I was going to write a few pages to the beginning of my novel so my teacher can read it and correct it for me, but as I wrote it I started to shake again. Of course my life and the experience of Steve’s death sounds like an idea for a novel, but reliving the emotional pain I have tried so hard not to revisit for 17 months proved difficult. I even tried to reread some of my blogs and of course that also proved more painful than I wanted right now. I want to avoid feeling that pain again and have been running away from it. Do I need to confront it? I personally don’t think it needs to be revisited yet. I will have to develop another fantasy world for a novel; reality is too real right now. So I wrote it anyway just to have it on paper. I want it down on paper so I my kids will know some things about me. That task is checked off.
Work is going great and I think I am doing a good job. I have to say I am proud of all I have learned and am still so grateful to have a job. I am blessed. I went to the St. Patricks Parade with my family and my girlfriend came as well with her husband. As we were leaving the parade she had seen her brother there with his wife and a friend and she was speaking with them and I found myself flirting(Yes me go figure, it was still there somewhere buried) with the friend. Now I know it was the green Margaritas that probably got me to go there because I have been so guarded and protective but yes I opened that door and even swapped phone numbers. I find this hilarious because I had not done anything like that in well over 30 years and it just popped out. Truth is, when he said his name was anything other than Steve, I just went with it. How ridiculous is that.
My friend was shocked and awed as was I when I got back to the crawfish table. She only looked at me mouth wide open then said “Well? Do you wanna tell me something? What was that?” Pretty much all I could say was “Hey he isn’t a Steve.” I just played it off knowing it probably would not go anywhere. I had all but forgotten about it until while driving home from work the following Thursday I got a text from that strange number apologizing for not getting back with me. (Yes I texted him after the parade to ask if he was coming to the concert after since we had spoke about it during out mini meet and greet.) He said something about getting a new phone and learning how to use it. Whatever. We texted for awhile while I drove home another daring stupid thing I know.(I seem to be living for my bucket list events and trying to be edgy.)
He called me when I told him I was texting and driving since talking on the phone and driving is so much safer and we had an awkward conversation. I am so not used to this stuff but decided to roll with it anyway. What harm could it do? When I got home I sat in the driveway and talked for a few more minutes before hanging up to go get some much needed food. He told me if I was bored later to call. So I got bored later and texted. It was fun talking with a new friend we both are in the same boat, moving back to town moving in with family relearning the place we grew up in. He asked to take me for a drive in his convertible on Sunday and I said sure. It is the closest thing to a motorcycle, right? Those plans didn’t work out. We spent a day texting and talking and he asked me out for a Margarita after work which I accepted only if I could have some food to go with it. I have a bad tendency not to eat during the day and I knew that could be bad for me in oh so many ways.
The night came and I kid you not I wanted to back out. I felt so scared and stupid I imagine much like I will feel when I jump out of my airplane one day to sky dive. The thrill, and fear all jumbled together causing me to be an absolute mess. My friend didn’t talk me out of it but we did make an escape plan so I could go home early if I needed to and wouldn't appear rude. The plan was that I would text her a help msg when I took a bathroom break so she could call me back after I got back to the table and I would have to leave. I had seen it in a movie once and it worked there. I was serious. I was so nervous and it was obvious I think because he kept asking if I was scared. The dinner turned out nice and I didn’t have to text her. It was difficult to talk in the restaurant so we left and went to a little daiquiri bar near the store I needed to shop at afterwards so I killed two birds with one stone so to speak.
We had some nice conversation and I even had a cat wander up and jump in my lap. That was pretty random and interesting but he was a friendly cat probably owned the bar. It was fast closing in on my bedtime so I asked him if he wanted to walk over and get the mosquito spray I needed for my canoe trip this weekend and he walked me over there. I think mostly to be chivalrous so I wouldn’t walk alone, but it was nice anyway to see that. While we were in the store he said he wanted to buy me something and said that I would love it. We go to the bakery isle and he proceeds to pick up this yummy looking carrot cake. He was so cute because he was so excited about this carrot cake and well no one has ever bought me a carrot cake before. I was laughing inside. He would not allow me to pay for my bug spray either, which was sweet but not what I wanted since this wasn’t a date or anything. I just let it go and thanked him and let that be ok. No one has ever bought me bug spray and carrot cake all in one night either. I know there is a country song there in the making.
We parted ways, I was no longer the nervous wreck, still nervous but the wreck part was over. I jumped the shark and I am on my way to another wave of healing and living. I got the best advice from my daughter “take it very very slow, mom” I believe she is right, but I took another step (stumble) forward and here I go again. We are talking on the phone a lot and I was just pleased he wanted to talk to me again much less ask me to go somewhere with him this weekend since I seemed like such a bumbling idot to myself. I guess we can keep each other company. That pretty much is what I was going for, right? To get to know people and keep busy.
Gotta run, I have carrot cake calling to me and a canoe trip in the morning. Life is moving ahead again and once again I find myself seasonably connected to my healing process. Spring brings new life and as scary as that prospect is, I am pretty daring right now. I may get up in that airplane sooner than later. Life is short and my bucket list is too long. I have to start checking things off. 
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