The Halfway House

Ok so last week was my release from the hospital and I found out this week I am not totally free yet, I am in a halfway house. Go figure. God what is up with this? I believed I was free and moving on and this weekend, just one weekend beyond my resurrection I find myself knocked over by a serious rogue wave.

I had been looking forward to this weekend for quite some time, I was supposed to be camping with my daughter and a friend of hers who will be graduating and moving back north next month. We wanted to have a nice girl’s weekend camping and talking which is what we all do best anyway. My first clue things had gone sideways was the rain predicted for Saturday calling off the camping part of our trip. We decided to stay at Mary's since the whole purpose was to get together anyway so camping  (indoors) was still on.My second clue this weekend was turning was my having to stop off to pay my respects to a family friend (younger than me) whose wife passed away from cancer. Now you might remember this was not my first funeral since, but it did involve someone special to our family. I went in strong, thinking I could offer condolences and support and figuring I had this covered but I should not have gone in alone probably.

Things were fine at first as we chatted with another friend and his wife offering their support and laughing about times past.  It was when our friend started talking about not sleeping and finally sleeping in the bed and other things that my knees started to give way. My legs started to shake and then my head started spinning. I felt like a deer in headlights and I had to run, get as far away as possible so this would not become about me. I said my good byes, and think I told him it was still too fresh for me so maybe he understood why I was there so brief a time, but I had to get out of there quick. I know he won’t remember so maybe that will be a saving grace.

The floodgates burst as soon as I closed my car door, and I was safe and I allowed the bomb of tears to explode in a protected area. The drive to Mobile started off awful as well. I got stuck in a traffic jam just as I got onto the interstate to head to Mobile. Everything in me wanted to go faster and run, but I had to creep at a snail’s pace and couldn’t run at all. I had to deal with it all ever so slowly in the confines of my car and I was feeling very claustrophobic. I wanted to be outside, screaming, outside running or outside hitting on something. I was having a temper tantrum and perhaps a panic attack. I did talk on the phone to my sister for part of it but mostly I had to deal with it. No one could really talk it through with me, it was something I had to do alone. With loud music might I add.

Finally the traffic broke after 45 minutes and I could drive faster towards my very energetic funny daughter. I was looking forward to the distraction of her love and joy again. I got to her house and could only take a nap, I was worn out, but she was sweet and allowed me the time to get it together so we could go out and have fun. She did take a picture of me power napping and usually I am very alert, but didn’t hear that coming. I fell into a quick deep sleep. We went to pick up Mary’s friend Marge, and while there I got a call from Steve’s truck driver friend who I had dinner with a few months back. He was coming through Slidell and wanted to see me, but I told him where I was and he said well that is where I am spending the night so we arranged to pick him up and bring him out to dinner with us. It was all fun and the bum picked up our tab. I say bum because I informed him I would be doing it this time, and he said no because Steve never allowed him to buy dinner for him, so he was paying Steve back for all those times. I was glad Mary got to see him and thank him for getting the rest of Steve’s things back for her. He is the friend who got the blanket and special shirt she wanted back for her and he took a lot of time and trouble to make sure we got those things back.  

All throughout the night we reminisced about Steve and the silly things Steve did with each of us with each girl recounting different memories of Mr. Steve. As much as I loved that they had such fond memories it became such an in my face weekend about dealing with grief again. If I were truly in a halfway house I guess it would be considered a therapy session. It was not the fun care free weekend I wanted, but it was the work weekend I may have needed? What I did learn this weekend is that I am only half way in my process and I thought I was further on. It really feels like I am further along than a year and a half doesn't it? It has been such a long time since I have missed Steve this bad and it hurts. The anesthesia of shock and grief is wearing off perhaps and I am feeling again yes feeling like pins and needles. I was walking along, enjoying the sunshine and a hole swallowed me up. I can see the sun, but the work I need to do to get out of this hole is exhausting me. I need help, Lord, your help please??? You got my back right, let’s get this over again. Sigh.

Ressurection Sunday

Ok so my life has been nothing if not seasonal so I am presently in the Easter season right? I am a week behind resurrection Sunday but I am technically in the correct season for the breakthrough I felt in my life this past weekend. The week leading up to my Easter Sunday (Yes a week behind everyone else) I would call it hell week. I had no sleep and could not even focus I was having so much anxiety about moving on with my life. I think I sweated blood and water a night or two if not in reality, spiritually because it sure felt like it. It had to be the worst sleeping week of this past year of grieving which was precipitated by my spending time with a male friend moving on with life. The anx I suffered and the dreams I had were pretty real, and all dealing with my emotions.

 I had an urge to call Steve this weekend to tell him about my life and the new “friend” I had to keep company with.  When I came back to my senses after the shock of realizing the insanity of that thought I began to feel very unfaithful, and shame crept in again. How do you wrap your head around all of this? Well as I sorted through it during my retreat on Saturday at a local church and I began to realize how normal that thought really was. Steve was nothing if not my best friend whom I shared every little thing with good and bad so yes it was natural for me to want to share some news with him. The subject matter probably was less about sharing with Steve and more about my feelings of acceptance and seeing growth within me. Perhaps I was processing on another level this widow/single status I am in and moved an inch closer to believing it.

I had the most perfect day on Sunday when my friend and I went to the French Quarter Festival in New Orleans.  Our day began with me attending church with him and his sister and that is when I began to feel things begin to slide off of me.  After church we rode with the top down in his convertible on the most glorious day the Lord could ever give for my resurrection Sunday.  As the wind whipped my hair around and I had no desire to worry about how it looked, I felt a spiritual breaking and a freedom that I hadn’t been living in for quite some time. As we leisurely walked the streets, taking in the music and wonderful food, I knew a new level in my healing was happening this day. I couldn’t put it to words, but I felt it deeply as I soaked in the music, tasted the food, enjoyed the company of a sweet male companion and basked in the beauty of the most perfect day I had experienced in such a long time. My senses came alive again and I felt released from the shackles of grief and felt a new chapter beginning in my life.

 It was a delight to feel the comfortable feeling of joy and peace rise up in me as the wind rushed through my hair while we sped down the freeway back toward home at the end of a lovely spring day. I was free and I was happy. I didn’t realize how good it felt to breathe again and to see people again without the pall of grief tainting everything I saw, heard or touched. The numbness was beginning to wear off and I was able to feel young and free again and revel in the exciting new things ahead. The most amazing thing to me is how much I enjoyed feeling safe and comfortable in the company of my male companion.  We are still not dating but I enjoy keeping company with him. I am so anxious to experience life and I believe my life is just getting interesting again and I can’t wait to live it.

I still have a ways to go, but at least the hospital doors are open wide and I am on the other side heading to my life again. I felt hope surface in me again, the hope the priest on my retreat spoke about on Saturday. The hope that Jesus gave when He was resurrected. He went before me to prepare my way and He was with me during my time in the tomb but Sunday was my day to arise and I am so glad to be living my life again. I cast off my grave clothes and take back my life. I think I will have some fun again and I will let you in on some of it wink, wink .(A girl has to have some secrets you know).

Keeping Company

I should be sleeping but my mind won’t shut down. I have work tomorrow and a busy weekend ahead again. I am enjoying staying busy but this new lifestyle change sure takes some getting used to. I have been at work past my probation period so this is a good thing. I have a job.   My circle is opening and I am meeting new people.  I have been talking with the man who bought me the carrot cake and bug spray nearly every night and we have gone a few places together and  hope it continues, so why all the crazy dreams lately? Why all the overanalyzing?

I try to keep busy so I don’t think so now my brain is rebelling and I am processing my life in my dreams. I don’t recognize myself at all these days. My friend says I’m dating and I quickly let her know I am not dating that I am keeping company and there is a difference. My brain refuses to accept the dating term yet so that could be reason for some nightmares. In all of my dreams, most of them are of betrayal and pain yes me causing Steve pain and betraying him by being happy. How stupid but yes, I do wonder if I am starting too soon and not fully healed yet or just scared of the whole process of that darned d word my friends keep throwing at me. I really am just keeping company with a male companion dating is for younger people.

I forgot about the "firsts" also. I had let out a sigh of relief after Mathu's wedding thinking pretty much they were all over.  Well on one of out outings we danced a slow dance which was another "first" and boy did I get hit with a tidal wave as I realize I had just stepped off into more "firsts". Just being alone with him I seem to always feel like I am sneaking around. I haven’t been forthright with my kids either, well not all of them at least.  I don’t want to hurt them or quite honestly listen to the teasing. I really am trying to be smart about all of this so my brain can take it all in and process it so my emotions can play catch up. I feel as though every time we go out some sort of "first" plays out so when I go home, my mind processes and lets me know how I should feel. I am usually too shell shocked to feel anything so I am on a delayed time switch. More like a deer in headlights! By the next time we see each other I am back to normal feeling good about moving forward. I eventually want to be in the same time zone as him instead of experiencing everything from a distance.

 I do hope my male friend is as true as he seems to be and doesn’t abandon this psycho woman with nightmares and bouts of emotions that could put PMS to shame.  I seem to judge myself the harshest. I feel as though I am being unfaithful. Could this that the residue from so many years of being with the same person? Or is our bond so strong, it can’t be broken? I tend to over think things when all I really just want to have some fun and not be lonely. I guess for now I will continue to move forward and practice being unfaithful so I can move past the pain. Steve loved me and wanted me to be happy and he always said he hoped I would find someone else if something happened to him. I said the same words to him, but never really felt them earnestly. I didn’t want him with anyone but me and I am sure he must have felt the same way, right?

So I will keep company for now, see what happens and ride this crazy train all the way down the road. My life is such a ride and it is going much faster than I would like. I feel like I am doing the Time Warp. Yeah Rocky Horror if only my nightmares could be as ridiculous and fun.