There is a restlessness in me today. I just want to do something, don’t know what I want to do yet, but I feel I am just sitting waiting on life to happen to me, again! I don’t believe I have soaked it all in yet that I am in a new place, new life and this is it. I am waiting to move or go back home to Alabama at the end of this visit. I have been busy since I have been here which is what it has been like every time I have come home to visit, but now the busyness and newness is wearing away and I am looking for a routine. I realize a routine will come but I am fighting one until I get a job. I’m adjusting to the hot humidity, to the quiet house of readers (my parents) I live with now, and impatiently waiting for my life to settle once again.
I feel as if I have been on an overseas journey for the last nine months, doing things I hadn’t ever done and seeing sights I have never seen before and actually hope to never see again. I have yearned to be near siblings, and my parents for many years, but the trade off was leaving three of my children farther away from me than I have ever been away from any of them all these years. The most distance had been 3 hours away until Kyle decided to leave us for North Carolina two years ago. It is unsettling to the mom in me to have this scattered distance of our children like a thought you can’t quite put your finger on. It tugs at my heart ever so lightly but it is felt and constantly lurking. I feel like the empty nesting is attacking finally. I never really had it when Mary moved out I have to say, I had some fun with girlfriends and since I spoke to her nearly every day, it didn’t feel like she was gone at all.
I have battled many demons in these last nine months voices that spoke out of dark places in me voices I thought long gone and dead. The voices so loud at time I thought I was haunted. I responded several times with “get behind me Satan” because I know from where those sorts of ideas come from. I will not kill myself, I will not drink or drug myself into a coma I will not do anything crazy, because I really am quite practical and sensible, so why should such crazy ideas come to me? Perhaps it is my idle mind that torments or the programs I have seen on television, whatever they are, I fight them off with prayer and friends and family.
Keeping my mind engaged helps silence the suggestive thoughts, but they are still whispering. I am so glad to be busy because I can’t hear them at over a great book or project or a conversation with someone. I am just quite surprised to have them at all since I feel I am a pretty balanced person. I believe if I didn’t know God, I would surrender and fall into a deep pit of despair. I notice I don’t wonder about or judge people anymore who commit suicide or drink their selves into a stupor to dull their pain. I understand where the voices come from and will no longer say “What were they thinking. How can they be so selfish?” The voices can be loud and demanding, like drums pounding in your head over and over using enticing arguments against you, making you feel entitled to give in and have some “relief”. It isn’t pretty but then again nothing evil is.
Thank God for His love and my family. Thank God I am able to fight the battle for my mind and recognize it for what it is. I pray for those who do not know and are kept in the dark about the power of God and the prayers that have helped me battle the darkness. So many movies I have seen are more real to me about the battles of good and evil. Evil really does exist people and it never takes a holiday, so we must always be vigilant and on guard not to fall asleep in our efforts to see good in all things. I have bound my mind to Christ and can do all things through him, when I am weak as I am now; He is my strength and battles for me. It amazes me to see myself rise out of the violent vocal storms of the wee morning hours as My God rides in at dawn never failing to rescue me and put me back on my pillow to sleep a whole nights rest in a few short hours.
Ah, this restlessness settles again and life is good once more. Blogging has busied my mind and done what it was meant to do, sorry to put it this so bluntly, but basically vomiting onto paper what has made me sick inside this morning. Purging is good not pretty, but oh the relief of it.
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