Reclaiming the Day

My week with Hannah is over and I had so much fun but admit that I’m pretty tired. She kept me busy and exhausted the whole week but this was God’s divine plan I guess. I saw the storm of the week coming months ahead of time, I prepared the best I could and I rode it out as perfectly as God could have planned for me. I didn’t have time to think, react or even be melancholy. It is now the day after and my life is a vacuum now and only now do I have time to think and it is settling in. I did nothing to commemorate the death of my husband, Steve and I wonder should I have done something? I don’t know how this widow stuff works. Should I have spent some time at a church or with family and friends having a drink at least?

 I went to the zoo with Hannah, my parents and my sister and my niece Julia and enjoyed the day much more than I should have. Is that bad? It was a wonderful day of mourning and I know if Steve were here he would have loved the way I spent the day. Watching those two toddlers squealing madly while running as fast as their little legs could carry them into a resting flock of birds naturally causing them to take flight made me laugh on this day of tears. I would much rather laugh than cry wouldn’t you? It was a good memory made on that dreaded day and I would say I repurposed that anniversary day as a fun zoo day with the girls. Maybe I will plan something fun on that day from here on out to make it a day to look forward to instead of looking backwards. I will reclaim the day while celebrating love of family.

 I will say that the first thought I had that morning when I woke up was how oblivious I was a year ago about how my life was about to change so drastically. We have no clue do we what each day will bring? I still had Steve at the time I arose that October morning a year ago but quickly became concerned because he didn’t answer my phone calls. I had started to get worried but knew I was probably overreacting as I often did. I explained it away telling myself he was probably extremely tired and couldn’t hear his phone. Why not it had happened so often before but this morning I was more concerned. I was going to give him a couple more hours then I planned to call his dispatcher just to put my mind to ease. Then Hannah woke up and I quit thinking about it.  I had flashbacks a several times throughout my day, mostly whenever I looked at a clock. I saw the sheriff officers faces again as they told me about Steve, I saw my friends at my house, and my family coming home, but there is still so many lost moments of that day that I can’t recall. Why did I want to remember so badly? At the end of the day I spent some time in my bed reflecting, trying to push away thoughts of where I was a year ago in bed with my daughter crying ourselves to sleep.

I heard from all my children that day also and because we were at the zoo when everyone called, I had no time to really go to the sad place because I was chasing Hannah around. Talk about a well thought out plan to keep my mind busy. It really was pretty nearly a perfect day.  I am amazed at the strength of my children through all of this. Their love has really been a blessing and a testament to the love Steve and I shared. They are so caring and have been so patient and helpful to me and strong for me when I felt weak. I say my children I want you to know that this includes my daughters in law including my very soon to be one also. Life really does go on and we must go on too. This is why I know Steve would have loved how the anniversary day was spent. Where there is sorrow, joy is the medicine and I had my joy. Hannah was the joy in both of our lives and he enjoyed watching me love on Hannah. Sometimes while I was holding her I would catch him watching us across the room and he would mouth I love you to me as he took in the joy on our faces as we loved on each other. It was as if he knew she would be the balm for my soul one day. His face often showed mixed emotions of pain and joy and I noticed it most when I held her. I thought it was because we didn’t get to see her as much as we wanted to due to the distance from our home but as hindsight gnaws at me I wonder, did he see further than I did?

When I saw him in the casket, I saw a smirk on his face like he knew something I didn’t. He was so peaceful then and I wondered how he could be so peaceful when I was such a mess. I was so mad at him but thank God I am at peace now I think. It has been a year and I survived, and then some and am starting a new life. I will live it as full as before because I know Steve always only wanted the best for me and hated when he did anything to cause me pain. He was the most generous person I knew and am so glad I had 29 years with him. I can’t wait to see him again and tell him all the things I have done since last we saw each other. He will be so proud of our family. My darling, I cry a little but it is only because I miss you and can’t wait to see you again. It hardly hurts at all anymore we are doing well this year after. I never would have believed I could feel good again, but I do. ILYM my darling!

Has it been a year already?

I started blogging last year wondering had it been three weeks already since my husband died and here I am a year later still wondering where the time goes when you are not looking. Has it been a year already? I am amazed at the ground I have covered and that the busyness of my life has kept “that day” and “that month” at bay. I am forced to face tomorrow morning when I wake up though. Tomorrow will be one year later from the worst day of my life. It can also be said that one year ago a new way of life was forced upon me. However you say it tomorrow will come and go as surely as the time ebbs and flows and the running from “the day” is over.  My mind has adapted and I am a widow and have accepted that stupid word describing what I am right now. Even I know I am much more than that now but I remember how I hated that word last year. Last year that word was nailed to my heart and I was forced to take on this hideous moniker much like The Scarlet Letter except mine was black. I tried to hide, finally gave in and now I don’t give it a second thought usually.

I confess I haven’t looked forward to October at all. It was pretty much the end of the detachment phase that my mind had conveniently set for me. October would be a year after and I felt that was a pretty good time to be done with the big grieving and felt that I must let it all go. I fought this inner battle so hard and for so long because every thought of letting go meant abandoning Steve and our life together. I suppressed it and tried not to think of this month or that day nearly every day for a year so it pretty much got lost in my busy life but now it is here.

Have you ever had a dream where you are running from something and you just wear yourself out running all night? Most therapists would say to try to become aware that you are dreaming somewhere in the dream, stop running and turn around and face what is coming. So tonight I stand vigil and turn and face tomorrow and the memories which will shadow everything I do tomorrow. I am blessed because I am taking care of my beautiful granddaughter for this week and it is nearly impossible to be sad with her around. I took great comfort in having her around me last year as well during our one week of mourning together as a family.  Tomorrow I will feel the weight of this last year and as I say my goodbyes to my year of firsts, I know I won’t cry. Who can cry when God has been so good to me all year?

Unfortunately my darling grandson, Brennan, has had some health issues since his birth two months ago and I am watching my granddaughter Hannah for them while his mother takes him to some doctor’s appointments this week. I will say it took absolutely no arm twisting at all to get me to jump in to help. I know Ryan and Shannon are missing Hannah but I appreciate their sacrifice for giving her over to me for this week of all weeks. I know it was a hard decision for them to make but it worked together for the good of us all I hope and poor little Brennan’s will get well in the process.

I have been bathed in love by God through Hannah and my soul has leapt so much that it has nearly left my body on several occasions.  Hannah is a master at squealing with pure delight and it does my heart good when she does it just because she is excited to be with me. It is as if she is so overloaded with joy that it just bursts out in squeals and giggles.  No one has ever shown love to me like that ever. I love to watch her run and laugh in the back yard and explore every nook and cranny at the playground. I love listening to her sing and question everything constantly seeking knowledge. She is a pure bundle of joy. Heaven knows what tomorrow will bring when my parents and I take Hannah to the zoo, but it can only be wonderful. She has been a miraculous protection against the sadness tomorrow should bring to me but won’t because joy comes in the morning and her name is Hannah. I am so blessed.

So you see, I am sad, yet when I face tomorrow with my secret weapon of joy, it will diffuse any assaults of pity which will be lurking in the shadows. Hannah will squeal them away and the sound of our laughter will lighten all the dark areas of grief. You are not forgotten my love, you have just left us for a little while and we will all see you again soon. In the meantime I will continue to take comfort in our family and move forward in my life because it is best for me and I know it is what you want for me. It is a month of closing doors of our old life, darling. Last week I closed on our house and this week is the last first with the exception of a wedding next month.   I don’t remember much about my first fall without you last year, but I promise the memories of this fall will be good ones. October isn’t such a dreaded month anymore and I intend to enjoy this, my second fall, without you this year. I miss you, I love you, and am glad to be moving on. I will see you soon my love in God’s precious timing.

October

Today was Steve’s birthday and I had a mini-mourn time this morning during my walk, while in the car, while at my storage shed, while on the phone with my daughter and once or twice during the football game. They come as I think about my last time with him a year ago. I do remember he came in late on the evening of his birthday and he was tired but the part that hurts most is that I didn’t realize how special that time should have been.  I know I cooked him a steak dinner and gave his a birthday card and small gift a shirt I had bought him but we quickly fell into our home routine and he slept a lot. I gave him a stinking shirt as the last gift I ever gave him and this bothers me. I would have loved to have bought him more but we agreed to put our focus on fixing up the house instead of gifts. A shirt that I gave away with all of his other clothes.

 I can’t remember much about his last birthday on earth nor the two days after his birthday but I remember our last day together very well. I can recall our last day together because we ventured from our routine and drove to Montgomery to visit the eye doctor to determine if I was going to have Lasik surgery or not. We looked at flooring to put into our house before our ThanksChristmas celebration. After searching at several places in Montgomery we drove to Prattville where we found a pattern we both liked and purchased it in Prattville which is near Montgomery. We had a nice dinner  before heading back home  to Selma but during dinner his company called him to pick up a load that night forcing us to shorten our day together.  It was hard to see him leave since I knew we had spent far too much time awake and felt he should have had more rest before leaving. I worried all the time about him not getting enough sleep and pushing himself too hard. 

I just can’t shake Steve today or probably this whole month will be hard for me. I guess from now on October will be my Steve month. He was born and died in October and this is just occurring to me a year later as I blog. Not many people are born and die in the same month so it is just more proof that he is special I mean was special. I still have issues with tenses when referring to him.  If I could pick up the remote and fast forward through this month I would. It is so weird that I actually hoped this month wouldn’t happen maybe this is why I am walking. Today I wished I was running and truly felt I could have just run away. The self protect kicked in and I just wanted to escape from October, my reality, and any sort of thinking. On my walk I thought if I could only hurt myself like break a leg or an arm, it could refocus my mind elsewhere. I am too chicken to do it, because it would hurt too much, but I now know why men punch walls.  I would too, if I didn’t know it would hurt so badly, but I really wanted to today. I also thought about cranking my music louder, drinking in excess, walking until I dropped from exhaustion, and just sitting down never to get up again. What did I do about any of these silly thoughts? I just walked it off and fell into my small routines of life and kept on going. I have the tendency to think so dramatically sometimes, but act quite the opposite. I am actually cautious and safe although the thought of skydiving keeps popping into my head.

How many thoughts are never acted on? I Thank God that I don’t act on them because when I am weak, He is strong for me. These crazy things enter my head and my autopilot answers them by steering me on the right course and keeping me there despite my attempts to grab the wheel again. I will get past this month, I will continue to make forward progress and I will have joy in all situations. I tried to bypass being sad but this emotion is a true one and one I have to live with, but won’t allow it to be stronger than joy. I was blessed to have had Steve in my life, I am sad he is no longer here with me. I am glad we had five wonderful children and Steve lives on in them. I am sad because I miss him and no one on earth knew me like he did. I am sad he didn’t get to do all the things he wanted to do, but I am glad I know I will see him again one day. A proper balance of sad and glad I would say. If you catch me in the sad too much, I trust you, my friends, will slap me back to proper balance. October is a beautiful month usually and will be for me again one day. Perhaps next year.

I Walk a Crooked Mile

I found out yesterday morning after my walk that I can’t walk a straight line. I walk the straight and narrow pretty much most of the time and have most of my life but who thinks about how they walk, right? After my walk yesterday I checked my path on this fancy pedometer app I have on my phone. It shows my route and clocks my steps and even plays my music. I like it but was so amused and a bit surprised to view my very crooked walk on my phone. I never think about how straight I walk but the red line on this map showed I walk like a drunken sailor. Please no comments about me once being one. Such is the story of my entire life. I think I am walking straight, but really I am just a crooked walker. There was a crooked man who walked a crooked mile and I am she.

I have noticed while walking with traffic, I tend to veer towards the car coming up behind me then and as it passes by me. I am like a moth to a flame, not wanting to be hit by a car, but my natural magnetic current inside wants to veer and I find myself struggling and thinking hard about not stepping into traffic and then I lose my train of thought. When I pass a person on the walking path I have the same tendencies. Am I naturally attracted to where I am not supposed to be? Steve and I always had this “discussion” as I always ran into him when we walked anywhere. It was the strangest thing, but I always veered his way making him give up ground and walked into him much too many times to tell.  No matter the side he walked on, I wanted it too. He didn’t like to walk with me. I never noticed that I did it and I just thought he was being dramatic and secretly thought he was the crooked walker, not me. So imagine my reality check to see me doing it as I walk alone each morning. He was right all along. I guess I have a hard time walking a straight line.

I also realized how conditioned I am to the rules of the road as I walked along that walking path this morning. I always stay on my side of the path even if no one else is on it with me hugging the edge of the sidewalk like an obedient dutiful citizen. I am programmed to walk like I was trained to drive. (Oh goodness if I am a crooked walker, I must be a crooked driver too, do you think?)On the way back I decided to walk down the center of my concrete walking path and do you know what? I didn’t focus on falling off the edge as much and it made it easier to walk. I had missed out on this for so long (well only a month actually) this wonderful walking freedom.  As I walked in this new found freedom I heard God saying to me it is my choice to walk in the center, the world tries its hardest to get us to stumble off the edge and to strive to focus on not falling off. It is a distraction. If I walk in the middle, the kingdom road, people will have plenty of room to pass if they choose or walk along side, but I need to choose to walk freely unencumbered down the center path.

I noticed after that mini revelation, that I was so much more focused and relieved. I wasn’t constantly wondering if I was going to slip and sprain an ankle or worse fall down face first sprawled out in someone’s front lawn there by making a fool of myself and then I would not be able to walk the path anymore because of the humiliation it would bring. (Yup I took you via that run on sentence to the place my mind wanders while on the edge) I totally owned the middle ground this morning and loved it and continued to the end of my walk. I was also walking faster and thinking clearer because I knew if someone wanted to get around me they could because the path was wide enough. Even if I might have to move one step over to allow a walking twosome by, I still had plenty of room to keep me from the edge. I know this sounds stupid but I am breaking out of an old mindset and setting up a new and improved one for myself.

So now the pressure is off of me. I am a crooked walker and will walk a crooked mile or two down the center of my life’s path. You can walk beside me if you dare and we will walk crookedly together even crossing into each other’s path sometimes.  I also Iearned on my crooked little walk today l that I am attracted to what is bad for me and attracted to what is good for me too, people. I know that as long as I stay in the middle I should be alright and it is my choice to walk right down the middle. So you see, the path can be as crooked as need be to get the job done and that job is moving toward my goal in life to finish well.

The Hissy Fit

So I will be very naked and honest in this blog today hoping someone else can learn by my craziness.

I have been trying to sell my home for nearly 6 months now and had someone who looked promising but the last week of September he was unable to meet the demands of the bank so that fell through. I was disappointed and my realtor promised to keep looking and called me the next day with news someone with cash was looking to buy. She called me back later telling me the very disheartening news that they had cash, but it wasn’t what I needed to cover my payoff and I would have to come out of pocket a few thousand. I tried to counter offer and told her I needed the weekend to pray about it and mourn it through and would let her know my decision on Monday. I was secretly hoping they would come up with more money and God would work on them over the weekend so they could see how badly they were hurting me. I know laughable, but it really seems to be all about me I say blushing at the shame of this revelation.

I can’t begin to tell you how angry I was with God. I am glad He was not in corporal form because I would have mouthed off and maybe got violent. (Yes I am laughing as I type this because I am all talk. I would be dumbfounded and on the ground but at least He knows what I am capable of thinking up to do to Him). I took all this anger and pain with me on our walks and we had it out, mostly I did, He just listened and I felt I heard some truth on Friday but mostly He got the earful. Saturday by the end of my walk I was softening but still grudging everything about the situation. I pleaded for the extra money and at one point accepted the loss then found myself fantasizing about how God would love that I came to this revelation and would find me more money. I half expected this to happen really I did. I thought all the vengeful thoughts I could think about these people and how I could get back at them. I thought, about God’s motives to make me miserable and pay for all my sins through this inaction of His. I even threw in Steve’s death in there at some point just to make Him feel bad. Several times I said “If this is the kind of husband you are going to be, I don’t want you”. Yeah can you believe lightening didn’t strike me?  I threw my temper tantrum and had a pity party for myself that whole weekend as I mulled it over whether to cut my nose off and spite my face. It was ugly I was mean and spiteful and scary but on Sunday the tide turned and thus came love and confirmation.

I spent most of the day with my sister and brother in law and had a fun time. I felt loved and wanted and realized the next morning the Lord was loving on me through them. It was like Steve used to do to me to shut me up when I was panicked he just hugged me tight until I couldn’t struggle anymore and my strength left me and so did the fight. I made my decision before I went to bed that night that in the morning, I would bite the bullet and take the meager offer on my house.  This is the attitude I had going to bed and upon my rising. I bit a bullet. My girlfriends called that night and they had prayed and cried for me, but came to the same conclusion as they prayed for me.

On my morning walk on Monday, I prayed and the Lord brought me so much peace about it. He is my strong tower and though He didn’t show up the way I expected Him to, He still showed up. This had been the month I have been dreading for a year now. A year ago I was happy and spending time with Steve and on the 19^th of October I lost him forever and I was not looking forward to this anniversary month at all. October 9^th is his birthday also so you see when God brought this opportunity to close the door to Selma to me at the very beginning of October, how could I say no? He is still in control in my life and the money I will lose now, I will recoup later. Besides I am sure He is answering the prayers of my buyers as well. It will be alright for us all. I began to see more truth and my heart began to open. Later Monday afternoon I got a blessing from my prayer group of girls in Selma and a lovely card to hang onto hope. I felt their love and God's embrace through them.

 I found myself praying for the buyers to say yes they still wanted the house after the long weekend and this is when revelation set in and the lesson God was teaching me began to unfold. Fear had entered the picture in such a big way and opened the door to all the shame and control issues I had rid myself of earlier in my life. I became paralyzed with fear once again and that brought out the claws as I fought hard against the only one who always loves me. I had a hard time seeing beyond the bitterness, disappointment and anger that I was feeling so I could get to the root of the issue which was trust. I didn’t trust God with this part of my life; the financial end that is because I never trusted Steve with it. I was trying to control it from day one when I first started to sell my house. I thought I had let it go, but really I wasn’t allowing God to control this. I see this now and as I walked this morning, I bound my stupid trust issues to Christ.

I saw Jesus in the Garden praying for His cup to pass Him by, much like I was doing this past weekend as I prayed they could come up with more money to lessen my pain.  Jesus and I were praying for an eleventh hour save by God hoping He would say “Okay, okay, let’s do it your way, it’s so much better”. So as I repented realizing Jesus had similar issues (I know pitiful isn’t it comparing Death to money problems) and He accepted His death and still drank from His cup, surely I could accept my little ole shot glass of pain. I was so sad that I had blown this so out of proportion, but comforted by God to see I wasn’t alone in my pleading for a different less painful outcome. I began to see how silly my issue was in comparison, but very glad to be in good company as I swallowed the bitter pill and accepted this. Yes my walk this morning was an Emmaus epiphany. I repented the whole way home and began to welcome the idea of being a blessing to someone who needs a house. I like being an answer to someone’s prayers and pray many blessings on the people who will get our house. Can you believe I feel this way now? I can’t, and it is only by giving it to God that I can have this peace and not look on this sale as a curse, but a blessing.

This morning’s daily readings happened (no coincidences with God) to be about Jonah’s disappointment after God stayed His hand and rescued the city of Nineveh. Jonah had gone through hell and back and wanted to see just a little punishment, because he had suffered harassment and wanted to see some consequences fall upon the city maybe like as a reward for his obedience. God sent him a plant to shade him, it died and Jonah complained. It was only God’s mercy that put it there in the first place; he didn’t deserve it at all. I don’t deserve anything either but the good grace of God keeps finding me.   What I expected isn’t what God had planned just like with Jonah’s disappointment and his expectations. God is showing up big for the buyers of my house who am I to begrudge what God has in store for them? He loves them as much as He loves me. So if I take my eyes off of me for a moment, I can see God showing up big and it is that simple.

The blessing is, I am learning to see deeper into my tantrums more quickly, and I recognize them for what they are sooner than later. The poison of anger and bitterness doesn’t have time to work and get a hold on my life anymore. Thank God for that and I can now move forward in peace in this present situation in the knowledge that God truly has my back, my front, and my sides, and he is above and below me.  He still has me wrapped in His mantle of love and He is my good husband and in Him do I place my love and my trust in all things. I hope my next tantrum only lasts a minute and I await the day when I can’t be lured into one at all. I do not like my peace taken from me, especially when I am doing it to myself.