Ressurection Sunday

Ok so my life has been nothing if not seasonal so I am presently in the Easter season right? I am a week behind resurrection Sunday but I am technically in the correct season for the breakthrough I felt in my life this past weekend. The week leading up to my Easter Sunday (Yes a week behind everyone else) I would call it hell week. I had no sleep and could not even focus I was having so much anxiety about moving on with my life. I think I sweated blood and water a night or two if not in reality, spiritually because it sure felt like it. It had to be the worst sleeping week of this past year of grieving which was precipitated by my spending time with a male friend moving on with life. The anx I suffered and the dreams I had were pretty real, and all dealing with my emotions.

 I had an urge to call Steve this weekend to tell him about my life and the new “friend” I had to keep company with.  When I came back to my senses after the shock of realizing the insanity of that thought I began to feel very unfaithful, and shame crept in again. How do you wrap your head around all of this? Well as I sorted through it during my retreat on Saturday at a local church and I began to realize how normal that thought really was. Steve was nothing if not my best friend whom I shared every little thing with good and bad so yes it was natural for me to want to share some news with him. The subject matter probably was less about sharing with Steve and more about my feelings of acceptance and seeing growth within me. Perhaps I was processing on another level this widow/single status I am in and moved an inch closer to believing it.

I had the most perfect day on Sunday when my friend and I went to the French Quarter Festival in New Orleans.  Our day began with me attending church with him and his sister and that is when I began to feel things begin to slide off of me.  After church we rode with the top down in his convertible on the most glorious day the Lord could ever give for my resurrection Sunday.  As the wind whipped my hair around and I had no desire to worry about how it looked, I felt a spiritual breaking and a freedom that I hadn’t been living in for quite some time. As we leisurely walked the streets, taking in the music and wonderful food, I knew a new level in my healing was happening this day. I couldn’t put it to words, but I felt it deeply as I soaked in the music, tasted the food, enjoyed the company of a sweet male companion and basked in the beauty of the most perfect day I had experienced in such a long time. My senses came alive again and I felt released from the shackles of grief and felt a new chapter beginning in my life.

 It was a delight to feel the comfortable feeling of joy and peace rise up in me as the wind rushed through my hair while we sped down the freeway back toward home at the end of a lovely spring day. I was free and I was happy. I didn’t realize how good it felt to breathe again and to see people again without the pall of grief tainting everything I saw, heard or touched. The numbness was beginning to wear off and I was able to feel young and free again and revel in the exciting new things ahead. The most amazing thing to me is how much I enjoyed feeling safe and comfortable in the company of my male companion.  We are still not dating but I enjoy keeping company with him. I am so anxious to experience life and I believe my life is just getting interesting again and I can’t wait to live it.

I still have a ways to go, but at least the hospital doors are open wide and I am on the other side heading to my life again. I felt hope surface in me again, the hope the priest on my retreat spoke about on Saturday. The hope that Jesus gave when He was resurrected. He went before me to prepare my way and He was with me during my time in the tomb but Sunday was my day to arise and I am so glad to be living my life again. I cast off my grave clothes and take back my life. I think I will have some fun again and I will let you in on some of it wink, wink .(A girl has to have some secrets you know).