February 6th

I am now sitting with an elderly woman at a nursing home, she has Alzheimer’s and her husband doesn’t. He has other health issues and is unable to care for her any more at home. For the first time they are separated and they have been married nearly 60 years. He is her life and vice versa and it pains me when she asks where her husband is several times today. What got me crying was when the pastor came in and gave her the other half of the communion wafer he had given to her husband just a short while before in his rehab facility. I confess my jealousy at their timeless love which has lasted much longer than our short 29 years. Except for the nursing home part, I had envisioned us living to that old age together and it just really hit me I will not have that. 

 Do I just sit here and wait for my life to happen? Do I ever plan or organize because what fun is that when God will have His way with me anyway?.  I am trying to trust God for my life. I am sitting in my living room waiting on the people who already looked at my house once (the day after I dreamed of Steve for the first time since his death), to come back today. I have shared this information with only a few close friends, but while praying about all this, I begged God for a directional word for me and I heard Him say February 6 you will know something about your house. I looked at my calendar and said “Really on a Sunday?” and doubted the word immediately. Now back in November I heard Him say February I would sell my house but had really set that aside as hopeful wishful thinking not giving much credence because of my state of mind.

The young man asked me on the phone which would be the best time this weekend to come look at the house again and I said Sunday after lunch since I had set aside this weekend as another work weekend with my painting Nazi. Still I doubted but continued to work. It wasn’t until later while getting ready for my sitting job, I realized Sunday was February 6. I started to bawl and pray and thanked God. I told my inner circle of friends about the date  but no one else. I don’t want to make a fool out of me or God and I am so frightened I will be let down by Him even though I say and know He is taking care of me, sending me the perfect buyer for our house. He is also taking care of the buyer too answering his prayers for a perfect house for his family. Knowing all this I am ashamed that my faith is still so weak as I stand with knees shaking and boast of God's goodness and expect the miracle I have spoken of to occur.

Wow, now I know how the prophets or evangelists have felt. I am mostly fearful that this “prophecy” may be self motivated by my inner desires to move on and wanting things on my time table. I am really testing God’s existence and His faithfulness and I am petrified by that. If it doesn’t happen, I will still love Him and know he loves me enought to send me the perfect buyer, but I will continue to question my ability to hear from Him. I do not have the faith I think I have or want to have. I am not trying to have God pull a rabbit out of the hat, but I want to prove  to myself right now that I hear from Him and He speaks to me, really. I am typing this and praying all at the same time. I will post this immediately after I hear the good news today from this young man who wants to buy this house. I do not have the courage to post before it happens so you will see the time stamp. It will be after 2 pm today.

I am so anxious to move on. There is a new feeling I am feeling and it is excitement for what is in store for me. I feel such a joy and peace as never before except for the fear that I didn’t hear correctly  from God. It was as if that dream or visitation I had about Steve 2 weeks ago gave me a release and a peace I haven’t had since October 19^th. I am not grieving anymore; I am celebrating my new life. I miss Steve terribly, but I am at such peace about where he is and I really have turned a big corner in my mourning process. I am at peace and can say this and mean it. What are we to do now God? I am excited and expectant.

Ok so the people who God sent to buy my house just left and they want it. They don't know if they can get financing so I am praying for them to be able to get their miracle too and God will work miraculous financing for them. I am as excited for them as I am for me. We are back again in God's timing so I will try to be patient. God you are bigger than financing and I pray for this loving family whom you want to have our house. I know they will love it as we have loved it. Yeah God, I wait on you.