Carrot cake and Bug Spray

 I was going to write a few pages to the beginning of my novel so my teacher can read it and correct it for me, but as I wrote it I started to shake again. Of course my life and the experience of Steve’s death sounds like an idea for a novel, but reliving the emotional pain I have tried so hard not to revisit for 17 months proved difficult. I even tried to reread some of my blogs and of course that also proved more painful than I wanted right now. I want to avoid feeling that pain again and have been running away from it. Do I need to confront it? I personally don’t think it needs to be revisited yet. I will have to develop another fantasy world for a novel; reality is too real right now. So I wrote it anyway just to have it on paper. I want it down on paper so I my kids will know some things about me. That task is checked off.

Work is going great and I think I am doing a good job. I have to say I am proud of all I have learned and am still so grateful to have a job. I am blessed. I went to the St. Patricks Parade with my family and my girlfriend came as well with her husband. As we were leaving the parade she had seen her brother there with his wife and a friend and she was speaking with them and I found myself flirting(Yes me go figure, it was still there somewhere buried) with the friend. Now I know it was the green Margaritas that probably got me to go there because I have been so guarded and protective but yes I opened that door and even swapped phone numbers. I find this hilarious because I had not done anything like that in well over 30 years and it just popped out. Truth is, when he said his name was anything other than Steve, I just went with it. How ridiculous is that.

My friend was shocked and awed as was I when I got back to the crawfish table. She only looked at me mouth wide open then said “Well? Do you wanna tell me something? What was that?” Pretty much all I could say was “Hey he isn’t a Steve.” I just played it off knowing it probably would not go anywhere. I had all but forgotten about it until while driving home from work the following Thursday I got a text from that strange number apologizing for not getting back with me. (Yes I texted him after the parade to ask if he was coming to the concert after since we had spoke about it during out mini meet and greet.) He said something about getting a new phone and learning how to use it. Whatever. We texted for awhile while I drove home another daring stupid thing I know.(I seem to be living for my bucket list events and trying to be edgy.)

He called me when I told him I was texting and driving since talking on the phone and driving is so much safer and we had an awkward conversation. I am so not used to this stuff but decided to roll with it anyway. What harm could it do? When I got home I sat in the driveway and talked for a few more minutes before hanging up to go get some much needed food. He told me if I was bored later to call. So I got bored later and texted. It was fun talking with a new friend we both are in the same boat, moving back to town moving in with family relearning the place we grew up in. He asked to take me for a drive in his convertible on Sunday and I said sure. It is the closest thing to a motorcycle, right? Those plans didn’t work out. We spent a day texting and talking and he asked me out for a Margarita after work which I accepted only if I could have some food to go with it. I have a bad tendency not to eat during the day and I knew that could be bad for me in oh so many ways.

The night came and I kid you not I wanted to back out. I felt so scared and stupid I imagine much like I will feel when I jump out of my airplane one day to sky dive. The thrill, and fear all jumbled together causing me to be an absolute mess. My friend didn’t talk me out of it but we did make an escape plan so I could go home early if I needed to and wouldn't appear rude. The plan was that I would text her a help msg when I took a bathroom break so she could call me back after I got back to the table and I would have to leave. I had seen it in a movie once and it worked there. I was serious. I was so nervous and it was obvious I think because he kept asking if I was scared. The dinner turned out nice and I didn’t have to text her. It was difficult to talk in the restaurant so we left and went to a little daiquiri bar near the store I needed to shop at afterwards so I killed two birds with one stone so to speak.

We had some nice conversation and I even had a cat wander up and jump in my lap. That was pretty random and interesting but he was a friendly cat probably owned the bar. It was fast closing in on my bedtime so  I asked him if he wanted to walk over and get the mosquito spray I needed for my canoe trip this weekend and he walked me over there. I think mostly to be chivalrous so I wouldn’t walk alone, but it was nice anyway to see that. While we were in the store he said he wanted to buy me something and said that I would love it. We go to the bakery isle and he proceeds to pick up this yummy looking carrot cake. He was so cute because he was so excited about this carrot cake and well no one has ever bought me a carrot cake before. I was laughing inside. He would not allow me to pay for my bug spray either, which was sweet but not what I wanted since this wasn’t a date or anything. I just let it go and thanked him and let that be ok. No one has ever bought me bug spray and carrot cake all in one night either. I know there is a country song  there in the making.

We parted ways, I was no longer the nervous wreck, still nervous but the wreck part was over. I jumped the shark and I am on my way to another wave of healing and living. I got the best advice from my daughter “take it very very slow, mom” I believe she is right, but I took another step (stumble) forward and here I go again. We are talking on the phone a lot and I was just pleased he wanted to talk to me again much less ask me to go somewhere with him this weekend since I seemed like such a bumbling idot to myself. I guess we can keep each other company. That pretty much is what I was going for, right? To get to know people and keep busy.

Gotta run, I have carrot cake calling to me and a canoe trip in the morning. Life is moving ahead again and once again I find myself seasonably connected to my healing process. Spring brings new life and as scary as that prospect is, I am pretty daring right now. I may get up in that airplane sooner than later. Life is short and my bucket list is too long. I have to start checking things off.

Emotional Hangover

I am alerting you the  readers ahead of time, this isn't pretty. I am hungover and I can't think straight right now but I am experimenting with my feelings which pretty much lie to me too much! You may proceed at your own risk or click over to Facebook or check you email. Good luck.

Well I am having a hangover of sorts this week; it actually started on Sunday evening and has continued throughout this week as I write this on Wednesday. I am just now beginning to be able to put my finger on why. I had dinner two nights in a row this past weekend with a male friend and by friend I mean friend. I confess I enjoyed the company, I enjoyed the attention and I enjoyed the discussions we had but I am having some regrets possibly guilt maybe shame and outright fear.  It is so frightening to me how nice it is to have so many things in common with someone else and how comfortable I am talking with him but my biggest fear would be hurting him or anyone else.  I don’t want this yet. I thought I did because my loneliness gets the best of me sometimes and thought I could handle it but I don’t think I am ready at all. I jumped too soon and perhaps that is why I feel so drained this week.

I opened up a lot about Steve this last weekend and I suppose this is why I am mourning again. I thought I was beyond this phase of missing him and the more I spoke about him and reminisced with my friends about him. Wow it still aches badly.  I need a few more months of healing I guess. This line I walk is so narrow and I see where I can really cause myself or someone else harm because I don’t know my pain threshold yet in this mourning process. I am recognizing my vulnerability and think more isolation is good for me. I don’t feel emotionally prepared to put my heart out there again not that I have started putting it out there yet mind you.  

It didn’t help that today, hump day that the wonderful news my newlywed children gave to me was bittersweet. It seems they will be having a boy in August and they will name him Steven Beau Travis. I am so thrilled for them and so pleased they chose to honor Steve’s memory by naming their first born son after him. I ache right now as I type. Bittersweet is the only word to describe the moment I heard his name. I received the news at work. It is hard to cry and answer the phones in a cheery voice on a day you can’t leave to compose yourself because the other girl called in sick today. Whew lots of sucking it up.  The best thing is workday was over early today and I was able to come home and walk it out of me for an hour before going to my nephew’s play tonight with my dad. I am alright now. God always knows what I need before I need it so why do I try to outrun His plans for me always. Mikey you did an awesome job and I so needed this fun night.

I will say, the class I am taking “How to write a Novel” may prove to be a more “novel” idea than I had originally thought. As I walk my walks and my mind generates creative scenarios, I believe I may have a novel in the making with hardly too much embellishment necessary.  Well first I want my life to be more interesting so I will have something juicy to write about. This little mundane stuff I blog about is just not interesting enough, it is just cathartic for me mostly. I want to fill all my quiet time with activities which do not involve getting too close to making a mistake. I have birthday parties, a canoe trip a St. Patrick’s parade and who knows what else I can fill my weekends with. I even plan to go camping with my kids on my birthday. It is good to keep the mind busy. I need to stop being so anxious to outrun God’s plan for my life since I know it is all His timing and I am the one trying to get my life to a “normal” status. While running in my hamster wheel, I have tripped again.  I am figuring out what my new normal is as I dust off my pants and rub my bruised hands together. Is normal out there somewhere?

Mrs. Magoo

So life is moving along nicely I believe. I have a great job and am getting my routine of it down, laundry on weekend’s errands too. Weekends are always busy for me but I like busy. I am taking a writing course on Tuesday nights which I am very excited about who knows I may write a book after all one day if for no other reason than to purge my computer of all these saved files.  Poor thing gets as many brain freezes as I do now. Can a computer have CRS too? I don’t know but I surely get it more often these days with my busy, exciting new beginning of my next life. My do over.

I went for a mammogram yesterday in an unfamiliar area of Metairie and my wonderful GPS got me to the location but I didn’t see the building and I thought she was lying to me again. She told me I had arrived at my destination on the right but I didn’t see it. I drove to the next street and I took the next corner and thinking I would drive around the block and sneak up on it again to perhaps see it this time  since I knew where to look for it now. I turned right then took another right but the big yellow sign said dead end so I turned into an entrance to what appeared to be a parking lot behind a strip mall. As I crept into the parking lot, I saw a building that said Diagnostic Imaging and I knew I was where I was supposed to be. I parked my car in the nearest spot, which was right outside of the place I needed to be. I felt like Mr. Magoo, because the Lord seems to push me in the right way all the time, even putting a dead end in my path to force me to take the turn I needed to. So yes in the eyes of God I am Mrs. Magoo.

I really was nearsighted, but had Lasik surgery to correct that vision problem but still have to rely on glasses for reading. Lasik couldn't help with my spiritual vision I am still nearsighted in spiritual matters and I need to rely on God so much more to direct all my steps in my life. I often look back and laugh because unlike Mr. Magoo, I recognize when I have been handled ever so lovingly and gently by my daddy and I feel so blessed and am consoled by knowing that I am covered all the time. Like a good neighbor, I am in good hands; He is my blessed assurance as long as I continue to look up.  I will never stray off His path, because He won’t let me right now. I want to stray sometimes, I confess that, but He loves me so much and wants to protect me, that it is impossible right now.

I tried to donate blood today, and was turned down because of the melanoma I had two years. I don’t know why I cried most of the way home. I was sad that I had neglected to donate for two years and I was just finding this out. I was shocked that the stupid little cancer thing I had discounted as minor and insignificant has become a barricade to something I love to do. And once again I have to tell Steve he was right and this makes me miss him so badly. Ironically I am having a fat lip day too so I suppose it just brought it all home again. Steve is gone, I don’t have a shoulder to cry on or at least the shoulder I want to cry on. When I say I don’t have a shoulder you know I mean physical shoulder because trust me I have cried it out to God, He knows it all and has heard it all from me.  I just want a man hug I guess and miss getting them from Steve.  I guess I will have to find some other way to donate something, time, money etc for the next three years. Is it a new direction the Lord is leading me in? I will have to just take it in stride, and try not to feel so rejected and set my nearsighted eyes on the path I think I am on.

So I am muddling about, head in the clouds, eyes up and down trying to focus on what needs to be focused on. I am adjusting well and thanking God for all of it. One day when I die, I will be satisfied but until then I thirst for holiness and hunger for God’s love and yearn to be led by my Good Shepherd. I am about my Father’s business (most days, wink, wink) and when I am not, I am on my knees.