Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Goodbye Millie

    The ceramic tile on the kitchen floor was a hard place for me yesterday, as I sat petting my beloved Millie as she was settling down from her last seizure which had occurred about two hours prior. We just silently kept company as I awaited the hour I knew was to be the time of her death. Her brilliant blue eyes never lost their twinkle for me even while she was disoriented from her seizure. She recognized me and wagged her tail and greeted me with as much love and fervor as she had done at every greeting since we got her. This precious creature God sent to our family after losing our other sweet dog, a Cocker Spaniel named Lady. Millie was our rebound puppy born on St. Patrick's day in the year 2000 which was how she was named Millie. It was short for Millennium.
    She loved us all well but she and I spent the most time together since I had been a stay home mom for so many of our thirteen years together. Actually it has only been this last year and a half that I have been separated from her so much because of my new lifestyle change and having to work. She was blessed to have my parents to be home with her daily so the transition in her elder years was not as traumatic as it could have been. They cared for her and loved her too. She never allowed any one of my children or yard children to go unannounced or un welcomed when they came back for a visit. She barked and ran around the yard and the house yipping and heralding the arrival of a very special guest. She could not contain her joy and it spilled out to us all.
    I had to come home from work yesterday to be with my Millie. As I walked to the backyard where  she paced aimlessly trying to get her bearings again after her seizure, she recognized me.  Her quizzical look after greeting me asking "what is going on with me mom?" is still with me. This is how I know I am through with my mourning process and am out of my "wilderness". I prayed for  God to  please take her while she slept so I wouldn't have to make this decision. Steve made the decision for Lady to be put down. So you understand since Steve's death three years ago in October of this year, I haven't had to make decisions this huge. They were pretty much made for me and the way was prepared for me. I was sheltered by God and his grace and mercy were my provision as He became my ultimate provider while I recovered. This was a tough decision and I felt like I was killing her and even used this harsh terminology with my friends who tried to convince me that I was showing her mercy. I don't know if it was mercy for her because she never seemed in pain or if it was selfish mercy for me after watching her recover from her seizures. I will have to figure that out on another day.
    So Millie I have been told I made the right decision and I will live with that choice. It hurts me so deeply when I close my eyes and still seeing your beautiful blue eyes looking at me as I discuss, right in front of you, the decision I made with the vet. You were by far the sweetest, best friend I had. You were most definitely the best prayer dog ever and I will miss your comfort. You loved the woods and roaming free and I felt very blessed when friends offered their "pet cemetery" as your final place to rest. You would love it because it is close to the bayou and plenty of woods for you to get lost in. Thank you mom and dad, Joe and Barbara and my dear Bernadette for helping me during this sad time. You made it so easy and yes the decision was hard but I recognize Gods hand in the peace filled, loving path set before me afterwards.
    I miss my morning licks to wake me, I miss my evening greetings, but most of all I miss your unconditional love, Millie. I do hope dogs go to heaven because Millie you were the best! 

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