Yes I am still awake, as I look at my Iphone and it says, 12:20 a.m. July 19 and then I understand the restlessness of my spirit. When does my biological clock stop counting the months since widowhood began? Nine months I have been lost in this terrible dream, at least at the end of nine months of pregnancy I had some blessed reward for the aches and pains I endured. I once heard it takes two weeks to break a habit, hello? It has been 9 months and I still want to speak to my husband. no not only speak to him, I want him to respond back to me. I want a conversation with him and it is just that simple desire that has me feeling like I can scream.
My nieces were here for a visit today and I wanted to record Aly dancing so I could send it to Steve for his enjoyment. I loved taking pictures of them to send to him then he would call me and we would talk about them and how much they have grown. He loved my siblings and most especially he enjoyed being around his nieces and nephews because they made him laugh. I miss having him around to share silly moments and photographs with. It is hard to explain to someone who sees me surrounded by people all the time now, that I just want to share something with Steve. I suppose it was the intimacy of our heart connection that I miss most. There really is no putting a finger on it, but to say it is like feeling for a missing limb. Who can believe you still feel it. My mind is still used to connecting with Steve for special moments and who knows how long this will last, the rest of my life?
I was praying this evening for a very special family member who shall remain unnamed for now, and realized how much I miss praying with Steve about family situations and events. Sure I did the “Steve I know you’re praying about this” shtick to try to connect with him but there was nothing but dead air back at me. My man loved to talk and he loved to pray even more, so you can understand why the silent treatment isn’t working to make me feel better. Did I ever think of him so much when he was alive? I see him everywhere and think of him way too often. Yes, I am still okay with the death of him, but not so alright with the length of time he has been gone. I need to produce some sort of baby from this nine month life altering event.
I have been experiencing so many things I want to share with him,and only him. I share things with my mom and dad, sisters or friends, but it isn’t as satisfying as sharing them with Steve. It might be gratifying sometime in the future, but not yet. I am depressed I guess, nothing seems to interest me too much except visits from my kids or grandkids. I know we are having another grandbaby soon, but I have yet to get giddy stupid grandma about it yet. I feel grey, not blue. Blue is over the top in the color scheme for me, I am just grey right now which means black is gone so hey, I must be getting better. I expect when Brennan comes, I will be all yellow and orangy again.
So Steve, just so you know darling, my clock still ticks for you and you are still part of my routine. I pray with you, even though your aren’t here, I still shop for you, even though I don’t buy you clothes I talk to you and tell you about the kids. I still have you voice recorded on my phone so I can never forget your voice, though you may not respond correctly to what I say, it is always perfect since it breaks the silence and comforts me for a brief minute. Love you darling and miss you munga.
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