Will no one stay awake with me?

It is nice when your mom calls and says she and dad are coming for a visit. I am glad for the visit everyone needs mom and dad from time to time and the “really dids” have hit me pretty hard these past two weeks. All this really did happen and this nightmare is still happening. My parents feel as though they haven’t been here for me enough and really wanted to take me back home with them. Unfortunately I still have doors to close here or I would have been released already. I am waiting on God’s perfect time in my life.

I can relate to the pain Jesus felt in the garden of Gethsemane when he said “Will no one stay awake with me?” I understand His agony, his fear of the pain to come, his loneliness and His grief for his friends who let Him down despite their best efforts to stay awake for Him. It is a hard place for all of us to be in. The times I think I need a hug from a person seems to be when they are the busiest and unable to be here for me. Our lives are full of our own stuff and circumstances and do not allow for our best intentions to be done most of the time. I have failed in that area many times in my life and that is why I am not as upset when it happens to me. I know how hard it is to stay awake and aware of the need for people to stand in solidarity and silent companionship in times of deep grieving. It is not what a person speaks to a grieving person, it is just the nod and recognition that you are there for them that matters most.

I think Jesus just wanted to know the apostles cared about him and wanted to feel their love through a small sacrifice of their time and by being alert for Him. Imagine Jesus crying out in pain and anguish and not a person around to hear him or to rush and put arms around him in comfort. This is the isolation chamber of pain I have experienced here lately. I don’t want people to smother me nor do I want to be an attention grabber, but it is nice to know that if you call out, someone is there to hear and run to offer a hug or head nod of encouragement. It seems during our toughest tests in life there are always obstacles to keep people away from you so you only have God to call on and the angels can run to you and minister to you in the quiet hours of your agony. It is our human emotions and our neediness that makes us crave another’s presence, but it is faith which gets us through the darkest of times. Faith that while others may not hear me cry out, God hears and is there instantly to minister to my pain. This is what keeps us going and keeps me thriving despite my grief.

I am resigned, as Jesus was, to drink from the apportioned cup offered to me. It just took getting to that lowest point in the darkest hour when no one hears you crying in the night but God our Father. Life is just one big obstacle course to God and it boils down to me and Him and the trust that he will always be there helping me through it. He will never let me down, he is always there when I call and he loves me fiercely. He is not weighted down by other duties; I am a priority in His life. He is the ultimate, intimate, loving father we all crave. Once you peel away the grief layers, healing happens because you get to the core of it, God. He is in the middle of everything and still working hard finding creative ways to bring us closer to him so our lives will not be as complicated.

I must say publically that I love my family and friends. You have all played your roles well in my healing. I am so blessed to have you in my life and glad you didn’t run to me when I fell. It is perhaps the most difficult role to play in this process of healing. Do not feel guilt or shame, it is what had to happen. I know I have played this role in other’s lives as well. I feel I dropped the ball, but in reality it always works to the good of those who love the Lord, right? God is good to cover my mistakes and yours too. We just need to be quick to forgive those who trespass against us including our own selves. I trespass against myself daily.

 I am more attuned to pain right now in this present time of my life and pray I never fall asleep again. My intentions are to move on and always be there for my friends and family, but be warned I will let you down, I am human. I will ask forgiveness and move on the best I can. It is what I have learned to do. I will not hold a grudge or take an offense, because it does no one any good. I will be there for you the best way I can as you have been for me. I accept your help and love and hope you will accept mine. Jesus had an ace up His sleeve, he was God and man, I am only a woman, so I can’t do the super holy righteous stuff perfectly but I will do what I am called to do, how I am called to do it and ask forgiveness seventy times seven thousand times along the way. I am awake for now, and hope to remain that way, but I know the world gets in your eyes like the sandman, and makes you drowsy. I am watching out for him though and I say get behind me now, I need to be awake.