Emotional Hangover

I am alerting you the  readers ahead of time, this isn't pretty. I am hungover and I can't think straight right now but I am experimenting with my feelings which pretty much lie to me too much! You may proceed at your own risk or click over to Facebook or check you email. Good luck.

Well I am having a hangover of sorts this week; it actually started on Sunday evening and has continued throughout this week as I write this on Wednesday. I am just now beginning to be able to put my finger on why. I had dinner two nights in a row this past weekend with a male friend and by friend I mean friend. I confess I enjoyed the company, I enjoyed the attention and I enjoyed the discussions we had but I am having some regrets possibly guilt maybe shame and outright fear.  It is so frightening to me how nice it is to have so many things in common with someone else and how comfortable I am talking with him but my biggest fear would be hurting him or anyone else.  I don’t want this yet. I thought I did because my loneliness gets the best of me sometimes and thought I could handle it but I don’t think I am ready at all. I jumped too soon and perhaps that is why I feel so drained this week.

I opened up a lot about Steve this last weekend and I suppose this is why I am mourning again. I thought I was beyond this phase of missing him and the more I spoke about him and reminisced with my friends about him. Wow it still aches badly.  I need a few more months of healing I guess. This line I walk is so narrow and I see where I can really cause myself or someone else harm because I don’t know my pain threshold yet in this mourning process. I am recognizing my vulnerability and think more isolation is good for me. I don’t feel emotionally prepared to put my heart out there again not that I have started putting it out there yet mind you.  

It didn’t help that today, hump day that the wonderful news my newlywed children gave to me was bittersweet. It seems they will be having a boy in August and they will name him Steven Beau Travis. I am so thrilled for them and so pleased they chose to honor Steve’s memory by naming their first born son after him. I ache right now as I type. Bittersweet is the only word to describe the moment I heard his name. I received the news at work. It is hard to cry and answer the phones in a cheery voice on a day you can’t leave to compose yourself because the other girl called in sick today. Whew lots of sucking it up.  The best thing is workday was over early today and I was able to come home and walk it out of me for an hour before going to my nephew’s play tonight with my dad. I am alright now. God always knows what I need before I need it so why do I try to outrun His plans for me always. Mikey you did an awesome job and I so needed this fun night.

I will say, the class I am taking “How to write a Novel” may prove to be a more “novel” idea than I had originally thought. As I walk my walks and my mind generates creative scenarios, I believe I may have a novel in the making with hardly too much embellishment necessary.  Well first I want my life to be more interesting so I will have something juicy to write about. This little mundane stuff I blog about is just not interesting enough, it is just cathartic for me mostly. I want to fill all my quiet time with activities which do not involve getting too close to making a mistake. I have birthday parties, a canoe trip a St. Patrick’s parade and who knows what else I can fill my weekends with. I even plan to go camping with my kids on my birthday. It is good to keep the mind busy. I need to stop being so anxious to outrun God’s plan for my life since I know it is all His timing and I am the one trying to get my life to a “normal” status. While running in my hamster wheel, I have tripped again.  I am figuring out what my new normal is as I dust off my pants and rub my bruised hands together. Is normal out there somewhere?