So I will be very naked and honest in this blog today hoping someone else can learn by my craziness.
I have been trying to sell my home for nearly 6 months now and had someone who looked promising but the last week of September he was unable to meet the demands of the bank so that fell through. I was disappointed and my realtor promised to keep looking and called me the next day with news someone with cash was looking to buy. She called me back later telling me the very disheartening news that they had cash, but it wasn’t what I needed to cover my payoff and I would have to come out of pocket a few thousand. I tried to counter offer and told her I needed the weekend to pray about it and mourn it through and would let her know my decision on Monday. I was secretly hoping they would come up with more money and God would work on them over the weekend so they could see how badly they were hurting me. I know laughable, but it really seems to be all about me I say blushing at the shame of this revelation.
I can’t begin to tell you how angry I was with God. I am glad He was not in corporal form because I would have mouthed off and maybe got violent. (Yes I am laughing as I type this because I am all talk. I would be dumbfounded and on the ground but at least He knows what I am capable of thinking up to do to Him). I took all this anger and pain with me on our walks and we had it out, mostly I did, He just listened and I felt I heard some truth on Friday but mostly He got the earful. Saturday by the end of my walk I was softening but still grudging everything about the situation. I pleaded for the extra money and at one point accepted the loss then found myself fantasizing about how God would love that I came to this revelation and would find me more money. I half expected this to happen really I did. I thought all the vengeful thoughts I could think about these people and how I could get back at them. I thought, about God’s motives to make me miserable and pay for all my sins through this inaction of His. I even threw in Steve’s death in there at some point just to make Him feel bad. Several times I said “If this is the kind of husband you are going to be, I don’t want you”. Yeah can you believe lightening didn’t strike me? I threw my temper tantrum and had a pity party for myself that whole weekend as I mulled it over whether to cut my nose off and spite my face. It was ugly I was mean and spiteful and scary but on Sunday the tide turned and thus came love and confirmation.
I spent most of the day with my sister and brother in law and had a fun time. I felt loved and wanted and realized the next morning the Lord was loving on me through them. It was like Steve used to do to me to shut me up when I was panicked he just hugged me tight until I couldn’t struggle anymore and my strength left me and so did the fight. I made my decision before I went to bed that night that in the morning, I would bite the bullet and take the meager offer on my house. This is the attitude I had going to bed and upon my rising. I bit a bullet. My girlfriends called that night and they had prayed and cried for me, but came to the same conclusion as they prayed for me.
On my morning walk on Monday, I prayed and the Lord brought me so much peace about it. He is my strong tower and though He didn’t show up the way I expected Him to, He still showed up. This had been the month I have been dreading for a year now. A year ago I was happy and spending time with Steve and on the 19th of October I lost him forever and I was not looking forward to this anniversary month at all. October 9th is his birthday also so you see when God brought this opportunity to close the door to Selma to me at the very beginning of October, how could I say no? He is still in control in my life and the money I will lose now, I will recoup later. Besides I am sure He is answering the prayers of my buyers as well. It will be alright for us all. I began to see more truth and my heart began to open. Later Monday afternoon I got a blessing from my prayer group of girls in Selma and a lovely card to hang onto hope. I felt their love and God's embrace through them.
I found myself praying for the buyers to say yes they still wanted the house after the long weekend and this is when revelation set in and the lesson God was teaching me began to unfold. Fear had entered the picture in such a big way and opened the door to all the shame and control issues I had rid myself of earlier in my life. I became paralyzed with fear once again and that brought out the claws as I fought hard against the only one who always loves me. I had a hard time seeing beyond the bitterness, disappointment and anger that I was feeling so I could get to the root of the issue which was trust. I didn’t trust God with this part of my life; the financial end that is because I never trusted Steve with it. I was trying to control it from day one when I first started to sell my house. I thought I had let it go, but really I wasn’t allowing God to control this. I see this now and as I walked this morning, I bound my stupid trust issues to Christ.
I saw Jesus in the Garden praying for His cup to pass Him by, much like I was doing this past weekend as I prayed they could come up with more money to lessen my pain. Jesus and I were praying for an eleventh hour save by God hoping He would say “Okay, okay, let’s do it your way, it’s so much better”. So as I repented realizing Jesus had similar issues (I know pitiful isn’t it comparing Death to money problems) and He accepted His death and still drank from His cup, surely I could accept my little ole shot glass of pain. I was so sad that I had blown this so out of proportion, but comforted by God to see I wasn’t alone in my pleading for a different less painful outcome. I began to see how silly my issue was in comparison, but very glad to be in good company as I swallowed the bitter pill and accepted this. Yes my walk this morning was an Emmaus epiphany. I repented the whole way home and began to welcome the idea of being a blessing to someone who needs a house. I like being an answer to someone’s prayers and pray many blessings on the people who will get our house. Can you believe I feel this way now? I can’t, and it is only by giving it to God that I can have this peace and not look on this sale as a curse, but a blessing.
This morning’s daily readings happened (no coincidences with God) to be about Jonah’s disappointment after God stayed His hand and rescued the city of Nineveh. Jonah had gone through hell and back and wanted to see just a little punishment, because he had suffered harassment and wanted to see some consequences fall upon the city maybe like as a reward for his obedience. God sent him a plant to shade him, it died and Jonah complained. It was only God’s mercy that put it there in the first place; he didn’t deserve it at all. I don’t deserve anything either but the good grace of God keeps finding me. What I expected isn’t what God had planned just like with Jonah’s disappointment and his expectations. God is showing up big for the buyers of my house who am I to begrudge what God has in store for them? He loves them as much as He loves me. So if I take my eyes off of me for a moment, I can see God showing up big and it is that simple.
The blessing is, I am learning to see deeper into my tantrums more quickly, and I recognize them for what they are sooner than later. The poison of anger and bitterness doesn’t have time to work and get a hold on my life anymore. Thank God for that and I can now move forward in peace in this present situation in the knowledge that God truly has my back, my front, and my sides, and he is above and below me. He still has me wrapped in His mantle of love and He is my good husband and in Him do I place my love and my trust in all things. I hope my next tantrum only lasts a minute and I await the day when I can’t be lured into one at all. I do not like my peace taken from me, especially when I am doing it to myself.
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