Well in the dwelling places there will be pain just so you know. The last couple of days being the worst of days crying like a baby at a mere thought. I had begun to wonder if I was losing it but realize my sweat lodge was beginning to work. I spoke of self medicating on Saturday and I did with stupid mindless movies and games on my computer. If my mind was not engaged, I bawled, so the only way to combat that and give myself a rest was to escape to what I had available to me. I had thought about taking the alcohol approach to self medicating, fortunately the vodka had nothing to buddy with it to make it taste good proving once again to myself I am not an alcoholic. I was not desperate enough to drink it straight. Here’s the funny part, I bought the cheap vodka to make homemade Kailua as a gift for a friend which I never got around to. I had drunk the last of the orange juice that very morning. God had once again gone before me and protected me from that.
Another old standby I usually reach for is chocolate and my cupboards are bare there too, so He once again protected me from a chocolate overdose that I may not have recovered from. Imagine eating so much chocolate you would never want it again. Whew that was close and just as we stand at what will become one of the worst shortages the world has ever known pretty soon, cocoa. I read this on the internet and my inner hoarder kicked in as I plotted how much I needed to buy after Valentine’s Day when it goes half price of course, to get me through. Then it hit me, I don’t need it. I survived this weekend without it.
My first Valentine’s Day without a valentine in over 30 years, at first I was sad still maybe I am but I learned so much on this day. I was out in town doing errands and three separate times God dropped a valentine in my hands. Two of them were in ways of just His favor and another was I needed air in my tires. This was a job Steve did and I went to the station he always parked at and aired my tires at before. I drove up to the place they directed me to thinking Oh God what if I over fill them and they pop right here? I never did this with a car before, just a bicycle. As I drove up to the pump, another man whizzed in next to me obviously in a hurry. As I removed the cap from my tire I went to reach for what I thought was the air. He grabbed the other hose and started towards my car. I was turning towards my car with what I thought was the air hose and he informed me it was the water. He filled my tire for me. God had gone before me, before I could make the mistake of filing my tire with water. I laughed at this thought in my head even though I know it would never have happened but just the picture of it got me to giggling about it. What a nice way for God to show me on this day of love that He is my ultimate Valentine for all the ages.
I understand the world’s hype of the holidays but Steve and I made up our own holidays. While the world celebrated Valentines on that hyped up day, we celebrated the day after. We laughed about being able to get twice the gifts at the same price. The fun part was while everyone else was stressed about getting the day right, we pushed it forward and took control of that holiday and made our own secret day of love. It started when we didn’t have lots of money and we laughed about our secret stupid practical day of love. We always wished each other a Happy Valentine’s day and did all the would you be mine stuff on Feb 14th but we couldn’t afford the junk they offered for that day so we made up our own rules. We loved each other and had Valentine’s Day throughout the year, just as we had Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. It is just a day the world sets aside; we were comfortable in our love for each other enough to overcome the marketing of the holidays. We were bigger than a day and so was our love. There were 2 anniversaries we shared with each other at Wally world in the anniversary card section. We chose the cards we would have bought for each other had money not been an issue. We exchanged our cards, had a laugh and a hug and kiss and proceeded to shop for groceries for our family. We weren’t cheap, it was perhaps two of the most romantic anniversaries we had.
As I sort through my love for Steve and our love together and try to allow God to take his place as my spouse I see love never fails. It really is the greatest of all the gifts and attributes of God. I need love, we all do and I am so grateful to have it from family and friends. It was in the alone time of this past week I couldn’t feel the love from anyone. I really felt the void of human companionship and it hurt badly and I felt so weak so defeated. It was during this time of pain when the love of God rushed in and allowed me the time to be naked before Him and mourn as I needed to. It wasn’t pretty, it was ugly like having DT’s but it was what I needed. My Irish had kicked in and I realized how much stuffing and swallowing I had done trying to be strong and proud but in my show of strength I got weakened. This is when God was able to come in and in my weakness He was my strength and we mourned together for a week.
A weak week as I have grown to think of it. I screamed, I bawled and I sang as I mourned my husband, his life, my life, our life. I mourned my house, my friends and what was to be my future. I in turn was able to celebrate my life and future life, my new friends and new place God has in store for me. I not only mourned, I cried out in Thanksgiving for God going before me for everything I needed and my future needs. Even today He was before me on 3 separate matters and I didn’t have to fret anything. He is my caretaker and I am so blessed. I felt so primal by letting it all hang out in the privacy of my home and not having to disturb anyone or distress anyone else. I felt safe and secure doing it all here and not in front of anyone else but Millie who thinks I am nuts by the way. I guess I will be here until I am done. That sure was a big fat layer of healing this weak surely I must be almost done. I cried so much that when I cried tears wouldn’t come out. I just made the ugly cry face and felt it so deeply. I didn’t know tears could have dry heaves too.
So there you have it the good the bad and the hideous and I hope it is over because crying is awful. If you’re not crying you want to sleep because your eyes hurt so bad, then you can’t sleep because your mind keeps racing so you get up and play stupid games until your eyes nearly fall out of your head. I can’t imagine mourning with a hangover so thank you for sparing me that added pain Lord. Mourning sucks, but you just got to do it to get through it to move on. I am so grateful for my private mourning chamber and perfect doctor to see me through. I still feel as weak and vulnerable as I did during those first days after Steve's death. Another corner turned I hope. My life definitely is not square because I have turned more than four corners, or perhaps it is that I am circular and going around the same four corners just rounding them off a bit each time I turn them. Wow that was deep time to get back to the sweat lodge for some chocolate reward. It is Valentine’s day right and that means I should love myself extra today?
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