Keeping Company

I should be sleeping but my mind won’t shut down. I have work tomorrow and a busy weekend ahead again. I am enjoying staying busy but this new lifestyle change sure takes some getting used to. I have been at work past my probation period so this is a good thing. I have a job.   My circle is opening and I am meeting new people.  I have been talking with the man who bought me the carrot cake and bug spray nearly every night and we have gone a few places together and  hope it continues, so why all the crazy dreams lately? Why all the overanalyzing?

I try to keep busy so I don’t think so now my brain is rebelling and I am processing my life in my dreams. I don’t recognize myself at all these days. My friend says I’m dating and I quickly let her know I am not dating that I am keeping company and there is a difference. My brain refuses to accept the dating term yet so that could be reason for some nightmares. In all of my dreams, most of them are of betrayal and pain yes me causing Steve pain and betraying him by being happy. How stupid but yes, I do wonder if I am starting too soon and not fully healed yet or just scared of the whole process of that darned d word my friends keep throwing at me. I really am just keeping company with a male companion dating is for younger people.

I forgot about the "firsts" also. I had let out a sigh of relief after Mathu's wedding thinking pretty much they were all over.  Well on one of out outings we danced a slow dance which was another "first" and boy did I get hit with a tidal wave as I realize I had just stepped off into more "firsts". Just being alone with him I seem to always feel like I am sneaking around. I haven’t been forthright with my kids either, well not all of them at least.  I don’t want to hurt them or quite honestly listen to the teasing. I really am trying to be smart about all of this so my brain can take it all in and process it so my emotions can play catch up. I feel as though every time we go out some sort of "first" plays out so when I go home, my mind processes and lets me know how I should feel. I am usually too shell shocked to feel anything so I am on a delayed time switch. More like a deer in headlights! By the next time we see each other I am back to normal feeling good about moving forward. I eventually want to be in the same time zone as him instead of experiencing everything from a distance.

 I do hope my male friend is as true as he seems to be and doesn’t abandon this psycho woman with nightmares and bouts of emotions that could put PMS to shame.  I seem to judge myself the harshest. I feel as though I am being unfaithful. Could this that the residue from so many years of being with the same person? Or is our bond so strong, it can’t be broken? I tend to over think things when all I really just want to have some fun and not be lonely. I guess for now I will continue to move forward and practice being unfaithful so I can move past the pain. Steve loved me and wanted me to be happy and he always said he hoped I would find someone else if something happened to him. I said the same words to him, but never really felt them earnestly. I didn’t want him with anyone but me and I am sure he must have felt the same way, right?

So I will keep company for now, see what happens and ride this crazy train all the way down the road. My life is such a ride and it is going much faster than I would like. I feel like I am doing the Time Warp. Yeah Rocky Horror if only my nightmares could be as ridiculous and fun.