One period of mourning is over the next one not as bad. I took the day yesterday to put away a few of Millies things and grief overtook me. I had to stuff so much of it down to be able to go to work and do my job making sure I didn't bleed out onto our patients. It was a difficult week and it was bound to catch up to me and it did. Millie was my grief counselor and the one I turned to. She listened to me cry and heard me pray and rant and ask stupid questions like Why? Realization is just now settling in yet again. My crutch is now gone and I go it alone.
Up until this time I thought I was doing it alone within the confines of my family of course but I had Millie to care for. She has been the most healthy dog up until this year and I had to give her extra attention this year. But now, what has hit me this morning, is for the first time in over thirty years I have no one or no thing to take care of. I am responsible for me only! This is why my emotions were so jumbled and this is what I couldn't put my finger on until this morning.
So how does this look? No wonder I feel so lost and confused. Will I become selfish now that I have only me to look after?? Oh I hope not. I hope it means the opposite that I will be freer to be more available to others. It is an odd feeling. It was the strangest thing to be able to buy new clothes for myself just two short years ago, but I can do it now without feeling guilty. So I assume this will get normal for me too someday. I see it as an opportunity for me and I intend to make the best of it.
I know I am never really alone, and even though it sounds like I feel alone my God sent a friend to reach out on Facebook to keep me from getting too close to despair. He didn't even know our chat yesterday was just what I needed to snap out of myself and back on the target of getting over it. Then God sent my sister to distract me with a totally stupid silly movie. So I am never alone, though I may get lonely, God provides my every need!! I feel so much more on track this morning with new direction and new focus. It's not about me, its about others now. The comfort I took in caring for my family was a perfect ministry for me. It was safe and comfortable and I loved every second of it. As the last string is cut, I look forward truly to my next big or little mission for my life.
So Millie, once again you have helped me by leaving me so I can stand alone unencumbered to be able to do what you did so well, be there for those in need.
Up until this time I thought I was doing it alone within the confines of my family of course but I had Millie to care for. She has been the most healthy dog up until this year and I had to give her extra attention this year. But now, what has hit me this morning, is for the first time in over thirty years I have no one or no thing to take care of. I am responsible for me only! This is why my emotions were so jumbled and this is what I couldn't put my finger on until this morning.
So how does this look? No wonder I feel so lost and confused. Will I become selfish now that I have only me to look after?? Oh I hope not. I hope it means the opposite that I will be freer to be more available to others. It is an odd feeling. It was the strangest thing to be able to buy new clothes for myself just two short years ago, but I can do it now without feeling guilty. So I assume this will get normal for me too someday. I see it as an opportunity for me and I intend to make the best of it.
I know I am never really alone, and even though it sounds like I feel alone my God sent a friend to reach out on Facebook to keep me from getting too close to despair. He didn't even know our chat yesterday was just what I needed to snap out of myself and back on the target of getting over it. Then God sent my sister to distract me with a totally stupid silly movie. So I am never alone, though I may get lonely, God provides my every need!! I feel so much more on track this morning with new direction and new focus. It's not about me, its about others now. The comfort I took in caring for my family was a perfect ministry for me. It was safe and comfortable and I loved every second of it. As the last string is cut, I look forward truly to my next big or little mission for my life.
So Millie, once again you have helped me by leaving me so I can stand alone unencumbered to be able to do what you did so well, be there for those in need.
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