Bittersweet

Yesterday I received phone call from my son that they were headed to the hospital to await the arrival of their baby boy Steven Beau Travis. My daughter in law was having some preeclampsia issues and to be safe for everyone they went to the hospital and the doctor said that by lunch the next day we should have a baby. I was so excited and prayerful. I went home so excited knowing that today I will have another grandchild.

Mathu and I lined our ducks up early last evening, making sure I could see the baby via Skype on our phones as soon as I possibly could, since I was unable to be there in person. Yes we have an IPHONE but for some reason we could not Facetime and so glad to have found this out hours ahead of time. I went to bed around 10:30 fell asleep shortly before Mathu called at 11:30 to inform me they were about to start an epidural. This pumped me up for about an hour and then I fell back to sleep until around 1:02a.m. when Mathu called back to say the baby’s heartbeat was slowing and they felt an C-section would be best.

This is when I lost it. Who can sleep when you are nervous, anxious and angry all at the same time? Where are you Steve when I need to bury my head in your chest and scream? Where are you when I need my best buddy to pray with me and share this moment of trepidation and anxious waiting? I miss waiting with you, I miss being excited with you and I miss being worried with you and I miss consoling you and you consoling me both of us saying that it will be alright. I know God is in charge but I want to hear it from you and I want to say it to you. I need my "crisis go to" husband with the broad shoulders and arms to hold me with right now.  I miss you and need you during these family times. YOUR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE I am not supposed to be enjoying these moments alone, without you. You should be apart of these times in my life because you helped them come about.

Okay, I will take a breath now, exhale. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Mantra, but where is the love man? Where are the strong physical arms to hold me through this and to dry my nervous tears? Where is the smile from the man who helped create this baby boy who is about to be a father to our third grandchild? Where is the mutual pride patrol committee and support group? I have already had a grandson without you, my head knows this and though it was difficult, not like this is difficult. I am so far away from them and unable to be with them because I have to have a job right now. I can no longer drop everything and run when our children need us or want us to be with them during an important day in their lives. I am once again adjusting to this new life I find myself in and this is so foreign and uncomfortable for me right now. I hurt. I am aching and my heart is bursting right now because I am unable to do what I have done for so many years. I feel like I am in a straight jacket and the struggle is exhausting me right now.

I am pacing, in my bed, in my head wanting to run the many miles to the bedside of my children trying to grab hold of the hand of the man who was by my side helping me be strong all those many years. I need your hand Steve, it made me so strong and I miss it so badly right now. God please forgive me for not being satisfied with your presence and your promises to always be here for me. I know you are here but I want to feel your hand in mine. I want to put my hands into yours much as Thomas did so many years ago. I believe but I also want to feel, I am addicted to physical touch for my consolation and strength. Do you understand? Of course you do, so why do I feel so alone and pathetic right now? I feel like such a liar. Just this afternoon I was ministering to a friend about being strong taking pride in my strength in you through all this mess and here I crumble at the slightest hint of trouble. Is this a test? Probably, and I am failing miserably again. I need to breathe. It is so hard to breath.

Just when I think I turn a corner, a wall comes up to hit me. And then a familiar messaging sound from my phone causes me to jump. Mathu sends me a picture of our Beau so beautiful and pink and I break down crying hysterical, alone in the middle of the night. Just like old times of nearly 2 years ago without the mourning just relief. Well maybe there was some mourning left in me. I know you are fine, I am not right now but once again I say I will be as I am reaching out for your hand once again Steve. It is just like God’s hand now outstretched towards me, and only seen with my mind. I miss the warmth of your touch and the physical manifestation of God’s love you so wonderfully displayed to me. Does this ever get any easier? REALLY? Am I so weak as to crumble and stumble so easily? I am disappointed and tired and filled with the joy of a new grandbaby named Steven Beau and must focus on that. Steve I miss you and am sorry you couldn’t share this night with me. It is a bittersweet time again. ILYM darling.