Busy Sitting

Well today started out the same as the whole week, I was home waiting for my life to move on to the next level. So far this week I have been dealing with many memories from our past together starting with when we dated, were married, had kids up until the point of Steve’s death. It has been very healing and quite frankly I had been pretty impressed at the lack of tears. I took this to mean I was and am at a good place in my healing. I can no longer hide behind the busyness of getting this house ready to sell and am allowing myself the opportunity to face my life.

I feel as though I have released, forgiven and have made peace. Today was pretty much the same until I started to cry and couldn’t stop for 2 hours. I believe it was all those pent up emotions being released from me. I really hope I am done. How many tears can one body hold or shed? I am amazed it is still happening although it is not a daily thing anymore for which I am so glad. I have only had the few pictures of Steve out around the house, the rest are in the shed packed up. Today I went through lots of pictures of us and our family and there are so many pictures of Steve. I will always have them to look at and I hope in the future they get less painful to view.

I don’t think of it as torturing myself, I am confronting what I have ignored for too long I guess, something I needed to do. I have been avoiding allowing my mind to settle on a memory too long because I didn’t want the pain. Bittersweet, I love the sweet but not the swollen eyes, stuffed up nose and overall weak feeling from crying too much. I may as well be sick because it pretty much wipes you out and I have been too busy to be sick up until now.

 So I guess God knows me and figures it is a good time to dwell in those painful places alone with Him. It is bad yet so good for me. I am feeling stronger and better already although a bit sleepy. I am incrementally healing at a pace designed for me and me alone. I made pretty good progress this week even though I feel like I have done nothing but sit around and physically doing nothing. My mind has been doing all the work and it wants to sleep so my eyes will stop burning. But no I don’t want to stay in the bed forever; I want to move on because I have started wondering what it is I will be doing. I am hopeful for my future and have tried to move forward without dealing with the past as I have been doing this week.

What is the next step? I hope it is about moving on and moving out of my house. I will have to just sit and wait again, and this is really the hardest part. Sitting still is the best thing for me right now even though everything is screaming at me to run, get busy and it will all go away. I am sitting still but I am very busy.