October

Today was Steve’s birthday and I had a mini-mourn time this morning during my walk, while in the car, while at my storage shed, while on the phone with my daughter and once or twice during the football game. They come as I think about my last time with him a year ago. I do remember he came in late on the evening of his birthday and he was tired but the part that hurts most is that I didn’t realize how special that time should have been.  I know I cooked him a steak dinner and gave his a birthday card and small gift a shirt I had bought him but we quickly fell into our home routine and he slept a lot. I gave him a stinking shirt as the last gift I ever gave him and this bothers me. I would have loved to have bought him more but we agreed to put our focus on fixing up the house instead of gifts. A shirt that I gave away with all of his other clothes.

 I can’t remember much about his last birthday on earth nor the two days after his birthday but I remember our last day together very well. I can recall our last day together because we ventured from our routine and drove to Montgomery to visit the eye doctor to determine if I was going to have Lasik surgery or not. We looked at flooring to put into our house before our ThanksChristmas celebration. After searching at several places in Montgomery we drove to Prattville where we found a pattern we both liked and purchased it in Prattville which is near Montgomery. We had a nice dinner  before heading back home  to Selma but during dinner his company called him to pick up a load that night forcing us to shorten our day together.  It was hard to see him leave since I knew we had spent far too much time awake and felt he should have had more rest before leaving. I worried all the time about him not getting enough sleep and pushing himself too hard. 

I just can’t shake Steve today or probably this whole month will be hard for me. I guess from now on October will be my Steve month. He was born and died in October and this is just occurring to me a year later as I blog. Not many people are born and die in the same month so it is just more proof that he is special I mean was special. I still have issues with tenses when referring to him.  If I could pick up the remote and fast forward through this month I would. It is so weird that I actually hoped this month wouldn’t happen maybe this is why I am walking. Today I wished I was running and truly felt I could have just run away. The self protect kicked in and I just wanted to escape from October, my reality, and any sort of thinking. On my walk I thought if I could only hurt myself like break a leg or an arm, it could refocus my mind elsewhere. I am too chicken to do it, because it would hurt too much, but I now know why men punch walls.  I would too, if I didn’t know it would hurt so badly, but I really wanted to today. I also thought about cranking my music louder, drinking in excess, walking until I dropped from exhaustion, and just sitting down never to get up again. What did I do about any of these silly thoughts? I just walked it off and fell into my small routines of life and kept on going. I have the tendency to think so dramatically sometimes, but act quite the opposite. I am actually cautious and safe although the thought of skydiving keeps popping into my head.

How many thoughts are never acted on? I Thank God that I don’t act on them because when I am weak, He is strong for me. These crazy things enter my head and my autopilot answers them by steering me on the right course and keeping me there despite my attempts to grab the wheel again. I will get past this month, I will continue to make forward progress and I will have joy in all situations. I tried to bypass being sad but this emotion is a true one and one I have to live with, but won’t allow it to be stronger than joy. I was blessed to have had Steve in my life, I am sad he is no longer here with me. I am glad we had five wonderful children and Steve lives on in them. I am sad because I miss him and no one on earth knew me like he did. I am sad he didn’t get to do all the things he wanted to do, but I am glad I know I will see him again one day. A proper balance of sad and glad I would say. If you catch me in the sad too much, I trust you, my friends, will slap me back to proper balance. October is a beautiful month usually and will be for me again one day. Perhaps next year.