set my nearsighted eyes on the path I think I am on.

So I am muddling about, head in the clouds, eyes up and down trying to focus on what needs to be focused on. I am adjusting well and thanking God for all of it. One day when I die, I will be satisfied but until then I thirst for holiness and hunger for God’s love and yearn to be led by my Good Shepherd. I am about my Father’s business (most days, wink, wink) and when I am not, I am on my knees.

Battle Stategy of a Court Jester

I have been working for four weeks now and missing my morning walks. Today I had a day off and took advantage of it by taking my walk.  It was an overcast looking like it will rain any moment morning but I still wore my sunglasses. I am a hopeful, prepared person always ready for the sun to shine on me. Yes I mean this metaphorically as well I always wait on the Son to shine His light and wisdom on me. Who cares what people think when they see me walking in the rain with sunglasses on.  I carried no umbrella if it rained it rained, the optimist in me says, healing rain is good too. So this is my attitude in life now. Its all good.

On the final stretch of my walk, I danced, and I flew for what seemed like an eternity but actually it was just a few seconds, who can really fly? Let me tell you how I achieved such an adrenalin rush and miraculous deed. Minding my own business, walking down the darkening street ahead of me as the clouds above threatened to pour rain on me, I stepped on what I thought was a ribbon or belt or  some other debris in the road. In that split second I realized I had stepped on a horrible dead snake and while my foot was still on it, that is when I did my squeal, EW! OMG!!  OMG!! flap my wings leap in the air several times attempting to fly away dance in the middle of the street. I think I did fly for at least a half a second, but my goodness it was breathtaking. Really I was gasping afterward. I was so grateful that this normally busy street was empty and I was the only one to witness this because I truly might be in a special ward at the hospital by now.

I remember one day late last year some ladies warned me as I was returning from a walk “Oh we don’t walk over there because of snakes” I remember walking on thinking to myself “Those snakes are more afraid of me, I will be ok, my angels will clear the path for me” Ha, I know those angels of mine were laughing right along with me this morning.  After I composed myself and I laughed out loud at my latest walking experience, I said “Lord, I am made to tread on snakes and scorpions, why did stepping on a dead snake freak me out so badly?” I am truly not as brave as I thought I was but then revelation began to bloom in my mind and I could see how strong I am now from where I had started so many years ago. I have practiced with stepping on spiders, and roaches. Why now I can even chase a roach down to kill it. I have touched reptiles at the zoo; I have even held a lizard or a frog. Snakes are too scary for me, with their fangs and sneakiness. I really wish I could squash one like Jim Caviezel did in the Passion of Christ. I confess I have only seen scorpions behind glass and would more than likely run from them too. I am still a fraidy cat and am glad God loves me just as I am.

So here I am thinking, Lord how can I be a soldier in your heavenly ranks if I can’t step on a dead snake? Then my battle strategy started to unfold before me. I will kill my enemies with kindness. I will make them bust a gut and DIE laughing. You see, even that has a place in the kingdom and the court jester has her purpose. I love it. I don’t know if I will ever be able to step on a live snake, or even be brave enough to chase one down and step on it, but I can rouse the troops by stomping on a dead snake over and over again. Well that is a lie, once will do because then I dance and fly. Life is so interesting sometimes.

My Big Fat Lip

Well I am now a working woman. I have completed my first week of paid employment and I have enjoyed the daily challenges of learning new things.  It is my new life and I am so happy to have a job and an opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to start over again. It just so happens on my way to work yesterday I had Steve with me. On January 17th it will be two years since I had minor surgery on my lip to remove a basal cell carcinoma.  I was so grateful for it because if it weren’t for that ugly thing on my lip I never would have known about the melanoma developing on a very innocent looking spot on my arm. Since my surgery there are days when my lip feels very fat and swollen and yesterday was one of them.

The procedure I had also caused Steve to overreact and treat me like I had some really bad form of cancer. I laughed at him and told him I would be fine and that it was not a big deal. He made such a fuss and was so concerned that I gave in and let it be alright that he had asked his work to keep his truck driving routes closer to home during the first six months of 2010. It meant less money but more home time for him which was always a good thing for us. Yesterday morning on my way to work I realized another reason to be grateful for this minor occasional discomfort. Now when my lip feels fat I can remember how good God was to bring Steve closer to home the last year I would ever see him. How special I am that God loves me enough to do that for me. I can’t imagine 2010 without all our extra home time together and family occasions. We often commented on how nice it was that he was home so much that year. Never realizing how precious those times really were and it would be his last spring with us.

So I won't complain again about my lip feeling fat or feeling self conscience about my ugly scar. I am so glad to have that reminder of God’s love for me and my family. Now it reminds me of Steve’s love for me, his concern and I feel good as I allow those great memories of that year to flood in. It was also interesting that as this new revelation set in on the way to work I was in stop and go traffic  after I exited the interstate and all the way until the road became a single lane I rode side by side with a large 18 wheeler. Now that is not a coincidence and it felt like Steve was with me. The only bad part was I cried most of the way to work but fortunately no one noticed when I got to the office. Thank God for waterproof mascara and a busy work environment.

It is amazing the hardships we go through never realizing there could be a reason and a bright side to every difficult experience we have. It took me two years to recognize another reason to not complain about a minor thing that I had called myself being so grateful to God for. My arms got tired of praising so I once again let them drop and started to complain. How quickly we forget how good God is. He has truly been a light unto my path. I am unsure of the movie that this scene was in (probably Indiana Jones or something like that) but there was an invisible path over a deep cavern and this man had to step out in faith and believe that the path was there in that one certain spot. It wasn’t until he stepped onto it that the pathway became visible. I look back on the past year and a half since Steve passed away and I never knew what the next step would be and truthfully have been just moving forward without thinking too hard in my fog of unknowing. Each time I took the step a stepping stone became visible and God has gone before me to illuminate it for me.

Actually I had felt deep inside of me that I really wasn’t going to have a job until after this New Year but I was unsure how much of that feeling was pessimism due to discouragement  or if it was God reassuring me within my spirit. I did my due diligence by walking forward; putting in applications seeking out jobs where I could and I left it at that and knew God had a job for me somewhere because He had taken me so far already that I knew He wouldn’t leave me stranded. I also knew from past experience about throwing me into difficult situations for testing too and I didn’t want another survival test, I wanted an easy assignment one I wouldn’t have to put a lot of effort into. I confess I was becoming a bit disheartened that I had not received any calls fearing I was un-hirable but God had different plans.  I felt like I was ready to move onto the next thing but didn’t have a next thing to move on to yet. He put a friend in her perfect position at work at His perfect time she asked me if I was still looking for a job. It is always about His timing isn’t it?  I am grateful for new hope this new year and seeing His path lit up before me. I only pray my eyes never grow dim again and my hands never fall by my side as I have once again uplifted them in praise. I must be careful not to complain because I notice that is when my arms start to fall.

Thank you God for my fat lip, for my new job and assuring me that I am strong enough to start all over again and I feel you have released me back into the world. My recovery time is now over and I pray I never let you down and that my feet never leave this path. I will try not to complain again.

Becoming Single Minded

I have written but just not blogged since the last “first in my life since Steve died” was over. My daughter graduated from college in December ending the year of firsts and opening a new door in my brain. I felt so close to Steve on the day of her graduation more so than at the other celebrations this year. Perhaps it was closing a door as well and it made me somewhat sad.  I suddenly felt as though I had nothing more to look forward to and the lovely family connectedness this past year of events blessed us with was over and this meant losing another piece of Steve. When we are all together it is like taking a shot of him because he is so much a part of us. I miss him more when the kids are around, but I feel him more when they are around too.

 The ice began to crack under my feet with each event of this past year and despite my best efforts to hold it back, the winter of my soul has succumbed to the rushing spring hidden so well just below the surface. You can’t hold back the seasons of life and now my spring has begun whether I’m ready or not and this means my new life without Steve must now begin. Mary’s graduation was now past, Christmas had passed as well and the New Year was fast approaching. I had started looking very hard for a job again, and even enrolled with a job assistance place and was informed about a program for displaced homemakers like myself. I really was not feeling as hopeful as I wanted to feel especially when people kept telling me how hard it is to get a job. But, hey, never fear, when you have a large family, something always comes up. On December 29 my newlyweds sent me a text informing me I would be a grandma again this year. Yes I said they texted me actually it was a picture of the stick saying pregnant and I started crying because of the goodness of God. God never lets me down and I now have something to look forward to.

 On New Year’s Eve we had our second annual mini high school lunch gathering at a local restaurant. Even one of our most beloved, might I say very young looking teachers came to catch up with us too adding to our delightful afternoon.  There were so many cameras clicking I swear people thought we were celebrities. (Of course we were in our own minds and to each other and that was all that mattered.)  I promise we look better now than we did in high school and it is not only because our eyesight may be failing a bit, but we now see each with vision only maturity and wisdom brings. We loved each other well that day embracing each other squealing in pure delight at seeing each other again. We had so much fun catching up and we didn’t want to leave each other but we had to because it was New Year's Eve and most of us had plans. It is interesting that the end of 2011 brought my past back but in a new and interesting way. As we left the building a dear friend asked me if I was still looking for a job, and I of course let her know about my efforts to find a job. She told me to come in on Monday for an interview for the dental office she works at. Divine appointments and divine connections once again and I knew the New Year would be a great new start to my new life. I left there feeling on top of the world, ready for 2012.

Before I left the house for this special luncheon, my niece crawled up into my lap and asked “Ney Ney, are you still married?” I was struck by the directness of her question because I had never thought she would think about such things as this. I was briefly at a loss for words about it because it is something never mentioned  just assumed and not something I think about on purpose. I told her no I wasn't, even though my heart was in conflict saying that wasn't a true statement. Then she proceeded to ask “Where is your wedding ring” and I informed her I had put it away in a very special place, because I never want to lose it. I have lost some weight and it keeps sliding off so to protect it and myself, I don’t wear it daily. I could see her little mind still working as she asked “Ney Ney, do you think you will get a boyfriend?” This just made me laugh. She is five years old processing my loss better than I am and thinking much quicker than I am about moving on.

Monday finally came and I was so pleased to meet with this very nice dentist who actually took the time to meet with me face to face and assess me in person. I bless him because I had filled out so many applications online and not one person called me back for an interview. The whole process had been cold and impersonal up to this point. I was sent home after the interview to fill out my application and as I was filling in the forms for income tax withholding, I stumbled upon boxes that didn’t suit me. They only had boxes for single, married or head of household and nothing for me and what I was. My mind was screaming that I was still married but now I am single not by choice of course. Where was the box for this? I was very annoyed to have to make another connection in my brain which leads me back to Steve’s death yet again. So let me get this straight in the whole scheme of reality I am single. This is my official status? So because I still feel married crawling out of the married box felt so unnatural. There isn’t a box on income tax forms that say widowed; they don’t really care about that. I am single  and to me that always meant looking for someone but I’m not looking so you see  I want to scream onto the tax forms that I am single but NOT BY CHOICE PEOPLE. Where is the box for that? Someone please make a box for me that I can handle. Perhaps single-ish would do for those of us in transition.

So yes, yet again I am still adjusting to my status; geez you would think after fifteen months I would realize by now that this is real. I was very much ready to start work on today but I had a few hoops to jump through and paperwork associated with the on the job training program I am enrolled in. I don’t believe those people at the workforce place realized how quickly God works. I hope to go to work on Monday now.  I don’t understand why God is allowing this week before perhaps just to make me more single minded.  I am filled with anticipation and uncertainty but very eager to get to work and be busy again. I know I needed this processing time to adjust to the ideas of not being readily available to my kids anymore, being single and tying up other loose ends. I will not question God on this and will go with His flow and take advantage of this down time. I feel like tossing my hat into the air shouting here I come world hope you’re read, (heck hope I am).